online conference transcript

Some forms of self-esteem are unhealthy. What makes for low self-esteem, high self-esteem, and achieving unconditional self-acceptance? You may need to change your way of thinking to improve your feelings of self-worth.

Robert F. Sarmiento, Ph. D., our guest, is a licensed psychologist in practice in Houston since 1976. He specializes in short-term results using Rational-Emotive Therapy and has counseled over 2500 individuals and families. He is on the national Board of Directors of S.M.A.R.T. Recovery. Dr. Sarmiento also has extensive experience in psychological and career testing, having evaluated over 4500 people.

David Roberts is the HealthyPlace.com moderator.

The people in blue are audience members.

David: Good Evening. I'm David Roberts, the moderator for tonight's conference. I want to welcome everyone to HealthyPlace.com.

Our topic tonight is: "Is Self-Esteem Healthy?" Our guest is Dr. Robert Sarmiento. He is a practicing psychologist in Houston, Texas. Dr. Sarmiento maintains that some forms of self-esteem are not healthy at all.

Good evening, Dr. Sarmiento, and welcome to HealthyPlace.com. Thank you for being our guest tonight. So we are all on the same track, what is your definition of self-esteem?

Dr. Sarmiento: Thanks for having me. There are many ways of defining self-esteem, but the sense in which I mean it being unhealthy is when we rate ourselves highly based on some external criteria, like success.

David: Why would that be unhealthy?

Dr. Sarmiento: Basically, what goes up can come down. High self-esteem and self-downing are the flip sides of the same coin. They are both global ratings of self-worth based on an arbitrary and over-generalized criteria. For example, feeling you are a success when you do well, and feeling down on yourself when you fail.

David: But, isn't our self-esteem really based on how others react to us? If someone goes "wow! , you are really successful" (in whatever way that means), then we feel good. Conversely, if we are "put-down", then we feel bad.

Dr. Sarmiento: How others think of us is often a basis for measuring our self-worth, although by no means the only one. People often rate themselves based on success, perfection, attractiveness, wealth, piety, and other "yardsticks".

David: What, then, would be your definition of "healthy" self-esteem?

Dr. Sarmiento: Self-esteem, in the sense we have been talking about it, is a conditional self-worth. In other words, I'm okay as long as I am approved or successful or loved, or whatever. The alternative is Unconditional Self-Acceptance (USA), which means you don't rate your total self-worth at all. You simply acknowledge the fact that you are what and who you are - a fallible human being.

David: We have a lot of questions coming in, so I want to get to those in a minute. I'm wondering then what concrete suggestions you have for achieving "healthy" self-esteem.

Dr. Sarmiento: There are many ways to achieve unconditional self-acceptance. Just one simple example is an "Official Human Being License" I give clients. On the back, it says that as a human being, you have the right to make mistakes, not be universally loved and admired, have shortcomings, and so on. The most important thing, though, is to learn emotional management skills. This involves changing how you think.

David: And on that note, we'll start with the audience questions:

teddybear44: So how do you change your way of thinking?

Dr. Sarmiento: It takes learning a number of skills and it takes practice, practice, practice. One set of skills to do this is called Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy, or REBT.

David: Can you elaborate on that please?

Dr. Sarmiento: Sure. One skill is identifying your "self-talk". For example, let's say you failed at some task and were feeling down. You might ask yourself, "what am I telling myself that might be making me feel down?" What might be going through your head is a thought like, "I failed at that task, so I am a failure". The underlying belief there, is the idea that to feel successful, I must succeed. This is what I call a "personal stone tablet". The next step is to question your beliefs, as for example, "Why must I do well?" Based on this questioning or disputing, you might change your belief to, "I want to do well, but I won't always, and I'm okay whether I do well or not"

David: Here's one audience member who agrees with you, and then a question:

charlie: You need to think about what are the conclusions that prove the thought.

fishstock: What should we base our self-esteem on?

Dr. Sarmiento: Well, this is a hard concept, but the way out of the self-esteem game is to stop rating your total worth as a human being. It makes sense to rate your performances or qualities, but not your total self-worth. Instead of high self-esteem, which can and will come down, you can strive for unconditional self-acceptance. If you base your self-esteem on any external criteria, you are asking for emotional trouble.