The next step is the hardest - going the first time. Everyone has a hard time going to a support group the first time. Sometimes, it's hard to make yourself go, even if you enjoy the group and have been attending for some time. Excuses like the following may keep you from going:

• I'm too tired when I get home in the evening.

• I'm fearful of meeting new people.

• I'm afraid I won't be liked.

• I'm afraid I won't be welcomed.

• It feels very risky.

• Transportation is difficult.

• I can't find a group that seems to fit me.

• I don't like to tell others what's going on with me.

Try to get past those issues, figure out how to do it, and go.

Attend a support group several times before making a decision about whether it is the right one for you. Every group can have an off night in which things just don't "gel." You will know if this is not the right group for you if, after a few meetings, you still feel like an outsider. Don't give up! Search out another group.

If you are going to attend a support group and connect with the other people in the group, you must feel safe there. Many groups address this need by having a set of guidelines or rules for the group, sometimes called a safety contract. At one of the first group meetings, the members can discuss what they need to feel safe in the group. While this list varies from group to group, depending on the purpose and focus of the group, some of the most common guidelines are agreements that:

• Personal information shared in the group will not be shared with anyone outside of the group meeting.
• Group members do not tell people outside of the group who attends the group.
• There is no interrupting when a person is speaking or sharing.
• Everyone gets a chance to share. Some groups limit each person's sharing time to 10 minutes to insure that everyone gets time to speak.
• If you don't feel like talking or sharing, you don't have to.
• Members are respectful of each other and treat each other with mutual high regard.
• Judging, criticizing, teasing or "put-downs" are not allowed.
• Group members give other group members feedback only when it is requested.
• A person may leave the group whenever she or he wants or needs to take care of personal needs, to be comfortable, or to attend to other responsibilities.
• Attendance is optional.

Starting a Support Group

If you can't find a support group that meets your needs, consider starting one of your own. It's not a difficult thing to do. One simple way to do this is to invite several people you know to come to a meeting and encourage them to invite other friends as well. Setting it up with another person makes the process easier and more fun. There are many options for groups and there is no one "right way" for a group to be. The following ideas may help:

1. When a support group is always open to new members, it may be difficult to be closely connected to the other members and to share personal information. For this reason, the group may want to put restrictions around when people may come into the group. Support group members can decide if the group will always be open to new members (an open group) or if it will accept members until a certain number of members has been reached or until a certain date and then no longer be open to new members (a closed group).

2. Sometimes, groups get so big they become hard to manage. You may want to restrict your group to a certain number of participants. If a group is so big that not everyone gets a chance to speak and be supported, or if there are so many people in the group that people can't get to know each other well, you may want to divide the group into smaller groups.

3. Decide when you want to meet and for how long. Many support groups meet in the evening, but they can meet any time that is convenient for the members.

4. Find a place to hold the meetings. Libraries, churches, schools, hospitals and health care agencies are good places to look for free space to use for support group meetings. If there is a charge for the space, you might have to ask group members to pay dues or to pay a certain amount each time they attend. If your group is small and is limited to a few people who know each other well, you may decide to hold the meetings in one person's home or to take turns hosting the meeting.

5. Depending on the kind of support group you are starting, you may need to think about or discuss how you are going to get people to come to the group. You may want to:

• Ask each person who has worked on setting up the group to invite several friends or others he or she knows by personal invitation, phoning them, mailing them a note, or sending them an e-mail;
• Put a notice of the meetings in the local newspaper or newspapers;
• Ask your local radio station or stations to announce the group;
• Ask that the group be listed on your local community access television bulletin board; and/or
• Hang posters describing the group in places where interested people might congregate (for instance, if it is a group for people with a particular illness, you might put up posters in doctors' offices and hospital waiting rooms).

Formats for support groups vary widely. The members of the support group decide how they want the meetings to be. If things don't work well one way, the group can choose to do them another way.

I hope this column has helped you to understand the value of support groups and given you information that will be helpful if you decide you want to be a member of a support group.

While I feel that the right support group is a valued addition to anyone's life, please remember that it cannot be expected to meet all of your needs for support. A support group can be one part of your plan for wellness, but does not replace the need to maintain close connections with your family and friends, nor does it substitute for having people available with whom you can share the details of your daily life.

next: Advocacy: A Wellness Tool