Though my sense of well-being came in a sudden rush, there had been hard work going on for weeks and months, along the lines of the program described in this book. And there is nothing miraculous about my continuing to stay free of depression, however; that is a matter of diligent effort which is sometimes so demanding that it seems too much to be worthwhile. I have trained myself to say, whenever the impulse to do so arises, "Don't criticize." And whenever I catch myself saying to myself "You idiot!", I have trained myself to smile at the nuttiness of the abuse that I heap on myself for the silliest reasons. So even though I am a depressive with a propensity to sadness which I must constantly fight in this and other ways to be described below, I live a life that is free of prolonged sadness and which includes joy and contentment, as described at length in the Epilogue.

My story also points up the importance of building new habits to counter the habits of self-criticism and low self- esteem that have been worn their ways into one's thinking over the years since childhood, the way wheels wear ruts into soft roads.

Childhood punishment for failure may also make you fear failure so much that the threat of failure panics you to the point that you do not think clearly. This may cause you to reach wrong conclusions because you misinterpret relevant information, which can lead to neg-comps and sadness. As one salesman put it, "Every time I was a minute late for an appointment I'd be scared that the customer would think I am irresponsible and lazy, which would make me so nervous that I couldn't sell effectively. And I also immediately reminded myself that I never manage to do anything right."(3) This was a fellow whose mother set very high standards of reliability for him even as a four-year-old child, and chided him when he failed to meet those standards.

Childhood-Formed Expectations About Adult Accomplishment

Experiences in childhood and adolescence influence your expectations about professional and personal accomplishments.

Each violinist in any [symphony orchestra's] second chair started out as a prodigy in velvet knickers who expected one day to solo exquisitely amid flowers flung by dazzled devotees. The 45-year-old violinist with spectacles on his nose and a bald spot in the middle of his hair is the most disappointed man on earth.(4)

Sometimes changes in one's capacities trigger the depression. A thirty-nine-year-old amateur athlete's present expectations were formed both by his relative excellence as a youth and by his absolute excellence as an adult. And when age curbed his performance and he compared his performance with those expectations, he began to feel sad and depressed.

The "normal" person revises his expectations so that they fit his possible accomplishment reasonably well. The middle-aged violinist may reassess his abilities and arrive at a more realistic assessment of the future. The aging athlete chooses to play in an over-forty tennis league. But some adults do not respond to a gap between expectations and performance by revising their expectations. This may result from heavy parental emphasis on certain expectations such as "Of course you'll win a Nobel prize if you work hard." Such a person carries expectations beyond actual possibilities, and depression ensues.

An interesting but troublesome set of expectations that many of us form as children concerns "happiness." As young people we get the idea that we can hope for (and even expect) a life of care-free ecstatic bliss, a perennial walking on air, as seen in movies and magazine articles about celebrities. Then, when in our youth or young adulthood we do not attain golden bliss--and at the same time we think that other people have attained it--we feel let-down and suffer depression. We must learn that continued bliss is not an attainable goal for anyone, and instead aim at the best that one can realistically expect from life as a human being.

Persistent Criticism by Parents

If your parents continually tell you that your acts are clumsy, foolish, or naughty, you are likely to draw the general conclusion that you are clumsy, foolish, or naughty. Hence as an adult you may have the habit of making negative self- comparisons. For example, a social act that may or may not be clumsy immediately evokes the inner response, "I'm an idiot," or "I'm a klutz." This habit acts like a prejudiced judge who always finds the person guilty, and hence produces frequent negative self-comparisons and consequent prevailing sadness.

Childhood punishment for failure may also make you fear failure so much that the threat of failure panics you to the point that you do not think clearly. This may cause you to reach wrong conclusions because you misinterpret relevant information, which can lead to neg-comps and sadness. As one salesman put it, "Every time I was a minute late for an appointment I'd be scared that the customer would think I am irresponsible and lazy, which would make me so nervous that I couldn't sell effectively. And I also immediately reminded myself that I never manage to do anything right."(3) This was a fellow whose mother set very high standards of reliability for him even as a four-year-old child, and chided him when he failed to meet those standards.

Childhood-Formed Expectations About Adult Accomplishment

Experiences in childhood and adolescence influence your expectations about professional and personal accomplishments.

Each violinist in any [symphony orchestra's] second chair started out as a prodigy in velvet knickers who expected one day to solo exquisitely amid flowers flung by dazzled devotees. The 45-year-old violinist with spectacles on his nose and a bald spot in the middle of his hair is the most disappointed man on earth.(4)

Sometimes changes in one's capacities trigger the depression. A thirty-nine-year-old amateur athlete's present expectations were formed both by his relative excellence as a youth and by his absolute excellence as an adult. And when age curbed his performance and he compared his performance with those expectations, he began to feel sad and depressed.