how to have good sex

Good Sex Is Learned - Not Natural

While sex drive is natural, how we express our sexuality varies from instinctual mating just to get off or have children, to expressing caring intimacy and loving sensuality with our partners. Mating sex is natural. Caring, intimate sexuality is learned.

People view sexuality in different ways depending on their culture, personal attitudes and expectations, which are often based on past experiences. Sadly, many are exposed to negative sexual experience in childhood, which greatly inhibits positive, other-centered sexual sharing. But we often become defensive and resistant to learning new sexual attitudes.

The loving couple is willing to constantly learn and relearn about each other's sexual pleasures by experimentation and sincerely wanting to sensually please the other. But few couples take the time to have honest discussions about their sexuality. The result is years of repeating a sexual routine which often becomes boring. Our sex drive is natural, but we must learn as couples to keep it exciting, creative and fulfilling.

Problems in sex may turn into much broader relationship issues. The women with a low sex desire may have to deal with a sexually deprived man or vice versa. One partner may harp on the other for more sex and this drives them further apart. Often the partner with the lower sex drive recognizes the problem but is unable to acknowledge or discuss it without feeling inadequate. Sometimes just discussing honestly the problem can relieve a lot of tension, bring them closer together emotionally, and start the process of resolution.

Sometimes self-pleasuring is one partial solution. Kinsey data (1990) reveals that 94% of men and 70% of women admit they masturbate to orgasm. Another study shows that 66% of men and 46% of women in their fifties masturbate on a regular basis.

Most married couples masturbate to lessen tension, to decrease sexual demands on a lower sex desire partner and it can relieve sexual tension if one's partner is unavailable. Masturbation can also give you a feeling of being in control of your own sexual satisfaction without having to always rely on your partner.

Last updated: 8/05

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