how to have good sex

The Requirements for Great Sex

1. Good Solid Information
2. Base it on Pleasure
3. Good Sex can Flourish
4. Communication is Key
5. Focus on Your Pleasure
6. Appreciate the Differences

1. Accurate information about your own sexuality, your partner's, and about sex itself.

This means getting away from the myths and unrealistic expectations, and being able to learn about your own sexuality and that of your partner.

2. Having or developing an orientation based on pleasure (arousal, love, lust, and fun) rather than performance.

In other words, holding to some version of the definition of good sex, and being willing to work and focus on arousal, excitement, and passion -- the keys to good erotic feelings.

3. Having the kind of relationship in which good sex can flourish.

Whether your relationship lasts for an afternoon or forty years, its dynamics have a significant influence on the quality and quantity of sex. Relationship issues are typically seen as something more important to women than to men --and they certainly are very important to women -- but, as we shall see, they are also crucial to men. A major aspect of having a good relationship is being able to deal with differences of opinion and conflicts quickly and effectively. Sex usually suffers when there is tension, hostility, or distance.

4. Being able to communicate verbally and nonverbally about sex.

Perhaps the most important component of a good relationship is the ability to communicate. Regarding sex, you need to be able to express your wants and don't wants, your questions and concerns, and your pleasure, and you need to be able to listen to and understand what your partner is expressing. You also need the capacity to discus conflicts and problems with your partner and work toward mutually satisfying solutions.

One reason you need to be able to communicate is that sex with another person involves physical coordination of a kind that's rare anywhere else. Let's compare masturbation with partner sex to illustrate this point. Our bodies are the most sophisticated feedback systems ever built. When you touch your own body, the process is automatic, self correcting and extremely efficient. Continuous feedback between your penis, your brain, and your hand allows the brain automatically to move your hand to achieve the results you want.

Now let's consider your partner stimulating your penis with her hand. Suddenly, things are much more complex. Your feedback mechanism still works -- you know to what extent you're getting what you want -- but your friend isn't part of it. To include her in the feedback loop, you must bring into awareness and put into words what by yourself was done without words or awareness. "Move your hand up...too far...down a bit more...that's right, and a little harder...a little faster...that's good...oops, harder now...faster...that's great," and so on. You even have to tell your friend when to stop stimulating, because she may stop sooner than you want or not soon enough.

This is complicated business, and the complications increase with other acts. In oral sex, for instance, you may have to inform your partner that her teeth are hurting you, and that she should apply more or less pressure with her mouth and hand (assuming that she is also using her hand), or that you want her to take more of your penis in her mouth. With a partner, you may want-and she most certainly wants -- certain kinds of stimulation that you ordinarily can't or don't do by yourself (hugging, kissing, expressing feelings orally, and so on). With her, you may also want certain feelings to develop aside from sexual arousal, and their development may require the expression of certain attitudes and behaviors. With masturbation, you can do it or not do it, or start and abruptly change your mind, stop, and do something else. With a partner, you have to inform her of what is happening. And since the two of you won't always be in agreement as to what should or should not be done, there has to be a way of expressing and dealing with the discrepant desires. Partner sex also carries baggage that masturbation usually does not. If you decide not to masturbate today or for the next ten weeks, or if you decide to masturbate every single day, it's unlikely that issues of love, desirability, or adequacy come into play. It's no big deal whatever you do. But with a partner, things are a bit different. Being able to talk, listen, understand, and negotiate are absolutely essential.

5. Being assertive about your own desires and able to focus fully on your own pleasure and also being exquisitely sensitive to your partner and able to give her what she wants.

I know, it sounds like a contradiction, but it really isn't.

Being only self-centered or only sensitive does not work. The man who only goes after what he wants and pays little attention to his partner will end up alone or with a very unhappy partner. The man who focuses solely on his partner's desires will not get what he wants and therefore be unhappy. And his partner may also be dissatisfied because she senses that no matter how sensitive he is to her needs, he's not expressing or fulfilling his own.

In days of old, sex was mainly an act of male assertiveness. Having an orgasm inside a woman was what he wanted, and it was far from clear what she might want or what he might be able to do for her. Many men didn't think women wanted anything in sex but engaged in it only because they wanted something else that sex could bring -- conception, a steady boyfriend, a happy husband -- or because they had been tricked into it. For men who weren't cads, the main aspect of sensitivity was not harming the woman; in other words, treating her gently and using protection against disease.

The view, of women as nonsexual came under attack in the last century and increasingly in the twentieth century until it was finally accepted that women were indeed sexual creatures. Men should strive not only for their own satisfaction but also for their partners'. Since men were still seen as more sexual than women, and since they had more leeway to gain experience, it was their task to introduce women to the joys of sex.

The research of Kinsey and later Masters and Johnson added influence to this view. Women were capable not only of enjoying sex but also of orgasm, maybe more orgasms than men. Men ought to give them their due. This was an important step forward, but one result is that men felt more pressured to perform because somehow the message was that they had to "give" their partners orgasms. Some men became so focused on ensuring their partners' pleasure that they forgot about their own.

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Last updated: 8/05

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