March 22, 2000 -- 8:26 PM EST

Went swimming Monday, which was kind of cool since I haven't done that in months. Today? My name is nausea.

I am tense, having bad dreams, my stomach feels bad, and I'm reaching for the easy eats -- cookies, chips, bread -- even though I shouldn't, this is where I definitely ought to be thinking more about what I choose to eat if my stomach is already so unhappy.

I need to de-stress, figure out what's bothering me so much and just chill out.

Argh.

Maybe it's cabin fever, or worry about the bills, or just generally feeling like I am losing contact with the world. Suburbia Generica is killing me slowly. I went to gym this afternoon and instead of going in, I zipped into the Walgreens next door, bought Paul his sinus/allergy stuff and got me Mylanta in gel caps.

I don't want to do anything.

Yet I want to do something.

My stomach doesn't want to do anything.

My head wants to be doing something.

I don't feel happy today at all.

Why is it that when I feel fine and normal the world is a grand place and the second I start feeling sick, I start thinking evil things about my body?

I hate my body today. I hate my stomach in particular. Why?

Because it is making me feel bad, with this acid, nausea. All queasy and not good. And of course, if I am sitting on the sofa trying to read and rest and destress, and my stomach is making me want to throw up and I start wondering if I ought to be sitting nearer to the bathroom (thinking of throwing up makes me want to throw up, I hate to throw up!). Then I stop reading and I stare at my stomach and it ceases to be a part of me. It's no longer a part of my body, part of my whole person-ness.

It's this bloated parasite stuck to my middle, flopping over onto my lap as I sit down, sucking the life out of me, ingesting me with it's putrid venom, making me feel gross and yucky and I start thinking all these evil thoughts like how great it would be if it would just go away and die, detach itself from my body and go somewhere else and bother somebody else.

Ugh.

I feel bile coming up, my throat getting tight and this acrid sour taste in my mouth.

Come on, Mylanta, do your thing already!

Did I eat something bad in the last few days? Do I have food poisoning? Am I catching the flu? I'm not pregnant. So what the hell is making me feel so nasty?!

~Astrophe