how to have good sex

Sex Tips For Men:
On Being Good In Bed

Women dig men who exhibit this same kind of whole-body sensitivity as much as men dig women who are readily satisfied by simple intercourse; it's reassuring to them, it's a response they can identify with. So cultivate whole-body sensitivity if you can. Your nipples are good places to start; encourage her to tease them, and let it be known when that's turning you on. She'll love you for this.

Cathy: "Allow me to emphasize the `let it be known when that's turning you on' part. The most frustrating sexual encounter I ever had was with a guy who did not react at all to anything I did."

In general, make noise when she's pleasing you. Feedback should go both ways; she'll please you more, and enjoy you more, if she knows which things she's doing right.

OK, so you've been doing horny things to each other for a while now and she seems hot enough to screw. Do you immediately perform a genital docking maneuver? Nope. Not if you're smart. At this point, my dear friend, my advice for you is learn to love cunnilingus.

Remember, she's capable of multiple orgasms. Your unassisted penis is going to give her approximately one. I say `approximately' because some women have trouble orgasming from genital intercourse alone (though nowadays this is much less a problem than formerly; the appropriate qualifier used to be "many women"). On the other hand, if you're a stud with serious arousal control, you may be able to avoid popping while she has several (but this is wearing, and even those of us who can do it tend to reserve it for special occasions). It averages out to about one.

Cathy: "But that `one' is okay if both of you have a great time with your erection while it lasts, and with the encounter in general. Women don't really expect men to be sex gods -- they just want the guys to try to meet their needs."

(Women: There's a flip side to this. If you just lie there waiting to be aroused and penetrated, you are short-changing him. Maybe he can't have as many orgasms as you, but that's all the more reason to let your hands and lips roam. Tease him. Thrill him. Rub your body against his. Be active. Make noise. Be aggressive, even -- put his hands where you want them, squeeze his cock or do something else to reward him when he does something you like. If the classic male error is being too fast, the classic female error is being too passive and expecting him to do all the work. Many guys are so starved for decent feedback that they'll love you for avoiding this mistake alone.)

The basic disparity between a man's typical single-peak response and a woman's multiorgasmic capability is why cunnilingus is your friend, and why (if you want to be remembered as a hot lover) the right lead-in to genital sex is often some serious oral sex. When a woman has had several orgasms on the tip of your tongue, she's likely to be forgiving even if you're so aroused that you explode immediately on entry. Think of it as defensive programming...

Your basic good cunnilingus technique is to lap at her labia and clitoris as if you were licking an ice-cream cone. Women vary a good deal in their response to this kind of stimulation, so unless you know your partner's preferences start light and slow and gradually crank up the intensity until you find where she responds best. Note that some women find direct tongue stimulation of the clitoris unbearably intense at low arousal levels -- so, though it makes a tempting target, you should sneak up on it gradually and be prepared to back off if she shows signs of distress. Breaking off occasionally to kiss and lick her inner thighs will tease her a bit and give you a rest. Be creative!

(Women: when a man gives you a thorough licking, it's only courteous to return the favor with some hearty fellatio just before he enters you. It's also smart; a man concentrating hard on giving you pleasure can lose some arousal levels, and you may well enjoy his cock more if you polish up that erection a bit.)

Cathy: "Agreed. This is especially if the guy has had to lick you a long time because it was hard for you to get aroused for some reason. You kept him waiting, and fair is fair."

If you've set up your no-lose situation properly, you can safely let instinct pretty much take over after the point of penetration. Paying attention and slowing down is still a good idea, though. There are various techniques for slowing down; one that I find effective is to thrust deep and then just freeze, no genital or body motion at all for a few seconds. (If your partner likes deep penetration this will drive her berserk, so you'll get a double benefit).

Cathy: "Be careful about that thrust-and-hold maneuver if you're built large. Some guys have this idea that they can't be good in bed if they are not hung like a horse. Untrue! In fact, I have sad memories of real pain that I suffered from well-meaning lovers who were so well-endowed that each thrust hurt. You don't need to be thick and long. Thick and short will fill her up quite nicely in most cases, because the vagina doesn't have very many nerve endings and much of the sensation comes from the lateral stretching a thick penis provides. And if you're short and thin...well, as Eric said, you still have lips and hands. One of the best lovers I ever had was short and thin, but his mouth and hands made up for it."

Sensible women will tell you when they're reaching the big-thunderclap final orgasm; in fact, enthusiastic ones not infrequently scream it loudly enough to scandalize the neighbors. If you're paying attention, you'll get fairly clear indications even when she's not vocal; whole-body tremors are a common sign. If you can pace things so you let go just after she begins to climax, that's about ideal.

If you arranged things properly, the two of you are having a thumping good mutual orgasm about now. Enjoy your reward. If you feel so inclined, roaring and bellowing in harmony with her cries of ectasy is quite good manners at this point. She'll feel appreciated.

Cathy: "However, don't bellow directly in her ear..."

Congratulations. But you are not quite done yet, stud. Never underestimate the importance of the post-coital cuddle. Chicks dig this amazingly. Just hold her gently for a while (murmured endearments and light kisses are optional but usually much appreciated). Let the afterglow happen. You will score serious points for this, even if you wander off to hack a few minutes later.

Cathy: "This can be a good time to talk quietly about personal things, if you are trying to get to know her better."

Note: I have just laid out a template for good basic sex. It works -- if you follow it you won't go far wrong. However, beware of taking it too literally. As in other kinds of art, over-reliance on technique tends to produce mechanical, joyless results. No woman wants to feel like a paint-by-numbers diagram or an obstacle course; if you find yourself mentally checking off boxes on a rote grand tour of her errogenous zones, it's not likely to work well for either of you.

Tastes differ, and you need to adapt to local conditions with each partner. Some women will really get off on having their nipples sucked; others are almost indifferent to it. A few prefer shallow penetration to deep. Notice these differences (and others) and use them.

You will also occasionally run into special situations in which her particular needs are so pressing that your own gratification runs a very distant second to satisfying her. The most common of these is virginity. If the woman tells you she is a virgin, or you discover it through the presence of an intact hymen (a membrane half-blocking access to the vagina), feel extremely honored that she has trusted you to help her have a good first experience. A woman's first time is more difficult than a man's and may involve minor pain and bleeding as the hymen ruptures. Accordingly, you need to be extra gentle and extra careful that she is extremely aroused before penetration, so that any discomfort will quickly be washed away by pleasure. The post-coital cuddle is especially important with a virgin; you could literally shape her attitude towards men and sex for the rest of her life with that few minutes of kindness.

In general, remember the objectives: joy and satisfaction. Pay attention to her feedback and tune your behavior accordingly. Answer her desires, and let her know when she's answering yours. That, not physical equipment or fancy moves, is what will make you terrific in bed.

Last updated: 8/05

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