Grieving the Different Losses in Your Life - How Do You Address the Loss of a Pet?

Written by HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

MicroLion: How do you address the loss of a pet? Other people often do not understand the intensity of grief that can result from this.

Russell Friedman: Wow! I spend at least 20% of my waking hours dealing with grieving pet owners. It is shameful that many people in our society do not understand that the closest the thing to unconditional love that we humans ever perceive is from our pets. Go to a website called www.abbeyglen.com and click on the grief recovery button. There you will find some articles I wrote for pet owners.

HPC-Brian: How do you deal with a death when you think that your over it and it comes back to haunt you

Russell Friedman: Since we have been socialized to deal with grief in our heads (or with our intellect) rather than emotionally with our hearts, there is a very high probability that we will try to just move past and through the loss, without taking actions that will actually complete the pain. What is left is like a series of land mines, which can explode anytime there is a stimulus or reminder of the person who died - even decades later. That is why the sub-title of our book is The Action Program For Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses. Without actions, what most people do is just shift the pain out of sight.

katy_: Is it healthier to keep yourself busy and your mind off the issue or to dedicate time thinking about it?

Russell Friedman: Katy - No, staying busy is a recipe for disaster. On the other hand, just "thinking" about a loss is not helpful either. What is called for are a series of small and correct choices which lead to the completion of unfinished emotional business and in turn to an acceptance of the reality of the loss and the retention of fond memories.

David: Here's a short summary of what Katy has been dealing with:

katy_: When I was about 12, I went through some huge life changes. A very close family member died, my dad suffered depression and had become a stranger to me - I found this extremely difficult to deal with. I was unsure of how to deal with the emotions. I bottled them up, feeling that I'd be ok, but I became very unhappy. I had to deal with a lot of complex emotions at a young age. This had its effect. I definitely felt a huge sense of grief. I grieved over the loss of my childhood and my life.

Russell Friedman: Absolutely, Katy, any other outcome would almost be illogical. While we cannot give people their childhood's back (I couldn't retrieve mine either), we can help people become complete with the past, so that they don't have to relive it and repeat it over and over and over - do I make my point?

David: We seem to have a lot of people in the audience, Russell, who have suffered very large multiple losses. Here's another comment:

angelbabywithwings: I have had many, many losses, and I know I have never learned how to deal with them. Traumatic childhood, several deaths in my family in the last four years, and a lifetime of being depressed. I had a stroke 10 years ago which has left me with short term memory loss in which I can't learn anything new. Two years ago, I was hit by a car and suffered a fracture in my right ankle. I had surgery, etc -- all the stuff that goes with it. The second surgery was a year later to take out the pins.

David: This sort of brings me to the question, do you think that with multiple losses, we leave ourselves open to self blame? Sort of like: "I guess I deserved this pain."

Russell Friedman: David, if we have no better choices, we'll latch onto anything that seems to makes sense. But, if you attach to self-blame, I'd bet that self blame is a "habit." And if you'll recall, earlier I said that in a crisis we go back to old behavior - old behavior is a habit. When you acquire better skills you can replace the old, ineffective ones.

pmr: I don't seem to have any problem dealing with final losses, such as death, but I'd like to know: What is the most helpful way to deal with losses that are left open-ended, like with victims of abuse who are no longer able to maintain contact with even their children, because of the results of the abuse in the family. I have difficulty accepting totally losing all my children to this.

Russell Friedman: pmr - I'm glad you brought this up. It points out just how essential it is that we learn better ways of dealing with loss. I, myself, have lost contact with a child who I was very close with because of a falling out with her mother. My heart is broken, but I must deal with it so that my life is not limited any further. As to the abuse issues, the tragedy is exponential: when anyone has been abused sexually, physically, emotionally, etc. It is horrible enough that the abuse happened, but the tragedy compounds when the victim's memory recreates the pain over-and-over and creates an almost impossibility for loving and safe relationships. Grief Recovery is very helpful in limiting the ongoing impact of things that happened a long time ago.

David: Here's an audience comment:

kaligt: I feel pretty much like you do Russell, but I do not want to go on. I want to be with her.

David: "Acceptance" is one of the hardest parts of the grieving process.

Russell Friedman: David, acceptance, from a grief recovery point of view, is different than other uses of that word. For us, acceptance is the result of the actions of completing what is emotionally unfinished.

kaligt - I hear you - loud and clear. It is not uncommon for broken hearted people to feel that way. One of the tragedies is that people get scared and tell you that you shouldn't feel that way. I'd rather allow that your feelings are normal, but any action on those feelings would not be. Therefore, it becomes important for you to learn better ways to deal with the feelings you have. You wouldn't want to live in that kind of pain for a long time.