online conference transcript

Russell Friedman, author of the Grief Recovery Handbook and Executive Director of the Grief Recovery Institute, joined us to discuss dealing with many different kinds of loss and grief, including losing a loved one through death or divorce, or the sadness one experiences from the loss of a pet or the loss of a stillborn baby. Mr. Friedman also talked about the pain associated with a loss, how to deal effectively with a loss and the sad or painful feelings that accompany a loss.

Audience questions centered on the grieving process, whether to grieve alone, talking about your loss and grief with others, experiencing an emotional crisis from multiple losses and the concept of trying to move forward.

David Roberts is the HealthyPlace.com moderator.

The people in blue are audience members.

David: Good Evening. I'm David Roberts. I'm the moderator for tonight's conference. I want to welcome everyone to HealthyPlace.com. Our topic tonight is "Grieving the Different Losses in Your Life." Our guest is Russell Friedman, author of the Grief Recovery Handbook and Executive Director of the Grief Recovery Institute.

Good evening, Mr. Friedman and welcome to HealthyPlace.com. We appreciate you being our guest tonight. Before we get into the meat of the conference, can you please tell us a bit more about yourself and your expertise in this area?

Russell Friedman: Yes, thanks for asking me onto the show. I had spent much of my life in the restaurant business. I arrived at the Grief Recovery Institute devastated by a second divorce and a bankruptcy. It was at the Institute that I learned to deal with my own pain and then to help others.

David: When you talk about "loss and grief," you're not only addressing the topic of "death and dying," are you?

Russell Friedman: No, not at all. We identify at least 40 different life experiences which can produce the range of emotions called grief. Death is just one of the 40.

David: And can you tell us 3 or 4 others, just so we can get a sense of what loss and grief encompass?

Russell Friedman: Yes, divorce is a fairly obvious one, and so are major financial changes, where we would even use the word "loss," as in the loss of a fortune. Less obvious is MOVING, which changes everything we are familiar with.

David: What have you discovered in people that makes it difficult for some to deal with the grieving process?

Russell Friedman: The biggest culprit is the misinformation we have all learned since we were 3 or 4 years old. For example, we were all taught that time heals all wounds, yet time only passes, it does not complete what is unfinished between you and someone else, living or dead.

David: What is it then that makes for "effective grieving"-- a way for people to actually heal or better deal with their loss?

Russell Friedman: Good question. The first order of business is to learn what has not been effective so we can replace it with better ideas. In addition to the fact that time does not heal, there are at least 5 other myths which contribute to our inability to deal effectively with loss. For another example, we were all taught to "not feel bad" when something sad or painful happens. That idea puts us into conflict with our own nature, which is to be happy when something positive happens and to be sad when something painful happens.

David: So, are you saying that it's perfectly alright to feel the pain associated with a loss and not to bottle up your emotions or dismiss the pain?

Russell Friedman: Not only alright, but very healthy. The human body is a "processing plant" for emotions, not a container to carry them around.

David: Do you think some people are afraid to grieve over a loss? Afraid to deal with the pain associated with a loss?

Russell Friedman: Yes, absolutely, and it's totally based on false information - ideas that indicate that we are somehow defective if we have sad or painful feelings.

David: Here's an audience question on this subject:

sugarbeet: I lost my dad in October and it is really hitting me hard. How do you stop yourself from bottling up your emotions?

Russell Friedman: Hi Sugarbeet. Sorry to hear about your dad's death. Probably the first thing you need to do is establish at least one friend or relative that it is safe for you to talk with, where you won't feel judged or criticized for being human.

David: I think some people may be afraid to talk with others for fear of being judged or pushed away.

Russell Friedman: Yes, based on the fact that we were all taught to "Grieve Alone" for example, the expression that says, "laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone." Therefore, you will be judged if you cry.

sugarbeet: I had to see him suffer, and I keep getting flashbacks... Thanks. It seems like most other people don't want to talk about this subject.