What Depression Is Not

Understanding Depression

Non-depressed people have a difficult time understanding depression; which is completely understandable. I've discussed these things elsewhere, but I think this bears repeating here. Depression is not a weakness, character flaw, personality trait, or anything of that kind. It's not God's punishment for past sins. It's not karma catching up with something the person did in a past life. It's not someone just being too sensitive. It's not laziness or immaturity. No one does anything to deserve it. And you did nothing to cause someone in your life to become clinically depressed.

Depression is also not just the emotion of sadness. In fact, many depression patients experience numbness, or no emotion, rather than sadness. It is called a "mood disorder," but this is a misnomer, in that it can go way beyond someone's mood. Depression can totally disrupt someone's thinking, in every way.

Depression is also not an excuse. Having this illness doesn't absolve anyone of responsibility for themselves. Don't make the mistake of letting a depression patient "off the hook" because of his or her illness. Point out any transgressions and explain what went wrong, and make sure the person understands it. However, getting angry or vindictive do no good, either. Keep criticism constructive. And stick by your friend or relative; you will find that it pays off in the end.

Accepting Depression In Someone Else

Just as any depression patient must learn to accept his or her illness, and work on overcoming it, so you must accept that they have a mood disorder. Since recovering is really a matter of work on the patient's part, it's impossible to start doing this work until one accepts that one must do it. By the same token, you will find it impossible to deal with someone else's depression, unless you accept that he or she has an illness--a very real one.

From what I've seen, this is one of the hardest things for friends and family to do. I will not kid you into thinking that this is easy. It's not. Accepting an illness in someone else, that you don't understand and never will (hopefully), is not a simple or trivial matter. Above all, don't blame yourself for it. No one can "make" another person depressed, so don't fall into the trap of thinking that you caused it.

For Caregivers of Depression Patients

This is just as important as anything else! You offer nothing to someone else if you're stressed out. If you need to, take some time away from the depressed person. It will give you a better perspective on things and unravel frustrations and tensions. Just make sure that your friend or relative knows that you're still committed to him or her, anyway. You can even tell him/her that you're taking "time out" for yourself, so you can better help. (It's true.)

next: My Experience With Depression