"People Say I'm Crazy

'Crazy' is the diary of a mad filmmaker

John Cadigan probes illness' effect on his family.

(August 15, 2004) -- When John Cadigan was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, making a movie about it seemed like the natural thing to do.

As an artist with a passion for woodcutting, Cadigan, 34, quickly took to operating a camera.

But living with the decision to open his life to the scrutiny of an audience was far more difficult.

Cadigan's inner dialogue about how to visually and honestly depict the depression and paranoid thoughts that mark his disease is the heart of "People Say I'm Crazy," a documentary he produced with one of his siblings, filmmaker Katie Cadigan, that debuts Aug. 18 on Cinemax.

In the film, Cadigan confesses his fear that Katie, who won multiple awards for an earlier, 30-minute documentary she created about the onset of his illness, is manipulating him to further her own career and will cut him out of the film.

"I have a part of my brain that can say, 'This is a paranoid thought,' but that doesn't lessen the paranoia. It's still there and it's emotionally draining and really hard to deal with," Cadigan said during a recent visit to New York from his home in Palo Alto, Calif.

"It was a scary change in our relationship of John being in 100% control of the camera and [me] having the footage," added Katie, 42. "It was fertile ground for thoughts to erupt."

Indeed, "Crazy" depicts Cadigan at his worst - catatonic and unable to blink during an early hospitalization; 150 pounds heavier from the medication Clozaril and pacing with anxiety over his paranoid thoughts, and struggling with depression so immobilizing he cannot work.

"When you're in that state of intense paranoia and imagery, it's hard to get the camera out and set up the shot," Cadigan said. "That's the hardest part for me."

But the film also demonstrates that people with mental illness have good days, and debunks the myths that those with schizophrenia have multiple personalities and are inherently violent. The documentary also shows the extraordinary support provided by Cadigan's family, as his siblings and parents work to understand and accept what has happened to him. He elicits raw answers when he asks them what the hardest thing is about his schizophrenia.

"To single out one wouldn't do it," his mother says with a sigh as she gardens in her yard. "There are a hundred hardest parts."

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Getting behind the camera allowed Cadigan to ask those tough questions, he said.

"You can tell I have a really good family. When I asked them, 'What's the hardest part of my illness?' that's not something I would normally ask," said Cadigan, now 90 pounds lighter after starting a diet last year.

"The film helps you get closer," he said, glancing up through his owlish glasses. "It's a lot about a family dealing with a serious illness and helping to shed light on what mental illness really is, to foster empathy and compassion. It's a hidden epidemic and people don't know about it."

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