A Parent's Perspective on Eating Disorders - Dealing with Eating Disorders

Written by HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

Connie: Mary, do you have any suggestions to help avoid a long-term recovery?

Mary Fleming Callaghan: Yes I do. I think of it as a triple threat, self respect, unity, and tough love. To me the flip side of respect is self loathing and guilt. Dedicate yourself to putting the guilt behind you. It's a gigantic roadblock. On the other side of that roadblock is good health and a bright future for your loved one. You cannot help her reach that goal until you eliminate the barriers to it. Convince yourself that, imperfect as it might be, YOU DID THE VERY BEST YOU COULD IN RAISING YOUR CHILD. Forgive yourself, so you can move forward with confidence. 2. Unity. Call a meeting and invite anyone who has a significant relationship with your daughter. If there are seven people attending this session, they must try to reach a meeting of the minds about how to deal with her problem and her methods of undermining your alliance with each other. If you never worked in tandem before, now is the time to do it. Think of this as "war strategy" because as surely as I am typing this, you are engaged in a war against the tyranny of an eating disorder. 3. Tough love. As soon as you determine that something is not right with your daughter or loved one, see to it that she gets the best health care and counseling that you can provide. After that is established, I suggest you set limits just as you would for any other phase of the child's life. You don't allow a minor child to eat a favorite food until they get sick or to stay out as late as they want. No, you set limits. Well it's the same for an eating disorder. You let them know you love them and want to help, but that there are limits to that help.

EmaSue: I am afraid to confront my daughter!

Mary Fleming Callaghan: What do you think will happen if you do?

Bob M: That's a good question....because I think a lot of parents are afraid their child will reject them. Did you experience that?

Mary Fleming Callaghan: No. I was devastated because we had always been close, and I could no longer talk to her, because she wouldn't talk. But she always knew we loved her.

Bob M: Mary's book, Wrinkles on the Heart, is a diary of her experiences and edited letters she wrote to various people during the times of her daughter's eating disorder. It is available through her web site at www.abrosia.com

Lynell: What do you mean by limits?

Mary Fleming Callaghan: Removal of privileges always worked in our household, but this has to be determined by each family. The age of the child is always a factor as well. When realistic limits are set, no waffling is permitted. The child may beg and promise, but parents must stick by their guns. With Kathleen, after 3 years, we learned that we had to put harsh-sounding boundaries on what we would tolerate regarding her non-eating tendencies. And just one final thought on this subject. I strongly feel that a parent can be TOO understanding. It's not sac religious to think this or even to say it out loud. I know because we twisted ourselves into pretzels trying to be sympathetic and tolerant. Not only did it not work, but she got worse, and we became enablers.

tennisme: Is your daughter really completely recovered or does she still maintain a low weight? Is her mind really quiet?

Mary Fleming Callaghan: She still maintains a low body weight, but she has always been thin since the time she was little. I'm sure she'll always be weight conscious, but aren't we all. She certainly no longer evaluates every piece of food she puts into her mouth.

Bob M: Do you, and other family members, still worry about her Mary? Is that now a part of your emotional life?

Mary Fleming Callaghan: Well, I think that she knows that I think she would look better if she were heavier, but we never talk about it because it's none of my business. I don't worry about her now anymore than I do my other three children.

Emily: Mary, was there ever a conclusion as to why Kathleen became sick with an eating disorder? Did she ever say why?

Mary Fleming Callaghan: I think it was because she was so immature emotionally. She wanted to stay a little girl. She could avoid the stresses of teenage life if she stayed little and protected by family.

tennisme: Mary, are you weight conscious yourself, even after such an ordeal? Really shows how brainwashed we all are.

Mary Fleming Callaghan: Oh definitely! In fact, I started a new diet yesterday.

Bob M: So now, we at least have an understanding of the family dynamics. Can you give us some insight into your experiences with the various doctors and hospitals and eating disorders treatment programs your daughter went through. What was YOUR experience with these people and institutions?

Mary Fleming Callaghan: Twenty years ago, it was entirely different than it is today. They had to find a scapegoat, so the family was convenient, especially mothers. The literature at that time bears this out. Of the twelve doctors and therapists that Kathleen had over the years, we found two that we could work with. I like to think that today it is different, and that parents aren't put under this additional stress of blame by the professionals.

Bob M: But for some, it's hard to find straight answers. I think that one thing that also compounds the emotional difficulty that parent's go through is that sometimes you can't get a concrete answer on "why" your child has developed an eating disorder. How would you suggest that parent's deal with doctors who aren't giving straight answers, Mary?

Mary Fleming Callaghan: I really don't know the answer to that. I think you have to be honest with them and not allow them to send you on a guilt trip. Parents should do what these parents are doing here tonight. They should try to find out as much as they can about the disorder and go from there. I don't know if there are any straight answers, it's such a muddle. So many things are involved.