Eating Disorders: A Guide for Parents and Loved Ones

Written by Monika Ostroff

In the course of speaking publicly about anorexia, I have heard the anguish in hundreds of voices as they've said, "She is such a beautiful girl, she doesn't need to diet --- if she would just eat." It seems so obvious, she's underweight and needs to gain weight --- if she would 'just eat' everything would be 'just fine.' Unfortunately, it is not that simple at all. Whenever you find yourself tempted to believe that the solution is for her to "just eat," it may be helpful for you to remember that people develop anorexia for many different reasons. Remind yourself often that anorexia recovery is a complicated process that requires more than simply facing fears related to food and weight and learning to cope with them. It is a process that demands a deep introspective look at one's life and at one's own self. It is a process which necessitates exploring one's wants, needs, and desires for the individual herself as well as for her life in general. Recovery compels the individual to examine the underlying issues that led to the development of her anorexia in the first place. Dealing with and reconciling all of the thoughts and feelings attached to each of these areas takes time and patience from everyone involved. You may already understand that recovery requires a good deal of motivation and effort from the individual herself, and your knowing this may cause you to wonder if there is anything you can you do that will positively impact her recovery process. And there are in fact many things that you can do throughout her recovery process that can make a world of difference --- for both of you.

Because there is no one way or right way to recover, and because what works for some people does not work for or even remotely help others, it is crucial to develop a line of communication that flows openly and honestly in both directions: from you to her and from her to you. You need to be able to give each other gentle feedback about the helpful and sometimes not so helpful things that you both do and say to each other. An open line of communication will eliminate your fear of inadvertently saying 'the wrong thing' and being in some way detrimental to her recovery. We are all human and although we mean well, we sometimes do say 'the wrong thing.' But that does not mean that you have single-handedly annihilated her recovery. If your lines of communication are solid, she will be able to tell you that what you said was not helpful, and she may be able to suggest other things that you could say or do that would be more helpful to her. You in turn will be able to hear her feedback and respond to it compassionately. For example, if you say "Wow, you look really great! Have you finally put on some weight?" She could respond with, " I know you mean well, but it's really hard for me to hear you say things like 'you look great,' because I still think that you really mean that I look fat. When you ask if I've put on weight it really confirms for me that my fear is a reality. I'm trying really hard to concentrate on what's inside of me instead of how I look." You might then offer, " I didn't realize it had that effect on you. I will try to watch out for that in the future, but please know that even though I mean well I may make a mistake and say something that isn't helpful. But if you will keep letting me know how what I say affects you, I know we can get through this together." With sound communication the process is reciprocal, meaning that it also works in the opposite direction. You will be able to let her know when she unintentionally hurts your feelings or needs more from you than you are able to give. And she in turn will be able to absorb that information and respond to you in a tender manner. If you are both communicating effectively, there will be no problem too great for you to work out and overcome together.

Practice your communication skills often by encouraging her to talk about how she feels and be an empathic listener. I cannot overemphasize the fundamental importance of empathy, it is so vital in the recovery process. What exactly is empathy anyway? Empathy essentially means that you are trying to understand something exactly the way she understands it, as opposed to the way you think she should understand it. Empathy is putting yourself in her shoes and being in her experience with her. Try to imagine how she feels by listening attentively and with compassion. Accept her point of view and how she feels without trying to change it with statements like, "Oh, don't let that bother you, it's not that important" or "Just let it go. You're a great person, look at all you have going for you." Show her that you care and that you are making a genuine effort to understand by offering her words such as, "It sounds like an aching that grows inside you with each passing day," or "That sounds so frustrating; I can only imagine how angry you must be. That would make me really angry, too." Offering her compassion opens the door for both of you to talk in more detail about how she experiences the world around her. Your acceptance and willingness to see things as she does will enable her to say freely, "It's really more like..." and further clarify her situation and feelings for both of you, thus taking the conversation to a much more intimate level. It is so helpful for every individual to be able to share her point of view, her thoughts, and her feelings without being judged. It will certainly help her feel less alone in the world, and she will undoubtedly take comfort in the fact that you understand and appreciate her on a much deeper level.

If she is in emotional pain, be there with her in it. Give her the space to both experience it and move through it. It can be difficult to see someone we care about in pain, and you may find yourself immediately wanting to 'fix' it and make her feel better. You may feel compelled to give her all sorts of advice or to cheer her up. But think about a time in your own life when you felt intense grief. Perhaps you lost someone you loved, or perhaps there were some tragic circumstances in your life. What did you really want to hear? That it wasn't that bad? That you are blessed with a fabulous life? That you should get over it? Or did you really want and need compassion, a warm embrace, and a soft voice offering you comfort as you shared your inner most pain? Sometimes just being there provides the most healing kind of comfort there is. To give someone the sense that you really understand where she is coming from, and to do that with gentleness and compassion is one of the most precious gifts we as human beings can give to one another.

I'm not at all suggesting that anyone wallow in their misery. It's just that sometimes we worry so much about saving someone from their pain, that we go to the opposite extreme and try to rush them out of it before they have even had the chance to heal from it. Many people worry that their loved one will be trapped in that pain forever. Others find that witnessing their loved one's pain causes them great discomfort, and they try to 'talk them out of their pain' for that reason. But keep in mind that all pain is legitimate and has a purpose. Trust that pain needs to be recognized and experienced in order to be moved through, and that it is in moving through our pain that we eventually come to heal from it. If your loved one is constantly being diverted from her pain by being told that she "shouldn't feel that way" or that "it's not that bad," then she will remain trapped in it and unable to grow from the experience. You will undoubtedly find if you walk with her through her pain that you will both learn and grow. While it may be true that time heals all wounds, it is love, comfort, and caring that makes the healing process more bearable and complete.