Life with bipolar disorder: An online diary Part 11

6.1.00

I guess this update is overdue. Sorry. The funny thing about dairies is that you only write when you you feel the need to - which means that you only write when things are bad. When things are going fine, you don't really need the dairy.

Really, who wants to write lines like "everything is ok", "everything is still ok", "nothing new here" in a dairy ?

The truth is everything is alright. I have 4 more days 'til I finish my B.A. Been working like a mad woman (sorry I had to use it ;) to catch up on everything I missed during my "not so ok period." It's almost done.

As much as I'm happy to see this chapter end, there is a part of me that is pretty scared. Never in my life have I been out of some sort of system. From school to the army and back to school again. I need a 4 corner framework or else I get totally lost. I can't be caught hanging in mid-air. When this happens, I totally loose it. With all the turmoil that sometimes goes on inside of me, I really need something constant to hold on to. That something that says - "you have to get up today cause you have to study" or "you can't loose it now - too much at stake." I need to know what I'm waking up too.

A lot of things changed this year. I'm no longer sure what I want to do with my life. Is it computers or applied behavior analysis? Am I any good at these things? Am I a people-person or a computer one? I can't give out an answer. Probably cause it's yes to all and this isn't getting me anywhere.

Everything was so organized 'til this year. Working in the field, I found out a few things. I don't want to work in schools taming kids. I want to be able to work with people like me. I also know that I'm much better at helping online than in real life. Until I get an answer to these questions, there's not much I can do as far as planning my life (or at least the next year.)

Anyway... I have a lot to think about.

Trill

Not all those who wander are lost
~ J.R.R. Tolkien ~

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