January 10, 2000 --- 10:41 AM EST

So what's up with my life? Other than my internet connection being wonky again? Family things. Nephew turned 19 this weekend, my sister turns 21 today. Birthday parties. Played with my baby niece again at nephew's brunch birthday party thingie Sunday, and she was a lot of work and a lot of fun and she'd grab me by the finger and drag me to the kitchen to hold her up and peer out the window at the dog.

"Dog!" She'd announce.

"Yes, that is a dog."

"Dog!"

"Very good. Dog."

"Daisy!"

"No, not Daisy. Bo. That dog is Bo." Daisy is her own dog, Bo is my SIL's dog. "Can you say Bo?"

"Daisy!" she insisted. I think she thinks all basset hounds are Daisy's.

"Bo. Daisy is home. Bo."

"Dog?" She asks.

"Yes, dog. But not Daisy dog, Bo dog."

"Fffffff!"she decided.

"Very good, woof."

"Ffffffff!" she told the dog.

"Woof, woof!" he replied. So they were there barking at each other for a while and this pleased her immensely.

It got hot so her parents let her shed shoes and clothing till she was running about in her diaper holding an icepack.

"Cold!" she'd clutch the icepack and rub it on herself and squeal in delight. "Cold!"

She was running around putting the icepack on people's toes and everyone played along. "Oh! It's soooo cold!" and they'd squirm. She'd laugh. Then she'd run off to put it somebody else's feet. Eventually she sat down and started rubbing the icepack on her own feet and looked surprised when everyone busted out laughing at her. Silly girl.

It's very easy to fall in love with babies and want them in your own life. When I play with Amanda I get to visit a side of myself I don't see often since I don't have children myself. I think it's instinctual, and I do these things and then when I realize I am doing them I ask myself: how I just know to do that?

I was following her around to give Donna a break and I startled myself when I realized I was putting my hand over corners of the furniture so she wouldn't bang herself in there and doing other things without thinking it. Scanning the floors for little things she'd try to eat. Things she'd trip on. Things that could fall on her. It's like babymode clicked on in my head.

My mother told me once when I was home from college out of the blue that I'd make an excellent mother and I stared at her like she was nuts.

"What do you mean?" I said.

"You have the patience and you have the sensitivity and you can see things through children's eyes. You know what to do."

"Do you think Karen is too?"

"Not the same. Karen is different. She will make a good mother but I think with you it's more instinctive. Karen will have to learn more, you will just know."

"Why on earth are you telling me this?"

"I have no idea!" and Mom walked off leaving me puzzled.

I was watching Paul play with Amanda and while I think he will make a great father, sometimes she loves him and sometimes he frightens her. Part of it is the beard, he's the only bearded man in the family. The other part is the long hair. The other part is that Paul doesn't know sometimes what is too much for a baby. She likes to be surprised, but she doesn't like to be startled. So when he sneaks up on her and he does it right she loves it and runs off squealing inviting a game of chase. If he sneaks up on her and does it wrong, she gets pouty and might cry.

When she was first born, he held her like he was a deer caught in the headlights.

"Someone take her away! I am going to drop her on the floor!" he whispered in a panic.

"If you drop my baby, Donna will kill you!" Greg, Paul's brother, threatened.

"Your baby!? She's mine too! And please don't drop our baby, I am too tired to get up to kill you. " Donna, from the hospital bed.

"Don't be silly Paul. You aren't going to drop the baby," his mother chided.

He didn't drop her but he held her awkwardly and stood very still looking at her until I took her away. Later he confessed, "I love kids. But I don't feel happy with them until they get interesting and start walking round and talking. I feel better then because I don't feel like I am going to break them. Newborns make me nervous because they are so dainty and fragile and delicate. And they are not very interesting aside form the novelty of them being around. They scream, cry, sleep, and poop and that is about it. I like them more when they start to have personalities."

My mother whispered to me once after watching Paul with Amanda and after watching him play with his own things. "Paul is going to make a good father, especially for a little boy. I hope you have a little boy."

After biking on Saturday I was laying on the futon reading and Paul walks up, lifts up my shirt, bends over and gives me a raspberry on the stomach.

"Make me pregnant one day maybe." I told him, not really knwoing why I said that.

"H'okay." he grinned. "Then I'll draw obscene happy faces on your fat belly in magic marker maybe."

Maybe babies. Oy.

Relationship Stuff

We biked Saturday for about 6 miles -- another casual ride. We had wanted to go for longer but Paul popped an innertube and then we had to rack up the bike and drive it to the bikeshop and get it taken care of. By the time we got back the sun was going away.

We did bike a little at least and during it we had a lot of talks and we played on the abandoned playground way out by the apartments that will eventually be removed. After that we went to do errands and we had some more great conversation in the car about life, the universe and everything.

Music. Love. Marriage. What to eat for dinner. If Mr. and Mrs. Hicks next door could hear us making out in the laundry room when we put the bikes up in the garage. What 'faith' is and what is wrong with how some people try to teach faith -- in religious context, in social context, in personal context. How come Target is so much nicer than Wal-mart. What is wrong with TV commercials. More about kids. Why Nick Cave uses a lot of Milton for inspiration and why Paul's own music seems to be having trouble lyrically. Musicians that are mathematically oriented like Bach vs musicians that don't have a lot of musicianship technically but a lot of soul lyrically and emotionally. Why Hello Kitty is so cool to me. How come I haven't done any photography in more than a year and if I want to set up the darkroom in the garage? How strange it is that Justin, who is now 19, is the way he is and why Paul, at 19, was how he is because by the time Paul was 19 he and I were living together. What makes anyone be the way they are. What going on with my journal writing on and off-line.

All interrupted with this mouse escapee coming out from under the seats and us frantically trying to catch him before he'd hide again. He'd escaped in my car and we eventually got him, but all night he was making us very annoyed. We have to complain to the pet store about those containers they put the mice in. This is the second time we got food for the snake and the mice busted out.

"I love that you are so many things to me. Friend, lover, wife, confidante -- so many things. Sometimes all in the same day," he mused.

I told him about this guy I'd been fantasizing about lately, from high school, who kept trying to kiss me in the library and who was trying so hard to get together with me then.

"I can see why you say he was your Liz!"

For me it was Willy, for Paul it was Liz. Those people in your life you never get to find out about.

One of my ex's got in touch with me last week to tell me he wants to be friends again. This is odd, so I wrote him that I want to be friends but I don't know if he's grown-up enough to sustain a friendship and that makes me feel stand-offish towards him.

Shawn writes:

"Ok. I'm not sure what to make of this e-mail, but after our conversation the other night [phone] I was feeling really good about us and our newly blossoming friendship. Sure, it might be a lttle hard to relive some of the nastier moments, but since we have a little distance and some perspective, it shouldn't be too bad. I really want this to work because I miss you and I miss having that friendship we had. I'm willing to go the distance on this. Talk to you soon."

So he's trying to convince me that, yes, he's grown up now. He thinks he can handle being freinds.

He's not like Joe, who really is fine being friends and deals well with the feelings that are still there. It's not comfortable, but he deals well. I have many feelings for Joe. I think that if we had met in our 30's or 40's we could have really worked out. It just so happens we met when we were each 19, and that just wasn't going to connect on all counts. We can talk abotu these things and be friends and not have it get all strange. Frustrating, yes. Strange no.

Shawn is just strange sometimes.

When we wre breaking up romantically, Joe was still there as my friend. He could commisserate that breaking up felt sucky and that he didn't know what to do. Confess that the idea of dating again was overwhelming. Say he missed me and loved me still and that it hurt, but he knew time would bring back down to a level where he could enjoy loving withotu it hurting. So yes, it sucked, but didn't suck quite so bad because he was right there with me, feelgin the same things, able to talk it out and thus make it less painful. We all know breaking up sucks, but why does it automatically have to be ugly? Joe agreed -- it doens't have to be ugly. So for us it wasn't.

Relationships are abotu connecting.

Shit, I didn't even really connect with Paul, the one I married, on all counts across the baord til I was what? 21? 22? And he and I had been dating sorta on and off since I was 18! We were even living together and we weren't totally conencting all the time. You have to grow into a relationship! Let it have time to develop. For it to develop and blossom and grow it needs time, and it takes patience and it takes a willingness to (More on my theories of love later .)

Shawn doesn't deal well with his feelings, and so we've been rather estranged for many years. I simpkly couldn't talk to him like I wanted, I could connect even thoguh i wanted to. He was afraid and rebuffed my efforts to know him, and he didn't want to knwo me. I think he was jsut too young. And this made him be strange in our relationship. React all.... bizarre sometimes. This frustrated me!

I talked to Paul about all this and more over the years and now that Shawn is "back" wanting to try being friends again he told me to do whatever I want.

Paul, the ever reliable and utterly secure. Heh.

"Ok, so it's great you are ok with all of this and it is one of the reasons I like you so much, Paul. Nothing fazes you. But that's not Shawn. Part of me does want to try to be friends with him, because we have a common history. Wouldn't want to try to be friends with him if we had broken up over something that cannot be repaired or forgiven like him beating me or something. No way! But it wasn't like that. I wanted more. He was terrified of emotional intimacy. So we drifted apart. That's about it. The break-up itself got ugly, but the people involved? Nothing overly horrid about them, just....not connecting. I'm curious to know if he's grown up any. If he has, and he can really be friends as ex's, that would be great. I've missed him as my friend."

"So try to be friends," Paul said. "What's the big deal?"

"Argh! But this is Shawn. How do I know he's still not an emotional wimp? He also just manages to rub me the wrong way sometimes and makes me impatient. I don't know if it is worth it to go there. You were there the first time around. It was long, drawn out, annoying, exhausting. Do I really want to risk going through so much bullshit again? What am I going to get at the end of it? I'd love for him to be a true friend and have grown up enough over the years to be one, but how do I know he has grown up and really can be one liek I would need him to be?"

"You won't know til you find out."

"You mean I won't leave you alone or in peace about it all til I find out!" I teased.

"Well, this is true..." Paul grinned.

Ok, so I am trying to sort these interpersonal relationship issues. Trying to figure out what to do. Shawn agreed to give it his best and to try to be open and try to understand. Ok, I'll try to. That seeems fair.

But wanting to try and sitting down staring at blank paper trying to compose a letter to actually do it? Ha!

There is so much to say to an ex that you never know really where to begin. With Joe it was awkward, but Joe made it easy to stay being his friend because he's got a lot of integrity and character. He even went so far as to contact Paul without my knowing and tell him to care for me. Neither Paul nor Joe revealed this to me until years afterward. And Joe never writes, he just calls me up without any weirdness at all. I like that. He doens't call often, but he just calls up. He never stopped being a friend. He's tenacious.

"Why would I bother telling you, Cat?" Joe explained. "I wanted you happy. If not with me with Paul. It is futile to feel any animosity towards Paul. He cares for you a lot. That makes me satisfied. What else can I ask? And why wouldn't I just call you up? Why wouldn't I want to stay freinds with you enve if the romantic stuff fizzled out? Make sense, woman!"

Joe is very good at being grown-up with his emotions. Shawn is not.

He has yet to just call me because the idea that Paul will pick of the phone first bugs him. If we speak on the phone it's because I call him. He e-mails me and he tells me to call him. And he refuses to e-mail me any details, because he's paranoid that "those computer guys might secretly be reading his stuff."

Yet he is trying to convince me he has changed and grown up. Whyn he can't just pick up the silly phone and call then?! Or just e-mail me whatever it is outright? Or send a damn letter? Is it any wonder I doubt this man is truly capable of having a grown-up relationship yet? I'd love to find out my doubts are unfounded, but somehow I doubt that!

I used to try before, but I've grown long leery and weary and I simply don't want to feel like any of my efforts to be decent and to be a friend are in vain. I must be a glutton for punishment or something. Why do I need this kind of drama?!

I used to ask myself that a lot, and I realized eventually that it was more important to me to be true to myself and do what I felt was right and decent. I can't just ignore ex's. How can you pretend someone in your life you once loved means nothing to you now or that it never happened? You can't. Otherwise it is a total affront to the relationship you had had once. Disrespectful. Indecent. Nobody expects you to be best of freinds, but at least civil, dammit!

Which meant just being there, not overly intrusive or anything, but letting Shawn know I never disappeared anywhere. Maybe a birthday call on year. A postcard to tell him I moved and what my new address was.

"Cat, I want to try to be friends. I need you in my life as my friend." he tells me now.

"I never stopped being your friend.Took you damn long enough to realize that and even damn longer to do anything about it. Know what? You suck."

"Yeah, well. I want to try being a friend back now. Do you have to still be so damn blunt?!"

"Yup. That's how I am."

"Ok, ok. I'll try to deal with it."

"Ok, I'll try not to rub things in. Much."

"Gee, thanks!"

"Most welcome!" We laughed.

Good that we can laugh about it at last, but still... Impasse. Now what? Oy. Ex's!

Bike Stuff

While at the bike shop, as Paul talked to the manager and got his bike seen to, I was picking up fliers and things for races. I've already been to the Florida Bicycle Association webpage and I think we will join soon, but it was nice to get their stuff in print. Unfortunately the one race I am really interested in right now? Deadline for pledges is in 2 weeks, and Paul and I cannot raise $1000 in pledges in two weeks. That's insane. The actual race is in March, also too soon. Why couldn't the Breast Cancer Ride for Life been later on this year to give me more time to train? Dammit. Disappointment. Would have been the perfect race to ride as my first.

Fat Tire is this coming weekend. Hahahahahaha. We certainly aren't going to be ready ride like that! Neither with I-Did-A-Ride. That's too tough and too intense for us right now as newbies.

The only one that looked kind of promising was the Horrible Hundred because it's for varying skills and features course options of 31, 71, and 102 miles. Again, not a race but a challenge. This is good. I can't race anyone right now! Too bad it happened in November! Grrr!

So we have to bike on our own for now til I catch wind of a bike challenge that will work out. I have to call the FBA and tell them to send me lists of what local bike things happen when. It's very disappointing to hear about them only after they happened or just as they are happening and there is no time to register, much less train. My friend Nancy bikes in Jacksonville, so I have bene trying to get a hold of her. My acquaintance Chris also bikes here in O-town, so I am trying to figure out how to get in touch with him now that we are out of school. They'd have a better idea of waht biking in FL is about.

Paul said he'd be willing to ride in groups but to pick one further down the year so we can have more time to work up to it since he gets home late and can really only devote riding time on weekends. But I don't see why he can't just come to gym with me at night after work and ride at gym. No, it's not much fun to ride bikes at the gym, but it's practice, dammit. And nothing is stopping from him from going to bed early and getting up at 6 AM to ride with me on the "real bikes" in the morning before it is time to get to work!

"I don't see why we can't ride 30 miles! I mean. Come on. We put away 10 miles quite easily without trying too hard. How bad can 30 be? Especially since we aren't racing?! Especially since 30 is not 50. Hell, 25 miles. Why can't we ride for 25 miles?!" Me pleading.

"We can, hon, but we haven't found any bike challenges yet that aren't right on top of us. We need to find one later in the year to have the time to get ready. If we wanted to do something now, we have to go on our own." Him being logical.

"Let's go alone then!" I dance around him.

"Hrm... we could rent a cabin out in Blankety Blankety park -- you know, where Debbie (his ex-gf) and I took the dune buggies. I think the trails there would be good for bikes and we could spend a weekend out there testing ourselves out to see what we can do and what out range is right now...that's not too far away." he muses.

"YEAH! Next weekend?!" Me hopping around hopeful.

"NO, not next weekend. We will have to figure it out, get a pet sitter, buy more gear. Too much to do for next weekend. Soon, I swear! Just keep your pants on!" He laughed.

Ok, I can pretend to try to be patient, but I dowanna! I want to go, go, go! And Paul is very absent-minded. It's not that he doesn't want to go, he just gets distracted with other things and then forgets!

I suppose this is where I start to make a pest of myself and beg and plead to go somewhere, anywhere. Alone or in groups. But please, more distance, more challenge. Gimme more!

Now!

I feel like calling up to see how much it is to rent a cabin. Having them mail me information and taping that up all over. Xeroxing trails out of the trail book and pasting copies on the toilet, the fridge, the dresser, his car, and leaving it in his shoes, clothing, on his bike, under his dinner. Pest, pest, pest.

So where's the tape?

~Astrophe