Sexual Healing from Sexual Abuse
Advice for Adult Survivors

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Here are some ideas for how to get started in sexual healing:

1. Learn about healthy sexuality
   A first step in sexual healing is to learn to distinguish abusive type sex from healthy sex. If you commonly use words like, “bad” “dirty” “overwhelming” “frightening” “hurtful” and “secretive” to describe sex, you need to realize that these are descriptive of “sexual abuse.” “Healthy sexuality” is something very different. It is characterized by choice, consent, equality, respect, honesty, trust, safety, intimacy, and sensual enjoyment.

   In the books that you read and the movies you watch, decrease your exposure to abusive sex images and increase your exposure to examples of sex in which partners are responsible and express love and caring for each other.

2. See yourself as separate from what was done to you
   We are all born sexually innocent. Due to sexual abuse or subsequent sexual behavior, you may erroneously believe that, sexually, you are bad, damaged goods, or merely a sexual object for someone else’s use.

   Let the past be past, and give yourself a healthy sexual future. You are not strapped to the negative labels an offender may have called you or to the way you saw yourself as a result of the abuse. Now you have choice and can assert your true self with others. Old labels will disappear as you stop believing them and stop acting in ways that reinforce them.

3. Stop sexual behaviors that are part of the problem
   You can’t build a new foundation for healthy sex until you’ve gotten rid of sexual behaviors that could undermine healing. Sexual behaviors that need to go, typically include: having sex when you don’t want to, unsafe and risky sex, extramarital affairs, promiscuous sex, violent or degrading sex, compulsive sex, and engaging in abusive sexual fantasies. If you can’t do it on your own, seek help from 12-step programs and other supports. It takes time to break old habits and learn how to channel sexual energy in ways that nurture the body as well as the soul.

4. Learn to handle automatic reactions to touch
   Many survivors encounter unpleasant automatic reactions to touch and sex, such as: flashbacks of the abuse, fleeting thoughts of the offender, or strange reactions to something a sexual partner does or says during lovemaking. While these reactions are common, unavoidable, even protective, results of trauma--- years later---they can get in the way of enjoying sex. By developing understanding and patience you can learn to handle them effectively.

   When you experience an unwanted reaction to touch, stop and become more consciously aware of the reaction. Then calm your self physically with slow breathing, self-massage and relaxation techniques. As soon as you can, affirm your present reality by reminding yourself of who you are now and that you have many options. You may also want to alter the activity in some way to make it more comfortable. Automatic reactions will diminish over time you become more aware of and responsive to them.

5. Familiarize yourself with touch techniques
   You can use special touch exercises to help you relearn intimate touch in a safe and relaxed way. Different from traditional sex therapy techniques (which can be overwhelming to survivors), the “relearning touch” techniques provide a wide assortment of exercises from which to choose as you feel ready. You can do some relearning touch exercises on your own, while others require a partner. (Detailed descriptions of the exercises can be found in my book, The Sexual Healing Journey, and my video, “Relearning Touch” -- to order call 1-800-678-3455).

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These exercises help you develop skills such as: feeling relaxed with touch, breathing comfortably, staying present, communicating with a partner, having fun, and expressing and receiving love through physical contact. The exercises are progressive and follow a sequence from playful, non-sexual touch to sensual, pleasuring touch activities. When necessary, you can address specific sexual problems, such as orgasmic and erectile difficulties, by modifying standard sex therapy techniques using the new skills acquired in relearning touch.

You can repair the damage done to you in the past. You can look forward to a new surge of self-respect, personal contentment, emotional intimacy. When you reclaim your sexuality, you reclaim yourself.

Written in 1999. Last reviewed: 10/05

Wendy Maltz, MSW, is an internationally recognized therapist and expert on healthy sexuality and sexual recovery. Her books include: The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women’s Sexual Fantasies, and Incest and Sexuality: A Guide to Understanding and Healing.

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