March 10, 2000 -- 10:12 AM EST

My Shape subscription is about to run out and I am going to let it. I keep throwing the notices away from the mail.

Last night I picked up The Complete Book of Fitness : Mind, Body, Spirit by Fitness Magazine and Karen Andes.

I know I've mentioned it before and it was one of those things I'd been meaning to pick up but never remembered to do. Now that my magazines are pretty much over, I figured I would get it. I don't know why I didn't get it earlier. It pretty much covers it all, whereas the magazines get goofy. Maybe it's because trying to recover the same thing over and over and making it fresh gets old? Who knows.

At any rate, I am good-sore again from my last weights session. I like the feeling.

Yesterday, while doing yoga, I was thinking about this whole body project and what I am doing.

I want to concentrate more on upper body strength training. I'm decent with lower body but upper body is pathetic. Maybe just do leg presses or squats and then work in more specific arm things instead of doing general arm things. Comprehensive vs isolation.

I am trying to learn more things to do about improving balance. I have none. Maybe if I work on balance more I won't have that fear of heights thing as badly.

The food journal is going ok. I'm fine making good choices so that I get most of the RDA's but dammit, the sodium is STILL making me crazy. I don't even salt anything! Bread and cereal are the big culprits, because I am such a big cereal eater and because I love toast so much. This requires planning, because it's so damn easy to slap something between bread or pour some more cereal and go, go, go at lunch than to cook anything.

It's not that my sodium level is evil, it's just that I am not getting enough water, and I worry. I'd prefer keeping it lower-sodium. I struggle to keep it at the middle of the suggested "safe" range of but I always come out slighty ahead. This is better than the average American, but I am not that vague, elusive, statistical fantasy person that does this and wears that and has 2.5 kids and half a dog and whatever else. I am ME!

• How much sodium does the human body require? 500 mg a day.
• How much does the average American take in a day? 2,300 - 6, 900 mg a day.
• What's the "safe" range for sodium consumption? 1,100-3,300 mg a day

When I was last at Gooding's, I took a blood pressure reading and it was about usual -- 125/70. I think the last time I checked Paul's was 140/85ish. He's borderlining.

(Blood pressure measures two numbers. The top number is the systolic pressure--the pressure of blood in the vessels as the heart beats. The lower number is the diastolic pressure--the pressure of the blood between heartbeats. Both of these numbers count--blood pressure is high when the systolic pressure is 140 or above and/or when diastolic pressure is 90 or above. More here.)

My MIL's SO is getting some heart thing done -- aorta valve something. They were at the emergency room last weekend. I don't recall the details. I'm concerned. Paul says it's not a big thing and not to worry so much.

"I can't not worry!"

"He's had one done before and he's been on blood thinners for the last 15 years. This isn't extraordinary."

"Yeesh. That Southern food will really kill ya."

"It's not that bad."

"Yes, it is!"

I don't think Paul worries as much as me because it's not him. He's concerned, of course, but he's not as upset as me.

I get upset. I don't care if he's been on blood thinners for the last fifteen years. What's up with his diet that he needs blood thinners for so long? What's going on there?! It sounds like treating a symptom and not a resolving the problem. Why is Paul not more upset? This is his heart.

This is not like an accident that smashes somebody's hand and it has to be removed. While not fun, people can still keep going without a hand. But if your heart goes, you are out of the game!

I don't know what shape Paul's parents are in. I ought to call them up and inquire or ask his sister. I don't think Paul knows himself. But I worry because it's a lifestyle he was raised in and it's genetics he got. Our lifestyle together is different than that of his parents and his childhood, but I can't change genetics.

I guess I feel all this pressure somehow because I am the one who makes the meals, I am the one who buys the groceries, I am the one who has to be thinking about his diet. He helps me cook if I direct, but it's not the same. Left to his own devices he'd eat Cuban sandwiches all the time! Is what I am feeding him going to help him or slowly kill him? What about me? Am I eating well enough to safeguard my future health? Are we exercising enough to stay fit?

I'm also the one to make the medical appointments and the one pushing for more recreational fitness together. Paul is wondering if he can still skate(board) and he idly talks about getting his old boards out from his mom's garage. If he wants to take that up again I'll BUY him a new one, and I'll get out my rollerblades to try to keep up with him or follow on my bike. I'll deal with him flying off ramps even though just looking at pictures of him doing that makes me freak out. I'll resign myself to patching whatever injuries he gets because he plays rough and just deal with my queasiness when I see him bleeding.

It's like his food. At the moment I just care that he eats, period. With his exercise, I just care that he does it, period. I'll worry about fine tuning it all later.

He needs to do more flexibility stuff. He says he's never been particularly flexible because he's so tall. He's not into stretching or yoga, so this isn't something I can just get him to do by buying him a new toy like I could with skates, bikes and maybe a skateboard.

I just think it's pathetic that a 25 year old man can't touch the floor with his hands if he bends over. I can do that, and I have megaboobs this huge pot belly thing in the way!

Melodrama. Sigh.

The interesting thing about Paul though... he's been eating more and more vegan food at dinner time. I don't know if this is becoming a preference thing for him or if it's the lazy factor kicking in because he knows if he wants meat he has to to cook it. Even if it is the lazy factor, I'll take it!

~Astrophe