March 6, 2000 -- 10:16 AM EST

On Saturday we went to my SIL's baby shower. Paul was worrying that he'd be the only guy at some chick baby shower, but his brother and his brother's BIL were there, also freaking that they'd be the only guys at some chick baby shower. So it turned out fine -- they had each other for moral support. We played chick baby shower games. I won baby wash and baby powder. Whee!

Amanda, our baby niece, older-sister-to-be, charmed the pants off Paul. She had learned to say his name and kept running around paying him all sorts of attention and she kissed him unbidden so this made him go all googly. When we were saying bye to everyone was joking that maybe at the next shower, we'd be the guests of honor. Yow! Time to leave!

On that MaybeBaby thing... we've pretty much resigned ourselves to the fact that we're going to be feeling baby stupid for a long while. My head says not yet, so everything else has to just deal with it. But even though my head says one thing, and I know I will stick to that, it doesn't help with the emotional weirdness.

Afterglow isn't just pleasant afterglow anymore. Sometimes it's a bit depressing. Then I get all moody. It's not that I don't enjoy the sex, it's just not plain sex anymore. It's weird. Paul picks up on that and tries to get me to talk about it but I feel too funny. I guess I am just not ready to deal with that one yet because I can't quite put it into words. To me it feels like puberty part two. I have NO control over my feelings and they are all over the place. All this body stuff.

We came home early even though we had plans to go out with his mom and sister because he forgot to take his painkiller and his mouth was hurting him. We talked about all kinds of things in the car on the way home and then I feel asleep. He woke me up when we pulled into the drive and I tumbled to bed.

We napped, then when we got up we made food and sacked out on the futon watching The Godfather part II.

Sunday, I did the groceries (horrors!) and I made that paella I wanted to make. Then I talked to the forum girls for awhile and then we started working on the cage. We didn't quite finish the main frame because the drill bit was not happy with the pressure treated wood -- Paul said he'd pick up a new bit at lunch time today and offered to buy me another drill if I bought him a saw.

He went in to nap because his teeth drugs were making him woozy and I was getting ready to clean when Shawn called me up and we ended up talking for a few hours.

It's definitely easier to talk to him every time we talk. It's still a little weird to me though. Then again, until you've been at it for a long time, it's always going to be weird being friends with an ex. But it's definitely better to be friends. At least to me. We talked about all sorts of stuff, and then he said he isn't coming for Easter when a bunch of our old friends are getting together, including Nancy.

"Too weird."

"Why?"

"Because, I can't quite deal with the tension. It would make me uncomfortable."

"What tension? We've known all these people for years."

"No, I mean the tension between us."

"There's no tension between us. At least I didn't think there was."

"Trust me, it's just better if you deal with it alone, then we can do something else later. I need to see you, then see you and Paul, before jumping into seeing everyone else."

"Oh, you mean you can't deal with me and Paul and then our friends on top of it all at once?"

"Exactly."

"Why?"

"Because they will ask, and I am not sure if I am ready to deal with that."

"Ask why you and I broke up? They all know about Paul and that I've been married for years. Jeez, some of them met him already."

"I know, but it is just too weird to me to do it all at once. Besides, this might seem shallow or a vanity thing, but I really rather not see you until I look better."

"What?! Good grief!"

"Don't go there."

"Why should that make a difference? Listen, I'm about 20 or 30 lbs heavier than the last time you saw me. Who gives a damn?"

"Don't go there!"

"You are silly."

So strange -- this whole getting reacquainted thing over the phone and letters. He's so the same it's funny. Sigh.

[...]

Today is the first day of the SELF Challenge. Maybe my bras will be here with the afternoon post. I keep wondering what is taking so damn long?!

~Astrophe