Eating Habits Better - Dieting Journal

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Astrophe's Journal

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February 18, 2000 -- 8:34 PM EST

I feel a lot saner now that the horrible homestead is over and done with. Now onto the taxes... Saner, but not done being cranky! It's letting up, maybe by this weekend I'll feel more relaxed.

I am really glad that tomorrow is Saturday and I can get on with my errands and restock the staples and then start cooking normally. I really can't hang with not being well stocked. It makes the whole eating thing go nuts! For me to be smooth in the kitchen department, I need to have those things there when I want them! Canned goods mostly, and produce. A vegan with no produce or canned goods is a very bitchy one.

If I don't eat normal my whole life goes wonky. I am Panda!

I've been eating wayyyy too much oatmeal and cereal just because that's what we've got on hand that is fast to fix. If I see another bowl of "breakfast-y" foods I will pitch it over my head!

Paul eating issues. When I do groceries I am going to have to stock up on lunchbox type things and then make him take his lunch to work. He's going to have the choice of my purple insulated lunch box or my red Animaniacs lunchbox. Maybe if I bought him the industrial lunchbox from mcphee.com and plaster it over with Linux and BeOS stickers he'd be more fond of taking his lunch in. Having the right lunch box can be so crucial!

I know I don't like to take my lunch anywhere in just a paper bag. So dull. No personality at all. How do you get excited aout eating your brought-from-home lunch if it's all boring?! I wish I could have a lunchbox for every day of the week. I wish someone else made my lunch so there would be a surprise.

If they make those binders with the view sleeves, why can't they make a lunch box with one? Then I could swap out whatever picture I wanted to be looking at that day on my lunchbox! At least that would be different.

The problem with buying Paul lunchbox food like graham crackers and things to go with his sandwich is that he will eat them all at home. So then I have to hide them from him.

He also leaves his lunch box in the car because he hates to carry things around "all over" (what from the parking lot to his office fridge?) and eats it on the way home so then he's not hungry for dinner. I've given up trying to eat with him at 6 or 7. We just eat dinner at like 10 or 11 PM when he gets up from his nap.

Lately, I haven't been eating with him at all, I just eat when *I* am hungry and he eats later. I am starting to miss talking to him over dinner. I never see him otherwise.

Maybe I ought to stock the office fridge with food he can microwave? He prolly wouldn't microwave it or eat it. So damn absent-minded.

He's as difficult as a little kid.

[...]

I was in a chat room the other day and everyone was talking about all this food they wanted to have. I was quiet, namely because the food they wanted was unappealing to vegan me -- mostly meat things like fried chicken. I was also thinking to myself "If you want it, and like it, why can't you just EAT it?!"

I just sat there, waiting for the next topic of conversation to pop up so I could join in the discussion again.

This is going to sound totally weird, but I felt like I was left out not because of the vegan thing, but because I have no desire to worry myself over what I can and can't eat. I couldn't join the party and say, "Yeah! You want that, and *I* want to eat that mango sorbet! I want to eat that vegan chocolate! I want to eat vegan pizza and french fries! But I CAN'T....arggggh!"

I couldn't join in, because I don't can't. I just go to the kitchen, whip it out and eat it.

Am I crazy to think I can just go ahead and eat whatever the hell it is I want without it having to mean utter total destruction to my fitness plans?

[...]

I am convinced life is recursive... or karmic... or something.

[...]

I was thinking yesterday about what happend to Sassy and then someone writes to me about the same magazine in my guestbook. Is there a Sassy archive anywhere? It was like the only sane froo-froo fashion-entertainment type of magazine geared at girls.

I am thinking about ordering BodyPride to see if it is any good as suggested reading for girls like the reviews I hear.

I still don't know what to point them to. It's not like I can tell the girls to run to the nearest XXX store and check out the variety of shapes and ages in the porn mags. They come in all flavors there -- big, small, short, tall, wide, narrow, lesbigaystrayttrans, hairy, not hairy, fit, unfit, all colors, all ages, piercings, tattoos, whatever.

This is what I tell any of my adult women friends with body freakouts to do.

Ok, go LOOK. Go check out all those different kinds of bodies and get it through your head that they are all ok, someone out there is going to admire each and every single one style and flavor otherwise they wouldn't sell this stuff! Now quite harassing yourself and like you for you! want to be into fitness and healthy stuff, ok. Great. Want to not be into that and be into art or poetry, ok. Want to be into shovelling horse poop, and mucking stalls because you are totally into your horseback riding, ok.

But this obsession with some idolized idea of beauty only coming one way -- forget it!

This makes me laugh. That it's in porn where there seems to be more of a kind of "body equality" -- if only in that no one is free from porn exploitation! They'll feature rhino's in pink teddies if they thought it would turn a buck.

Underage girls are kind of limited ot the grocery store rack or the bookstore and they aren't going to see more than the usual there. They will see the usual bunch of images they see everywhere else in mainstream media. They reject "too old" and "too fat" and "too this" and "too that" and want one definitive answer to something that has none or many depending on how you look at it: What is beautiful?

Ay, ay, ay. Frustrating!

Is Sassy truly dead? Gimme chickclick!

[...]

More karma.

I was also thinking about my bisexuality and wanting to write to myself about it, and I got a note from a casual friend who is having her awakening moment and wondering what she ought to do now? Think about dating women? Stick to men because that is "easier?" What's up with coming out and what sort of backlash can she expect? Was I openly bi before/after marriage?

Wrote her a long letter and if I get the off-line entry nicely done I'll put it online.

Karma, karma.

[...]

Please don't tell me that there will be any karma in Paul walking up to me the other night telling me he wants to put babies in my womb and just sort of keep them there and not have them come out -- just stay there so we can look at it once in a while. Like sea monkeys.

[...]

I just feel like yelling or something.

[...]

Why can't my iguanas poop in their litterbox? I know she is gravid and can't help it and he's following her around beign a sex freak, but yahhhh! Poop all over! Get this egg-laying over with Lucy!

[...]

My car needs a bath.

[...]

If Paul were awake he'd laugh at me and say something like, "Well, babe, you've just got issues today, don't you!?"

Boy, do I!

Wake up, you rat bastard! Come to Chili's with me! Let's eat crap and order drinks and actually talk to each other. Shit, even Dennyz. Just anywhere where I have to sit across from you and look into your face and talk to you.

I miss you. I know you are tired, I know work is busy, but dammit, if I don't get any attention I am going to go bizarre!

~Astrophe