Assertiveness, Non-Assertiveness, and Assertive Techniques

Aggressiveness

An aggressive person is one who wins by using power, hurts others, is intimidating, controls the environment to suit his/her needs, and chooses for others. An aggressive says, "You're not OK."

He/she is inappropriately expressive, emotionally honest, direct, and self-enhancing at the expense of another. An aggressive person feels righteous, superior, deprecatory at the time of action and possibly guilty later.

Aggressive Body Language:

• Leaning forward with glaring eyes.
• Pointing a finger at the person to whom you are speaking.
• Shouting.
• Clenching the fists.
• Putting hands on hips and wagging the head.

Remember: ASSERTIVENESS IS NOT ONLY A MATTER OF WHAT YOU SAY, BUT ALSO A FUNCTION OF HOW YOU SAY IT!

How To Improve the Communication Process

• Active listening: reflecting back (paraphrasing) to the other person both words and feelings expressed by that person.
• Identifying your position: stating your thoughts and feelings about the situation.
• Exploring alternative solution: brainstorming other possibilities; rating the pros and cons; ranking the possible solutions.

Making Simple Requests:

• You have a right to make your wants known to others.
• You deny your own importance when you do not ask for what you want.
• The best way to get exactly what you want is to ask for it directly.
• Indirect ways of asking for what you want may not be understood.
• Your request is more likely to be understood when you use assertive body language.
• Asking for what you want is a skill that can be learned.
• Directly asking for what you want can become a habit with many pleasant rewards.

Refusing requests:

• You have a right to say NO!
• You deny your own importance when you say yes and you really mean no.
• Saying no does not imply that you reject another person; you are simply refusing a request.
• When saying no, it is important to be direct, concise, and to the point.
• If you really mean to say no, do not be swayed by pleading, begging, cajoling, compliments, or other forms of manipulation.
• You may offer reasons for your refusal, but don't get carried away with numerous excuses.
• A simple apology is adequate; excessive apologies can be offensive.
• Demonstrate assertive body language.
• Saying no is a skill that can be learned.
• Saying no and not feeling guilty about it can become a habit that can be very growth enhancing.

Assertive Ways of Saying "No":

• Basic principles to follow in answers: brevity, clarity, firmness, and honesty.
• Begin your answer with the word "NO" so it is not ambiguous.
• Make your answer short and to the point.
• Don't give a long explanation.
• Be honest, direct and firm.
• Don't say, "I'm sorry, but..."