Life with bipolar disorder: An online diary Part 8

Making a comeback is one of the most difficult things
to do with dignity.
~ Greg Lake ~

11.16.99

What can I say? I missed this place. There's a lot going on right now and I have much to say. First of all, let me start by saying that the reason I stopped updating this page wasn't because I was depressed, it was because I didn't feel safe here (at my old website) anymore. I wanted to write stuff, but found out I couldn't. This was a new thing and mainly as a result of my shrink's access to this page. This should be resolved in the near future.

As for my life now, first of all I have started to work with my Professor and this is, by far, the best thing that has happened to me this year. I'm learning a LOT ! It's a lot of work and I'm not getting paid so far, but this is what I want to do and I am happy and proud. In a few weeks, I will start another project with him (with money this time) and I'm looking forward to it. I am also combining my research seminar with this work and so far things are looking good.

As for the karate, I have a new place to practice and a new instructor which I respect and learn a lot from. I have been having some problems with getting to practice because of my school work, but once I finish this semester I won't be missing so many practices. I also started my practical and so far things aren't all that good. Not because of me though. It seems that the staff at the hospital are having problems with my diagnosis.

They are worried and I don't think that they are able to look past my illness. Today was a virtual nightmare for me. I scheduled an appointment with the doctor who was supposed to give me my patient - and since he knew me from before, he figured out I came in for a session or something like that and I was unprepared for that. Guess I was a bit naive. Anyway, he ended up talking about my meds (or lack of....) and this wasn't why I was there. I was a bit upset.... so it came up at the guidance group and we ended up talking about me for most of it with people raising questions about my competency to continue this practical.

None of the things they asked was new. I've already asked these questions myself a long time ago and before deciding to do the practical after all. I felt I'm up to it and I am. I was worried about the staff's reaction and so far I was right. I really hope they can handle this and look at me as a student and not as a patient because, if they can't, this is going to be very difficult for both sides. As far as I'm concerned, this was today and this is where this b.s. ends and I will block any further attempts to go there unless I feel there is a problem. And, so far, I don't. God, I felt so uncomfortable today. I didn't show it though. I was my own humorous self I think and was really open and forthcoming even though I really wanted this session to end and felt like getting up and leaving. But this is not going to break me ! Their problems are their's, they'll have to adjust because I'm doing this whether they think I can or can't. I know myself and my limitations. This aint one of them, and for me, this is what counts !

Trill

They were never young and will never be old.
They have no beauty, no charm, no style.
They don't have to please anybody.
They are safe.
They are civil without ever quite being polite,
and intelligent and knowledgeable without any real
interest in anything.
They are what human beings turn into when they trade
life for existence and ambition for security.'
~ Gladstone, William Ewart - From The Little Sister ~

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