FAQ's concerning Time-Outs

Q: For what ages are time-outs effective?

A: Time-outs can be used starting with toddlers (use less time; one minute per year) and probably through age ten. It always works with young children. It will work with older children who have been trained this way.

Q: What if someone tries to make the person in time-out feel better or other children want to play with the time-out person?

A: It won't work. EVERYONE must respect a time-out and both parents must agree ahead of time on the procedure. This is vital. Children must see a united front or they will divide and conquer.

Q: What if I lose my temper and then use time-out?

A: Don't. If you lose your temper, give yourself a break and then start over. If the child has been yelled at, it's too late. This must be done calmly. The power is in the parent's ability for self-control.

Q: Shouldn't I explain in greater detail why a time out is being used?

A: No! Too much talking is a sign of weakness to a child. One short sentence is best. A few words are even better. Hitting -- time-out.

Q: I don't want to lock my child in. It's awful. Why can't I stand there and hold the door?

A: You will raise a good lawyer this way but unless you want to engage in power struggles that you will lose, let the lock be the bad guy. Remove yourself from manipulation, begging, pleading, etc. Don't talk to the person in time-out.

Q: Why can't I send my child to his room? Is it necessary to accompany him?

A: Unless you want a door slammed and a child who feels powerful because he can slam doors, walk the child (or carry the child) to his time-out room. Eliminate the problem before it is a problem.

Q: What if the child wrecks havoc in his room?

A: I know it is hard, but DO NOT RESPOND. If toys are broken, the toy is gone. If anything is damaged, the child can help repair it or can pay for it out of allowance and chores. NO RESPONSE will stop the destruction. Don't let "havoc" cloud the issue. Focus only on the time-out: quiet for 10 minutes.

Q: What if they continue to cause a commotion?

A: Quiet means quiet. When a child finally stops, even if it is to fall asleep, go to the door and say, "Now you are quiet, the timer is set for 10 minutes. I will come to your door when the timer goes off." If you don't have a timer, buy one that clips to your clothing so you won't forget the child! Don't answer if a child calls out, "How much more time?" It is better to leave another timer outside the child's door and tell them to wait for the "ding."

Q: Why can't I hug my child when this is over?

A: While explaining how much you love the child and offering hugs sounds like a good idea, it will cancel out the effect of the time-out and the child will get a double message. Time-outs work when they totally withdraw attention. If it's punctuated by hugs and words of love, the child will continue to control the parent.

Q: How many times a day should I use Time-Outs?

A: As many as it takes. Remember, use it for the most serious offenses. Don't worry about how many times during one day. Difficult, persistence children will test the limits longer than most parents can hold out...but do it. Don't give in and don't give up. Stay calm and outlast the child, no matter how many times a day or how long it takes.

Dr. Rimm says that time-outs are effective because they shift the manipulative power from children to the leadership power of their parents. It doesn't draw undue attention to the children's negative behaviors. The withdrawal of power and attention has the effect of setting a definite limit. It makes it clear to children that they must stop misbehaving.