how to have good sex

The Requirements for Great Sex

By Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld

contd.

In "The New Male Sexuality," I hope we are constructing, the satisfaction of both partners is paramount. The man has to assert his own wants and preferences, but also be sensitive to his partner's. It is not his job to give her orgasms, but it is in his interests to understand her desires and to fulfill them to the best of his abilities.

Being assertive and self-focused entails knowing your conditions, going after them, and thoroughly involving yourself in your own pleasure. You want sex now, so you try to interest your partner. You like to kiss this way, so that's what you do. You like to touch her breasts that way, so you do it. You like intercourse in such a position, so that's what you go for. And while doing these things, you're immersed in your sensations and experience, fully present and alive to what is happening. A good lover is assertive in these ways. He knows what he wants, or is willing to find out, and he goes after it without apology or guilt.

But a good lover is also sensitive to his partner's needs. You notice if she doesn't seem interested in exactly what you want or suggests something else, and you're flexible enough to try to combine both of your desires to make for a mutually satisfying experience. And you don't use guilt or other types of coercion to get what you want. A good lover is attentive to his partner's breaths, sounds, and movements and notices what works and doesn't work for her. He also listens carefully when she says what she likes. If she doesn't spontaneously voice her likes and dislikes, he asks. Bad lovers don't ask, don't listen, and don't remember.

A good lover takes the time and energy to use his knowledge to make sure his partner enjoys sex as much as he does. He also knows that sex isn't necessarily over when he's satisfied. Maybe she wants something more. A good lover would not be open to the charge a woman made about her new boyfriend: "He's one of these selfish or unconscious men. When he comes, it's all over. I have to go, 'Knock, knock, can I have a turn, too?'" A good lover is also sensitive enough to not pressure his partner to perform to boost his ego.

It is difficult, perhaps impossible, to be both sensitive and self-absorbed at the same time. The trick is to be able to be both, but at different times. If you want her to go down on you, for instance, ask her to. That's being assertive. But if she says no, accept the no with good grace and find out what else you two can do. If she never wants to stimulate you orally and that kind of stimulation is important to you, talk to her about it and see if something can be worked out. If she wants you to go down on her, listen to her request and do as she wants, say you don't feel like it now, or tell her what your objection is and work something out. If you want her to initiate more, you say so, but you also listen sympathetically if she tells you why this is difficult.

There can be times when sex is mainly for her and others when it's mainly for you. If it's for you, then get into your self-absorbed mode and get exactly what you want. If it's for her, then focus entirely on what she wants.

Of course there are other times when it's mainly for both of you. This requires some shifting back and forth. Perhaps you like to kiss her breasts quite hard but she likes that only, after some softer touching and kissing. So you could do it the way she wants until she's ready for you to do it your way. If she likes slow and gentle intercourse and you prefer it fast and furious, you could do it her way for a while, then your way. Or there can be occasions when intercourse is done her way, other times when it's done your way. Perhaps your favorite intercourse position is from the rear or with you on top. Your partner enjoys these positions but they are not her favorites. Nonetheless, she's happy to use them mainly for your pleasure. She adjusts herself to your pace and tries to give you everything you want. You should accept her gifts and make it as pleasurable as possible for yourself. Perhaps her favorite position is her on top. Now you should accommodate yourself to her rhythm and try to give her everything she wants.

We have already started on the self-centered side by determining your conditions. Now let's deal with how to get them met and how to be assertive in your communications. Sometimes I switch back and forth between the two poles of sexual happiness: assertiveness and sensitivity. I realize it's a bit of a balancing act (both for you as reader and me as writer, as well) for all of us in real life. But it is a balancing act that must be mastered if we are to have truly wonderful sex.

6. Understanding, accepting, and appreciating sex differences.

Perhaps the main reason that being sensitive to your partner is difficult is that she is not only a separate and unique human being, and therefore in some respects not like you, but also because the two of you belong to different cultures.

Of course, one of the greatest attractions women have for us is that they are different. They are small where we are large, soft where we are hard, curvy where we are flat, and they have an orifice where we have a protrusion. But they differ from us in other ways as well, and these differences often drive us crazy, and does the same to them. Since the beginning of time, men and women have been exasperated and frustrated in trying to understand and deal with each other.

Men complain: Why are women so emotional and such nags? Why do they want to talk so much? Why are they so weird about sex? What in God's name do they want? Is there any way to satisfy them? From women come a different set of grievances: Why are men so withholding? Why are they so focused on sex and so unromantic? Why can't they remember a birthday or anniversary? From both men and women come the cry: "Why can't they be more like us!" The common phrase "the war of the sexes" indicates the strength of our feelings.

One could easily get the impression that men and women are totally different, as this man's statement implies: "If the first space visitor arrived from Mars, and was male, I'd have more in common with him than with any woman on Earth." In fact, because we are all humans, we are more similar than different. We all breathe air, sleep, eat, eliminate, use language, think, and feel. If it were possible to quantity everything, we would probably conclude that women and men are 90 percent similar. But it's that remaining 10 percent that causes all the trouble.

Even in something as fundamental as the use of language, there are differences between the typical man and the typical woman. Sex therapist Victor Barbieri sums it up this way: "Men and women use the same words but speak different languages." As Deborah Tannen demonstrated in her You Just Don't Understand, the definitions of even simple terms like talk and conversation depend heavily on whether you are a she or a he. And clearly men and women don't necessarily have the same things in mind when they use words such as relationship, love, sex, and intimacy.

Girls and boys specialize in different areas. Boys learn to achieve and perform in the outside world, while girls get more practice dealing with feelings, communicating, and relating. In addition, males and females come to sex from different perspectives -- girls approaching via love and sensuality, boys more from lust and a desire to prove themselves. While men and women both want love and sex, they have separate styles of love and being sexual.

It is these separate styles that justify thinking of men and women as representing different cultures and that result in no end of misunderstandings, confusion, and conflicts. Here is a common example:

HE: "Everything between us was so tense after our spat on Sunday. I thought if we made love, things would get better."

SHE: "How can we make love? We haven't talked in days."

The differences between the sexes affect our perceptions and understandings of ourselves, our partners, and our relationships and can make us feel bad about all three. It helps enormously to understand and accept these differences. The more you understand and accept your male tendencies, the better and less guilty you'll feel. The more you understand that your partner is acting as she is not because she wants to thwart you, not because she's neurotic, and not necessarily because of anything you've done, but simply because this is the way women tend to be, the better you'll feel both about her and about yourself.

I now turn to some of the main differences between men and women that can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. Please keep in mind that I do not believe and am not saying that one way is better than another. The point is to promote understanding, not to pass judgment. There are, of course, exceptions to every single item. But the existence of an exception, or even many of them, does not necessarily invalidate a rule.

From "The New Male Sexuality" by Bernie Zilbergeld, PhD. Copyright © 1992 by Bernie Zilbergeld. Used by permission of Bantam Books, a division of Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc.

Last updated: 8/05

top ~ secret to good sex in marriage ~ table of contents ~ send page to friend