Avoiding Sex Talk Opening Up To Sex

Sex, the most fearful and fascinating, the most guilt ridden and ecstatic of arts, is a subject we do not discuss easily. Most of us have spent many years avoiding sex talk due to our shame, guilt, and fear programming. In order to share Sacred Sexuality, you must have the courage to communicate your innermost feelings, letting your partner know what you like and dislike. It is also important to realize that you, and no one else, is responsible for your own sexual satisfaction. You must have the courage to ask your partner for what you need in order to experience ecstasy.

Sexual Rapport

How can we have healthy sex talk in our relationship? We must build trust and intimacy by getting in rapport. Rapport is the non verbal aspect of sex talk that creates harmony and makes it comfortable for us to share our innermost feelings.

Matching your mate's breathing, body posture, movements, voice level and intensity, and primary communication system -- visual, auditory, or kinesthetic will help you get in rapport. It is the little things that communicate our love, from a gentle touch to a soul searching glance; a thoughtful gesture to a cozy snuggle. Charlie and I like to get in rapport by holding each other while we are lying down, spoon fashion. As we lie quietly together, we synchronize our breathing and imagine that we are melting into each other. This form of rapport building is a bonding exercise that deepens trust and intimacy.

The four most terrifying words in a relationship are We need to talk. These words can cause our partner to shutdown his emotions as a form of self-protection. He will either go into denial by stating, "There's nothing wrong"; or on the offensive, "You're always bugging me about our relationship"; or he will retreat into the television set. My greatest difficulty in our relationship used to be getting Charlie to express his emotions. He was raised to be the strong silent male and has worked to overcome that pattern. I was programmed to be the people-pleasing female and used to talk too much, verbalizing before I had crystallized my thoughts. When Charlie expresses his emotions, as he does more easily now, his words are gifts of understanding for our relationship.

Sometimes when we are communicating something painful, we want to run away and hide from the rawness of our emotions. We can release the old reaction pattern of dancing away by staying present, processing through our impasse. In resisting the urge to run from conflict, ask yourself, What is the gift of this conflict? How can this experience be my sacred teacher?

The greatest challenge in sex talk and in relationships is to stay out of polarity. Polarity is the feeling of separateness, symbolized by the conflict between the sexes. That same conflict is a mirror of the inner conflict between our masculine and feminine energies. When we feel polarized, we become fearful and defensive and our ego takes control of our emotions. We create walls that separate us from the one we love the most. Many relationships die because the partners wait too long to communicate their feelings, particularly about their sex life. We can allow ourselves to be vulnerable, particularly in our sex talk. We release polarity as we become aware of our feelings of separateness and choose, instead, to create trust, harmony, and oneness.

Say What You Like

Sex talk involves sharing your innermost feelings by revealing what you like and dislike about your sex life. For example, in my workshops, we often demonstrate a way to share this information. One of our demos began with Charlie saying, "I like it when you initiate sex." Then I respond, "I like it when you kiss me passionately at unexpected times, not just during our lovemaking. "

The process consists of a round -- a like, a dislike, and then a like from each partner. When we hear something that is painful, we do not respond verbally. We discuss our feelings immediately afterward, but the exercise should continue without distraction for as many rounds as are agreed upon at the beginning.

• "I don't like it when you are not mentally present during sex."

• Charlie's statement was true but painful to hear. I took a deep breath and continued. "I don't like it when you are goal oriented."

• "I like making love at unexpected times and places."

• It was my turn to speak, and I was thinking about how much I enjoy oral sex. I felt my words getting tangled in a right-brain processing. "I like... I like it... I like your tongue!"

The group and I broke into nervous laughter. The old reaction pattern of shame had sneaked into my expression. Because of this incident, it has become much easier to say in front of a group, "I love it when we share oral sex." It was a healing experience for me to struggle with breaking the old pattern of shame.

The next day I received a note from one of the workshop participants. It said, "Thank you for your gift of talking about oral sex. I had always felt guilty when my husband Rick tried to get me to make love in this way. I could do it for him, but my religious programming of shame taught me that nice girls didn't receive oral sex. Your statement last night was a healing for me. It gave me permission to fully enjoy my sexuality and Rick's tongue!"

We must stop the guessing game about what we do and do not like in our sexual relationship with our mate. Another healing method of communicating our feelings is to play the I Feel game. Take turns making the following statements to each other: "I feel scared when... I feel angry when... If feel abandoned when... I feel sad when... I feel happy when... I feel ecstasy when..." This exercise empowers couples to take responsibility for their emotions. Do not accept a statement that begins, "You make me feel..." No one can make us feel any emotion without our permission.

A Sexual Beginner

Sex talk requires a beginner's mind. A beginner's mind focuses on the present and sees the beloved as brand new in each moment. We have a tendency to replay all our old dramas, dragging our past into the present. While it is important to heal and release our woundedness, communication can easily reach an impasse when we replay all the old resentments we have felt toward each other. If you feel stuck in your sex talk, ask yourself, "Is this the truth about my beloved? Is what I am feeling the truth about who we really are?"

Our sex talk will be enhanced when we realize that every action is a request for love. No matter how hurtful the comment your mate makes, he is really asking, Do you love me? If we approach every communication as a request for love, we will be able to heal our relationships.

In traveling around the United States and the world, I am constantly reminded of how many lonely people there are. In one of the churches where I spoke, a four-year-old boy and his mother were visiting for the first time. After the service was over, the little boy watched as people hugged each other. He spoke loudly, "Isn't there someone here I can love?" A man standing nearby heard his question and held out his arms. The little boy ran to him, thrilled to be shown affection. We are all like that little boy, wondering how we can give and receive the love that we crave.

Sex talk involves trust and intimacy; releasing polarity; sharing your innermost feelings, including your sexual likes and dislikes; and maintaining a beginner's mind. When we can communicate our needs with our beloved, we will be sharing conscious loving and enhancing our experience of Sacred Sexuality.

Last updated: 8/05

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