September 12, 2000

Woke up Sunday morning in a frisky mood. So Paul and I spent a good 15 minutes screaming, singing, tickling, punching, kicking, pushing, hugging, kissing, bouncing, jumping, and horsing around. Then we went to our friend Neil's to adopt some box turtle he's had in foster care. We admired his new cages and played with some of his baby iguanas as well. It was a nice visit.

Monday night, we spent cuddled up watching The Beguiled. Late tonight, we plan on taking a short walk together so I can nail my session for today and get some together time. Pretty blissful, undramatic.

Today, I get e-mail from Shawn who is trying to find Tinkerbell earrings for Xmas for his... um... girl person. No wait, potential interest. He thought since I lived closer to Disneyania, I would have better luck since he can't find them anywhere where he is. I pointed him to them on-line and he took care if it himself.

They aren't together or dating, but there's some weird thing going on there. Too hard to explain. I happen to think if he's buying her jewelry, they are dating. If they aren't dating, then he shouldn't be buying her jewelry. But then that is me on my relationship scale. Jewelry is too imbibed with secret meanings to be given too soon.

This evening, I get a call from Shawn, who is still strung out despite finding the earrings. This whole pre-relationship thing with this girl is driving him batty. On the one hand, he really likes her. On the other hand, she's being too weird about involvement. So he doesn't know whether to just stay friends and move on or what. I didn't even bring up the earrings thing because I figure he knows how he wants to spend his money.

Spent a good hour listening to him rant and rave while I was dicing onions and celery for dinner.

"Why can't you just make up your mind? Why do you have all this self-doubt?" I asked.

"I have no idea. I guess I am afraid of making a bad decision."

"There are no bad decisions. You just sit down, pick the best decision possible with the information present, go with it, and then you reach a new place and reevaluate and make another decision. It is not like this is the only decision you will ever make in your life! There's always more!"

"Everything is so black-and-white with you."

"No, it isn't. I realize there are many shades of gray. But when it comes to the big stuff in my life, I rather know for sure what I want before I go out trying to look for it. Otherwise, I'll end up running around just wasting time, emotional energy and effort getting closer to nowhere! Life is too valuable and short to waste on crap like that."

"True. I just wish she'd tell me flat out what's going on with her."

"Have you asked her?"

"Why should I ask? She should just say it!"

"Oh, gee, don't let pride get in the way or anything." I plopped the vegetables in the pan. "What happened to life being to short to waste on crap?"

He laughed. It's one of the liberties you get when you are an old girlfriend -- being able to get right to the point.

"Stop laughing. You know what I mean! This stuff is all silly. Just get to the point already, and then you both can get on with life in general. This is simply too much drama! You say she's a nice girl. Ok, I don't know her, so I'll believe you. She's a nice girl. And you are a nice, decent person. You've grown up a lot and changed. You can handle being straight up. So do it already."

"That's really good to hear. That means a lot."

"Well, trust me, of all the people on this planet, I'd know. You have. I also know it was hard won and it took a long time and you aren't always so sure of yourself. It's a fragile new thing still. So don't throw it all away on a gal who doesn't have her own act together who will make you bonkers if this gets long and drawn out. Just do what you gotta do and quit second guessing yourself! Have a talk with her! Get it out in the open Get on with it!!"

Some part of me deep down is quite fond of him even though sometimes he can be such a yutz. Maybe it's that whole sappy sentimental thing about first boyfriends. Or maybe it was one of those "right people at the wrong time" situations.

But it's the very things that drove me crazy about him his girlfriend that drive me crazy now as his friend -- this whole self-doubt, self-esteem, fear of getting hurt thing. He knows this is a problem and he tries so hard to get past it.

When we were dating, when I'd bust out laughing over the strange and needless little dramas he'd put himself into, he'd get all offended and mad. At least he's grown past it enough, so he can laugh with me.

"Know what I found while I was packing to move?"

"What?"

"This thing I wrote when I was in elementary school on that big fat lined paper in kid writing that says,'My name is Shawn. I am a lovable person. I am capable and I do good work.;"

That busted us both up because those are the very things he has trouble with -- he doesn't think he is lovable, he doesn't think he is capable and he's never sure if he's doing a good enough job at anything.

I gasped, "Ohhhh! Xerox me a copy!"

"I should hang that in my office, " he joked.

"Make it poster size!"

I think when you can laugh at yourself it's a good thing.

~Astrophe