Psychological Intimacy in the Lasting Relationships of Heterosexual and Same-Gender Couples

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To clarify whether the differences between lesbians and the other two groups was a matter of sexual orientation or gender, a second model was constructed and tested with logistic regression. Gender was substituted for sexual orientation of couples in that model. The results are shown in.

Factors that contributed to understanding psychological intimacy in the first regression analysis continued to have a similar effect in this modified model. The gender of participants had a moderate effect on the reported psychological intimacy in recent years (B = .81, p [less than] .08).

Sexual Orientation, Gender, and Psychological Intimacy

To examine the interacting effects of gender and sexual orientation on psychological intimacy, we returned to the original qualitative data. The four elements in the theoretical model for this study discussed earlier in this paper (proximity, openness, reciprocity and interdependence) were useful in this task. Subtle differences were found in how these elements were weighed by participants, as they talked about the meaning of psychological intimacy in their relationships.

Themes of proximity and interdependence were evident among males, as illustrated in the responses of a gay male:

Emotionally, things are really good now ... it feels good knowing I'm growing old with [his partner], even though we're very different people ... I'm very social and I have a lot of friends, and he's not as social and he doesn't have as many friends . . . We both place a really great importance on togetherness. We make sure that we have dinner together every night and we have our weekend activities that we make sure we do together. . . I think that both of us understand it's also important to be an individual and have your own life, . . I think you become really uninteresting to each other if you don't have another life you can come back and share . . . You need to bring things into the relationship . . . [things] that keep it growing and changing.

The importance of proximity in the connection to his partner became evident as this individual responded to our inquiry about psychological intimacy. At the same time, he noted the value that he placed on separateness from his partner. By implication, he was also talking about the element of interdependence as he expressed the joy of "growing old" with his partner in spite of the differences in their individual psychological makeups. He emphasized proximity along with interpersonal differentiation as he discussed the relationship in recent years.

The responses of many women tended to reflect themes of openness and mutuality, along with differentiation in the psychologically intimate connection with their partners. A lesbian participant spoke of those elements in her relationship:

What has been good is the ongoing caring and respect and the sense that there is somebody there who really cares, who has your best interest, who loves you, who knows you better than anybody, and still likes you. . . and just that knowing, that familiarity, the depth of that knowing, the depth of that connection [that makes it] so incredibly meaningful. There is something spiritual after awhile. It has a life of its own. This is what is really so comfortable.

Variations by gender may have reflected how individuals perceived and valued different elements of psychological intimacy within themselves and in their partners. Because of the gender differences between partners in heterosexual relationships, these variations on the theme of psychological intimacy were manifested in a different way. The following observations of a heterosexual male illustrated those variations; he viewed his wife as

very unselfish, and she would sacrifice so that I could go out and do my thing. One thing that we have always done, always, is talk constantly to each other. I don't know what we talk about, and I don't know what we've had to talk about all these years, but we still communicate with each other. . . We've had fights . . . when she gets mad at me I stop talking to her. And then she feels very bad, and this may last a day or two, and then it passes and everything is fine again . . . She's more open than I am. I keep a lot inside and I don't let it out, and that's probably not good. But, that's the way I am.

Many heterosexual males viewed observable qualities in their wives, such as support and their style of managing conflict, as important in developing and maintaining a sense of psychological intimacy in their marriages. Females, on the other hand, often commented on the observable and then went on to identify their understanding of the underlying dynamics that shaped behavior. More than men, women talked about the interplay of relational dynamics. The spouse in this marriage reported that she filled certain needs in him, and I know he filled certain needs in me . . . he didn't have very high self-esteem. I may have boosted his confidence a lot . . . He tells me I go ballistic over stupid things, and he is outwardly very calming . . . I don't always agree with him, and he does not always agree with me . . . but we're good friends through it all, and I think that if you have a good friend, you should be able to disagree or agree, or get angry or be happy, or any number of emotions, if that's your friend, that's your friend ... I don't even know how to describe it, you just have that closeness . . . there has to be enough there so that when all these little outside things are finally gone, it's not "Who are you? I don't know you, and we don't have anything." You have to really work at keeping that level of a relationship active . . . not just a physical spark, but just the whole picture.

Themes of connectedness and separateness in these four interview passages were important dynamics in understanding the meaning of psychological intimacy to participants. The elements of proximity, closeness, mutuality, and interdependence may have been shaped most significantly by the interaction of males and females in same- and opposite-gender relationships. That is, it may not be gender alone that accounts for the differences between males and females. If women value attachment in relationships in a way different from men, then the data may suggest a mutually reinforcing process toward strengthening connectedness in lesbian relationships. In heterosexual and gay male relationships, the value that males place on separateness in relationships may temper the quality of attachment that develops over the years, and therefore results in different forms of psychological intimacy.

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Psychological intimacy between lesbian partners had a different relational history from that of heterosexual and gay male partners. From the early years to recent years, our data suggest a progressive shift toward psychological intimacy between lesbian partners. Lesbians were as evasive of face-to-face discussions of conflict as heterosexual and gay male males, during the early years of their relationships. For lesbians, the avoidance appeared to be a consequence of fearing abandonment by their partners if they openly confronted differences. Only as lesbian couples became increasingly disenchanted with their relationships did modification in conflict management styles occur. Usually, one partner took the risk of expressing her unhappiness. That encounter resulted in 85% of lesbians applying for couple therapy. Based on the reports of lesbian respondents about the meaning of therapy to their relationships, being involved in treatment may have supported the development of psychologically intimate communication between partners.

LIMITATIONS

Qualitative modes of data collection based on in-depth interviews conducted are an effective tool for studying elusive phenomena, such as psychological intimacy. The richness of data elicited through the method used in this study is quite different from data collected through other means, although there are concerns about validity and reliability, as well as the nature of the sample.

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