Talking to Our Girls About Sex

Our girls are developing faster than we did. It's up to us to help them love their rapidly changing bodies and thrive in a sexually charged world.  Here's how to face the War on Girls

You're out shopping with your favorite niece, a sixth grader, and you're shocked to discover that she already wears a junior size nine. Or your own preteen begs you for a midriff top and hip-hugging capri pants. You reluctantly give in but vow she'll never be seen "looking like that" at school.

Girls have always grown up faster than boys. But these days they're developing at a younger age than their mothers and grandmothers did. "Over the last several decades, puberty has been starting early," says Andrew Goldstein, an obstetrician-gynecologist who teaches at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore. In previous generations, puberty usually started with breast development at age 10 or 11 and lasted through age 16 or 17. Today it typically starts around age 9. And as a group, Black girls seem to develop earlier than other girls. "It's not unusual to see a girl at 8 or even 7 with breast buds," says Hilda Hutcherson, M.D., codirector of the New York Center for Human Sexuality at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center in New York and author of What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex.

What's Going On?

Medical experts aren't quite sure why girls are physically maturing earlier. One theory holds that growth hormones in meat, milk and other animal products may be triggering the change. Other theories point to genetics or to today's girls being better nourished than those of previous generations. Obesity has long been believed to play a role. But overweight girls aren't the only ones developing faster.

Most pediatricians advise mothers that there's no need to worry if their 8-year-old needs to wear a training bra or their 9-year-old starts menstruating. But look at the social context: Our culture is more sexually charged than ever, with fewer taboos and boundaries. According to a 1999 report by Kaiser Family Foundation, two thirds of primetime television programs feature sexual content, and an average of five scenes per hour depict sexual talk or behavior. Dare we mention the music videos? A National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy report notes that music videos objectify women--no surprise there--with 57 percent of women appearing partially clothed compared with 28 percent of the men.

We're also seeing a glorification of the nymphet--and she's getting younger and younger. A cute but grown-up-looking girl plants a grown-up kiss on a boy in Macy Gray's Sweet Baby video. At the end of the Destiny's Child video for Bootylicious, we see child versions of Beyonce, Kelly and Michelle. Combine these with the orgasmic aura of Britney Spears and Janet Jackson--both hugely popular among African-American girls--and Lil' Bow Wow's attempts to "pull" adult-looking women in his videos.

While those in the entertainment industry dismiss such images as harmless fun, experts warn that they encourage impressionable and fiercely devoted young fans to behave like adults before their time. For many young women, this can have lasting consequences. "If you don't have your girlhood when you're supposed to, you'll have it later," says Gaff E. Wyatt, Ph.D., a psychologist and professor at the University of California, Los Angeles. Delayed girlhood results in women who are immature, angry or unfocused, she explains. They may quit school or jobs prematurely because they never learned the lessons of adolescence before diving into womanhood. On the other hand, early womanhood can throw a girl into adult situations that she's not ready to handle.

Having the Talk

The good news is that by taking a holistic approach to our girls' development and truly maintaining responsibility for their spiritual, emotional, mental, physical and sexual development, we can help them better navigate the challenges that come with puberty. "Just as you prepare your child to read, you have to prepare them to deal with their sexuality," says Cheryl Doyle, M.D., associate director of pediatrics at Woodhull Medical and Mental Health Center in Brooklyn. It often seems that children don't listen to adults, but they actually greatly value what their parents say. According to a study by Girl Scouts of the U.S.A. and SmartGirl.com, nearly 80 percent of 8-to-12-year-olds said they turned to their mothers when they had a problem or needed advice. But when the topic is sex, too many of us clam up, secretly wishing our kids wouldn't ask, or we muddy the conversation with myths and euphemisms.

The time to start preparing for the talk is day one. From the time a child comes into the world, a diligent parent closely monitors all aspects of her development, from motor skills to verbal ability. As you read health books, parenting magazines and talk to your family pediatrician about physical and behavioral changes you observe, be sure you include those that may signal your daughter's evolving sexuality. For example, children spend the first four or five years of their lives discovering their mouth, fingers, toes--and their genitals. "It's very innocent body exploration, and because they get pleasure, they continue," Hutcherson says.

Such touching leads to questions about the child's own body. Then curiosity about their friends' bodies can turn into "playing doctor," or comparing genitals. This is not the time to freak out but to understand your child's natural curiosity. Nevertheless, parents should set boundaries. "We should explain that these are our private parts, and that's why we wear clothes," says Andrew Goldstein, the Baltimore OB-GYN. We should also begin to communicate to our children that no one else is allowed to touch their private parts.

The Stages of Puberty

The appearance of tiny breast buds or elevated nipples represents a major stage--called thelarche--in a girl's development. This is when a young girl's body starts producing estrogen. Soon afterward, the girl begins to develop fine hair under her arms and on her genitals; this is the stage called adrenarche. About a year after breast budding, the girl often has a growth spurt, gaining perhaps as much as four inches in a year.

So what does a mother do when her 8- or 9-year-old daughter's breasts begin to show? Hutcherson advises mothers to prepare their daughters for the physical changes, especially for the fourth stage of puberty, called menarche or the onset of menstruation. Up until this stage, girls associate blood with pain and injury. "Tell her it's a positive change, so she's not afraid of it," Hutcherson suggests. Help her understand that menstruation signals that her body is functioning normally.

Now is also a good time to start preparing girls for the attention they might receive from older males. "You're not worded about a 9-year-old calling up a male classmate, but you might be concerned about an older boy finding her attractive," Hutcherson says. She strongly advises that we teach our girls to watch out for untoward gestures and touches and to tell us if such a situation occurs. "Let the girl know that her body belongs to her," Hutcherson says firmly. "It's not appropriate for a boy, uncle or a father to manipulate her body." She doesn't have to hug or kiss even a relative if she doesn't want to.

The Mind-Body Gap

One of the most trying aspects of early puberty--trying for both parent and child is the gap between a girl's physical development and her psychological development. For a young girl, having a well-developed body can raise the stakes at a time when rebellion is becoming the norm. A teenage girl, who has the physical equipment but not the emotional maturity, can turn to sex to prove her independence, often with disastrous results.

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Goldstein advises that parents, grandparents or other primary caregivers acknowledge their girl's conflicting feelings while teaching self-control, providing her with honest, straightforward information and setting realistic boundaries. "You can't tell a teenager that it's inappropriate to kiss a boy," he says. "That approach will backfire."

Birds, Bees and STDs

The fact is, one day your girl will have to make a decision about whether or not to have sex. Before her sexual hormones kick in at puberty, she needs to hear from a trusted adult about the consequences of becoming sexually active. It's up to you to make sure she has all the information she needs about how to protect herself from sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), unwanted pregnancies and emotional harm.

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Last updated: 3/02

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