How to Talk With Someone About Their Eating Disorder

Written by Colleen Thompson

Before you approach someone you suspect has an eating disorder, I would highly recommend that you educate yourself. Too many people believe that eating disorders are only about food and weight issues, when in reality, those are just the symptoms of underlying problems. Below is a list of some things to keep in mind when approaching someone.

• Avoid talking about food and weight, those are not the real issues
• Assure them that they are not alone and that you love them and want to help in any way that you can
• Encourage them to seek help
• Never try to force them to eat
• Do not comment on their weight or appearance
• Do not blame the individual and do not get angry with them
• Be patient, recovery takes time
• Do not make mealtimes a battleground
• Listen to them, do not be quick to give opinions and advice
• Do not take on the role of a therapist

It is important to remember that when you first approach the person you suspect has an eating disorder, they may react with anger or they may deny that anything is wrong. Do not push the issue, just let them know that you will always be there for them if they need to talk. In cases where the person is extremely underweight or is bingeing/purging several times a day, you may need to step in and take control. I would only recommend doing that if the individuals health is in extreme danger. If that is the case, you may need to speak to a doctor about a forced hospitalization.

Watching someone you love slowly kill themselves can be frightening. You will probably experience feelings of distress, anger, guilt and confusion. No matter how much you want to help them, you must remember that only they can make the decision to get help. You cannot force them to do this.

You must also be careful with the remarks you make to the person suffering. Below is a list of a few remarks that should never be made because they will usually only drive the person away or cause them more inner pain and guilt.

• "Just sit down and eat like a normal person." If it were that easy, we would. Remind yourself that there are deeper emotional issues that may be preventing them from eating properly.
• "Why are you doing this to me?" We aren't doing this to you, we are doing this to ourselves. A comment like that would only cause us more guilt and make us feel worse about ourselves.
• "You've put on weight, you look great." We do not hear "you look great", we only hear "you've put on weight" leading us to believe that we are fat.
• "Are you making any progress?" If in therapy, a comment like that could lead us to believe that we are not making progress and that we are in fact failing.
• "I'll help to fatten you up." The words "fatten you up" is very terrifying to a person with an eating disorder. Comments like this can be very damaging.
• "Are you keeping anything down?" or "When was the last time you puked?" The act of purging can leave the person with feelings of guilt and shame. Having someone ask this question can cause them to re-experience those feelings and leave them feeling ashamed for having a problem.
• "You look terrible." Avoid commenting on the persons appearance. The person is already obsessed with their body, they do not need to hear any negative comments.
• "You're ruining our family." Comments like this only causes the person more guilt. It will not motivate them to eat, instead, it may drive them deeper into their eating disorder.
• "What have you eaten today?" This puts us in a bad position because we either have to lie to make you happy (which causes us to feel worse for doing so), or tell the truth and hear a lecture (which would lead us to feel like we are failing).
• "If you think you are fat, you must think that I'm obese." Even though we are underweight, we still feel fat and see ourselves in the mirror as fat. We do not see others as being overweight. The only distorted image we have, is of ourselves. Any ways, it is best not to mention size and weights around anyone with an eating disorder.
• "Go ahead and have a drink or eat that. You'll just go and throw it up any ways, so what does it matter." A comment like this is very insensitive and cruel. Unfortunately, there are actually people who would say this. We already put ourselves down enough as it is and the last thing we need is someone else making us feel guilty or ashamed for having an eating disorder. If you have nothing positive to say to us, do not say anything!