9/11/00 - Depression. Blagh. I hate how someone's problems can seem so insignificant to other people. Right now I'm going through a rough time even though I'm doing better in school than last year, and this is even with my hellish schedule (dear god, Chemistry GT AND Algebra 2 GT, what have I gotten myself into?). Still, I'm finding myself more and more feeling alone. I had a relapse with the cutting on the second day of school, and I'm still trying to figure out WHY. I find myself wanting to break down and cry in the middle of school, and I find myself writing more and more in my online journal to relieve the stress. My three best friends have been very supportive through all of this, but one is in FL, the other is in NY, and the other is in college in VA now, and the people here at school are much more detached and distant than ever. Like I wrote in my diary, I guess this is apart of the whole growing wings and flying, blah blah blah. I don't know.

What I do know is that I find that with something like depression, people treat it as if it's nothing. No one has a REAL, solid idea of just how destructive it is, just how incapacitated it can make someone. I find that particularly in the world of EDs, people on the outside view us as stronger than others -- that our backs are somehow magically made of steel and can carry more stress and responsibilities than others, all while wearing a smile or doing everything above without complaint. Everyone needs to look further into each other. I know that talking is a big factor in this and that we need to talk about our problems many times in order for anyone to become aware of them, but what I have found recently with this new-found detachment in school that if I talk about how I'm feeling, it gets blown off. Depression is so insanely common now that everyone thinks it's no big deal.

I'm still dealing with this better than say, I was 3 years ago, but I still can't deny the feeling that people in this society don't care to have the time nor heart to try and really LISTEN to others, and I don't mean just listening with your ears. I mean listen with your heart too, even if that sounds completely corny and like it was out of a Celine Dion song.

Depression. People. Blagh.

Well I know we're dying
and there's no sign of a parachute
in this chapel
little chapel of love
Can't we get a little grace
and some elegance
No, we scream in cathedrals
Why can't it be beautiful?
Why does there gotta be a sacrifice?
-Tori Amos

8/15/00 - Ok, it has been brought to my attention that out there on the web there are websites that are "pro-anorexia." I found this out through a friend of mine who, she admits, is not in recovery at all what-so-ever right now (which I'm fine with me because like I've said in other areas, recovery is up to the person). I've always known that there are people out there that are all for encouraging themselves and others to fast and starve, but I guess I never realized just how many there are. I've been to that point myself. Not to the point where I've been encouraging another person to go on a "fast," but to the point where I thought that I was just going to do this until I was "thin" and so I would be off looking for ever emaciated pictures of models that I could find to purposely trigger myself. Like so many others, I would also scour the library looking for eating disorder books so that I could pick up "tips" and "tricks." These are the types of things that apparently pro-anorexia sites and groups on the 'net encourage each other to do, and I just find it really disturbing (naturally).

If someone doesn't want to recover, that's okay. It's really no one's place to shove someone into treatment if they are not willing to follow the treatment (unless the person's physical health is currently seriously endangered), but I disagree completely with the idea of someone or a group of people encouraging others to stay away from treatment. From what I've heard from my friend, the people on the pro-anorexia mailing lists help "teach" each other how to throw up and tell each other what is the best laxative to use, or how much ipecac they should take. I just find it amazing that these things can be suggested to someone without any mention of what they do to your body after prolonged use, and just what the dangers are.

I guess it comes down to this with me: If you want to not get treatment, fine, but don't keep encouraging yourself or others to stay away from help, because you have no idea what kind of damage is going on with that person and whether the next time they take the laxatives someone else suggested is going to cause them to drop dead from kidney or heart failure. True, everyone has the right to chose what advice they will or will not follow, and the consequences that follow our actions are ours alone, but we play with fire enough as it is when we deal with an ED. I just really disagree with the idea of encouraging others to keep jumping into the flames when there is so much better out there...

8/14/00 - Time to rant. I recently came "clean" about my bulimia and anorexia with a male "friend" of mine who I met this past school year. I did it with a friend of mine as all there of us were in a private chat room on AOL Instant Messanger. My friend and I basically told him that since a young age we've both battled with purging, and this is essentially the response I got back:
Him: "Jesus christ, I already knew that Alex. All we've (the group I mainly hang out with at school) ever seen you eat is carrots, and you exercise like mad. I just never though you would mainly be the puking type, and I guess that's because it makes me sick to think about someone making themselves vomit."
Me: "So, you wouldn't feel so sick if I told you I was anorexic?"
Him: "Right. I dunno. It just seems cleaner."

I hate guys. Actually, nevermind. That's just teenage angst coming out there about hating guys. What I really hate is just the fact that society looks down upon those with bulimia instead of looking down upon EATING DISORDERS, no matter which one. The truth of the matter is with this society is we practically embrace anorexics and shun away compulsive overeaters and bulimics. There is still that train of thinking that CO's are just failed bulimics, and bulimics are just failed anorexics, and that because vomiting is disgusting, bulimics are disgusting. No one seems to be able to realize that no matter what eating disorder you have, it's a pain in the ass to deal with and that no one ED is better than the other.

Why people continue to fall into the trap of thinking that anorexia is better to have than the other two EDs is... just... I don't know. I can't put it into words. Someone once said to me that I was just jealous because I wasn't a "real" anorexic, but that's not the case. I've been through all the extremes -- overeating, starving for sometimes weeks on end, and then purging meals. Never did I believe that one ED was better to have than the other. The only thing I see is the damage that an ED causes on your mental and physical health, and the gravestones of those that never made it past their battle with any ED. Maybe one day this society will get past their anorexic-chic thinking and see what I and others see... Who knows.

next: Eating Disorder Relapses: What to Do and How to Prevent Them