10.13.00

I just got a couple of weeks off for a holiday vacation. I really needed some time off. It's been pretty hard at work. I had to face some things that really got to me. Two of the kids in my group managed to cut themselves on my shift and I guess I took it pretty hard. It's not that it was life-threatening, but I was pretty worried. It also got me into some kind of emotional turmoil. I was reliving my own suicide attempts and self injury behaviors. I couldn't stop myself from remembering.

You see, I've been well for quite some time now and I've been trying to sort of block out those memories. I guess trying something like that and working with kids who have behavior problems , doesn't go well together. I couldn't stop thinking about my own past. I was re-reading my old books: The Myth of Sisyphus, Darkness Visible, Unquiet Mind and also the new Night Falls Fast for the second time. Cracked open records I haven't listened to in a very long time - "Suicidal Tendencies," for one. Took me about a week to get a grip on myself.

Other job things are beginning to take shape. I've spent the last week building lessons and making up tests. For some reason, I can't find the same enthusiasm I had before. Maybe I'm just tired of re-reading stuff I already know. I need to learn new stuff to keep my interest up.

Also my lack of a personal life is starting to get me. After 3 years of being alone, I guess it's about time. I suppose it's because I've been working really hard the last few years to make something of myself and I got there - professionally speaking. I have my B.A and 91 grade point average. I have a job in my field and also an academic job as a teaching assistant, even though I haven't even started my M.A. Now, when I have my professional life in order, I suddenly wake up to find out that, well, it's all I've got. When the first thing that pops into your head when you hear the word Sex, is gender, it means you're in trouble.

I'm spending almost all my free time in my room near the computer. I went out maybe 3 times in the last year. I have friends, but none that live near by. They all moved and I'm still stuck here. The fact that I suddenly have some free time, doesn't help. Too much time to myself - way too much time for thinking.

My shrink asked me about my social life. I couldn't answer. Didn't want too.

I like my shrink. For once, I actually feel really good about a therapist. It might even work. No! It will work. It took me a long time to find my match. It's just going to take some time to learn to trust him. Haven't gotten there just yet. He's pretty unorthodox. It takes a little getting used you. I like "unorthodox" :)

I also talked with my old shrink. He had no intention of calling the place I work, so I was worried for nothing. He was pretty upset with me for even thinking about it and I got a lecture about my mistrust of shrinks, psychologists. He was right. It's just that I'm afraid I'll get hurt again. Once was more than enough me. I will not let anyone break me again. I will not find myself totally dependent on someone until I can't decide what shoe to wear, on what leg, without consulting him first and asking his permission to do so while I'm at it !!!

Trillian

"Do not rely completely on any other human being, however
dear. We meet all of life's greatest tests alone."
~ Agnes McPhail ~

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