 |
"I doubt sometimes whether a
quiet & unagitated life
would have suited me- yet I
sometimes long for it."
Byron 1788-1824 |
Life with bipolar
disorder:
An online diary
This is the beginning on my diary. The latest entry
is here. I don't
update my journal much anymore because I think after reading three years'
worth of entries, you will have an excellent idea of what living with
bipolar disorder is like.
7.2.98
Okay, this is a new page and also a new experience for me. I
toughed about it for a long time now, whether to write this one or not and came
up with the answer yesterday. This page is already personal. I want it to be
that way; and, well, I've already gotten to "second base" with you
people, so why not "go all the way"?
I hope it would make sense to you. For me, most of the time, it doesn't. I'm
not much of a writer you know. On tests and papers, I can't seem to put two
words together, let alone a whole sentence. Some of it is because I'm
disgraphic (if you don't know what that means - look it up).
Writing is quite a torture for me and some of it is probably
due to the fact that when I write stuff, I know the ones who are going to read
it and I become self-conscious about it.
IT HAS TO BE PERFECT !
A computer is different in that sense. It's not personal and
when I'm writing this now, I do it for an anonymous crowd. I can't see or
imagine the faces and can't really guess what you are thinking now. Well, maybe
I can. How about: "Where is all the bipolar stuff" ?
Plus, I'm almost sure no one is ever going to read this. I mean
you have to actually go to my web page and all...
Moving onto the important stuff
Now that I'm finished with my rumbling, we can start:
I was diagnosed as bipolar about 6-months ago, not a long time
ago. Another diagnosis that was made when I was in the army was
"borderline personality disorder." Now I know that was incorrect.
Let me give you some background on myself so you can better
understand:
I'm 22, born and living in Israel. I have been a "problem
kid" well, maybe not always, but definitely from the 2nd-7th grades. I
was, and wanted to be different. Guess I got my wish...
I used to have a huge conduct disorder. I made it my life's
quest to make teachers, parents and all other grownups' lives miserable. And I
was REALLY good at it (BTW - still am). I was a tomboy. I did contact karate,
played soccer with the boys during lunch breaks, and if you had asked me then
what I'd like to be when I grow up, the answer would have been "a
man".
I hated school and almost never showed up. When I did, it
wasn't for long. The sentence "Hello kids, Trilllian OUT !" was
something I used to hear a lot. But, I was one of those kids who "had
potential". Don't you just hate that word "potential"? What the
hell does that mean? I believe that what you do, is who you are, and NOT what
you should be able to do, or could have done, if you wanted to.
I was talkative and I was always considered a bright kid.
That's why I wasn't sent to a special school and was given the chance to mend
my ways. I took it. I got a grip on myself when I went to junior high. I
changed everything. I became a really good student, and in the 8th grade, I
started getting involved with all the extra-curricular activities; always busy,
always running somewhere. After a long and productive year on the student
council, I was sent to a leadership course.
The most notable thing about that is, it was the first time I
knew something was going very wrong. I had my first breakdown. I was 13. I
don't remember much about it. It's all really fuzzy but I was told I went
berserk. That was the first tip that things weren't going right. Unfortunately,
it wasn't the last.
High school wasn't really normal for me either. At times, I
worked like six people and didn't have time enough to breath. Other times, I
felt so bad I couldn't do anything and hoped everything would end. My first,
and hopefully last, suicide attempt was in the11th grade. I got into a rage and
tried to throw myself under a car.
top | continued
home |
bipolar disorder | my
diary | depression types |
medications
quotes, humor, poetry
|
