Trillian's Lighter Side

My Psych Humor

"I've found out why people laugh.
They laugh because it hurts so much . . .
because it's the only thing that'll make it stop hurting."
~ Robert A. Heinlein ~
STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND

Stress Management

Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
There now, feeling better?

What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?

If you say to a psychiatrist: "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?"

while a psychologist will say: "Thank you for sharing that with us."

How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?

The patients get better and leave.

How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?

The staff have the keys!

"I'm only paranoid because everyone is out to get me."

A Freudian Mother-In-Law joke:

"My mother-in-law is so ugly, I wanted to kill my father and sleep with my sister."

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other!

Q. Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?

A. To prepare them for the bill.

What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together?

In the morning each of them says: "120 dollars, please."

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Have you heard about the psychiatrist who claims that 2 out of every 1 of his patients has a split personality?

Hypochondria is the only illness that I don't have.

I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M&M's one by one with a glass of water.

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

How many Manic Depressives does it take to screw a light bulb ?

Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to keep the first one from sticking his finger in the live socket.

How many paranoids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hey! are you following me?!!?

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

-Just one, but the light has to really want to change.

-Just one. And his mother.

-Just one, but it takes nine visits.

-None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.

-"How many do you think it takes?"

-"How long have you been having this fantasy?"

How many psychology professors does it take to change a light bulb?

One with two graduate students, but they get three papers out of it.

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