Grieving the Different Losses in Your Life - Thinking about Suicide

Written by HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

kaligt: I am not thinking about suicide, but I am ill, and whatever happens, happens. That is how I look at it now -much differently than I did before my daughter died. I know I have to accept it. I am still in shock but have now found the courage to be able to accept death as I didn't have that before.

MicroLion: Why does the pain of grief and depression seem to keep coming in "waves?"

Russell Friedman: Microlion, in our book we use the phrase "roller coaster of emotions" to describe, in a general way, how grievers feel. In part, it is because our bodies have a kind of thermostat, so when we are emotionally overwhelmed it kind of shuts us down. On another front, the factor of how many reminders or stimuli to remember the person or relationship vary.

rwilky: Mr. Friedman, do the feelings/stages that are described by Kubler-Ross in "On Death and Dying" apply to the stages that we might go through with the loss of our loved one, our marriage if it fails, or a pet that dies? I hope that's not a silly question.

Russell Friedman: rwilky, in our book we gently remove ourselves from Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's work, which was not about grief. The stages she defined were about what you might go through if you were told you had a terminal illness. Therefore, although I have talked to more than 50,000 people who are dealing with loss, I have never met one who was in denial that a loss had occurred.

The first thing they say to me is, "my mom died" or "my husband left me."

Del25: In the early stage of heavy grief, is it normal to want to be alone and not have to interact with other people right away?

Russell Friedman: del25, if you have been here for the whole chat, you might recall that a few times I alluded to "in a crisis we go back to old behavior." That might be one issue. A second might be that the level of safety one feels about showing others the raw emotions you are feeling might cause you to avoid contact. And thirdly, you get to be YOU, and whatever you do is okay and normal, because it is you reacting to your own loss. Nobody gets to judge you for that.

jmitchell: Is there any advice you can offer mother's that are grieving over the loss of a stillborn baby?

This mother that lost her daughter has been running constantly and does not know how to slow down. This is fitting into your discussion about doing the real grief work.

Russell Friedman: jmitchell, all loss is about relationships. Society often harms grieving moms and dads by implying that since they didn't get to know the baby, there wasn't really much of a loss, but that is not true. From the moment a woman becomes pregnant she begins a relationship with the baby inside of her. When that relationship is altered by the death of the baby, it is devastating. The moms (and dads) must grieve and complete those relationships just as they would others of longer duration.

ict4evr2: I understand everyone here is here for the same reason. For the first time in my life, I have lost someone special in a violent way. I am learning this is a lengthy process. Does anyone ever really get past a death that was so violent and unexpected?

Russell Friedman: ict4evr2, without wishing to seem simplistic or insensitive, let me suggest that length of time is not the essential issue, rather it is the actions taken within time that can lead to a diminution of the horrific pain caused by loss. Also, please recognize that the "violence" is only one aspect of the loss. A question we always ask, though it might sound crude, is: "Would you miss them any less had they died some other way?" There is only one correct answer to that question. It is the fact that they died, not how, which is the key element of grief.

David: Here's the link to the HealthyPlace.com Depression Community. Also, don't forget to stop by Mr. Friedman's website: http://www.grief-recovery.com

And this is the link to the Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death Divorce, and Other Losses.

pantera: I have had many losses throughout my life, mostly in childhood. I tend to close myself off to future relationships for fear of further loss which would cause too much pain. Any suggestions?

Russell Friedman: Pantera, again, it would almost be illogical for you to do anything else, at this point. If your heart is full of the pain from prior losses, it is almost a definition of being "emotionally unavailabe" or "not being able to make a commitment." The essential task is to go back and complete what was unfinished in prior relationships, otherwise your only choice is to protect your heart from future hurt. That is not really a choice.

David: Thank you, Mr. Friedman, for being our guest tonight and for sharing this information with us. And to those in the audience, thank you for coming and participating. I hope you found it helpful. We have a very large and active community here at HealthyPlace.com. You will always find people interacting with various sites.

Also, if you found our site beneficial, I hope you'll pass our URL around to your friends, mail list buddies, and others. http://www.healthyplace.com

David: Thank you, again, Russell.

Russell Friedman: I appreciate you inviting me and I hope I was helpful to those of you who came tonight. Thanks.

David: Good night, everyone.

Disclaimer: We are not recommending or endorsing any of the suggestions of our guest. In fact, we strongly encourage you to talk over any therapies, remedies or suggestions with your doctor BEFORE you implement them or make any changes in your treatment.

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