1. Do not trust your memory. Write everything down. Any time someone tells you something in a negotiation, write it down. It is amazing how much conflicting information will come up at a later time. If you are able to correct your counterpart or refresh his or her memory with facts and figures shared with you in an earlier session, you will earn a tremendous amount of credibility and power. Writing things down may take a few minutes longer, but the results are well worth the time.

2. Listen with a goal in mind. If you have a listening goal, you can look for words and nonverbal cues that add information you are seeking. When you hear specific bits of information, such as your counterpart's willingness to concede on the price, you can expand with more specific questions.

3. Give your counterpart your undivided attention. It is important to look your counterpart in the eye when he or she is speaking. Your goal is to create a win/win outcome so that your counterpart will be willing to negotiate with you again. Thus, your counterpart needs to think you are a fair, honest, and a decent person. One way to help achieve this goal is to pay close attention to your counterpart. Look the person in the eyes when he or she is speak- ing. What message are the eyes sending? What message is his or her nonverbal behavior sending? Many experienced negotiators have found that with careful attention they can tell what their counterpart is really thinking and feeling. Is he or she lying or telling the truth? Is the person nervous and desperate to complete the negotiation? Careful attention and observation will help you determine your counterpart's true meaning.

4. React to the message, not to the person. As mentioned earlier, you want your counterpart to be willing to negotiate with you again. This won't happen if you react to the person and offend his or her dignity. It is helpful to try and understand why your counterpart says the things he or she does. Elaine Donaldson, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, says, "People do what they think they have to do in order to get what they think they want." This is true with negotiators. When we negotiate, we are trying to exchange a relationship. Your counterpart is trying to change it according to his or her best interests. If you were in your counterpart's shoes, you may do the same thing. If you are going to react, attack the message and not your counterpart personally.

5. Don't get angry. When you become angry, your counterpart has gained control in triggering your response. In the angry mode, you are probably not in the best frame of mind to make the best decisions. Emotions of any kind hinder the listening process. Anger especially interferes with the problem-solving process involved in negotiations. When you are angry, you tend to shut out your counterpart.

   If you are going to get angry, do it for the effect, but retain control of your emotions so you can keep control of the negotiations. Remember when Nikita Khrushchev pounded his shoe on the table in the United Nations? The effect worked well for him.

6. Remember, it is impossible to listen and speak at the same time. If you are speaking, you are tipping your hand and not getting the information you need from your counterpart. Obviously, you will have to speak at some point so that your counterpart can help meet your needs and goals, but it is more important for you to learn your counterpart's frame of reference. With information on your counterpart, you will be in control of the negotiation. And when you are in control, you will be acting and your counterpart will be reacting; it is usually better to be the one in the driver's seat.

Interactive Listening Skills

The second type of listening skills are those used to interact with the speaker. These skills help ensure that you understand what the sender is communicating, and they acknowledge the sender's feelings. Interactive skills include clarifying, verifying, and reflecting.

Clarifying

Clarifying is using facilitative questions to clarify information, get additional information, and explore all sides of an issue. Examples: "Can you clarify this?" "What specific information do you want?" "When do you want the report?"

Verifying

Verifying is paraphrasing the speaker's words to ensure understanding and to check meaning and interpretation with him or her. Examples: "As I understand it, your plan is..." "It sounds like you're saying..." "This is what you've decided and the reasons are..."