What's It Like Being Hospitalized
for Bipolar?
I have been hospitalized more times then I want to remember. Each
hospitalization is different. It varies because most of the time there are
different doctors and other staff members and very different approaches.
Each facility is different as well. Sometimes the programs change. I can
tell you that the best place I have ever been hospitalized is Johns Hopkins
Hospital in Baltimore, Maryland. It's located about 3 hours from my home.
They have an excellent medical team and approach. I have been a "guest"
there more times then I'd like to remember. Prior to going to Hopkins, I
have been in and out of my small local area hospitals on numerous occasions.
It wasn't until I went to Johns Hopkins that I started on my journey to some
stability.
In my experience, it's a strange occurrence to be on a locked psychiatric
ward. They tell you that the locked aspect of the ward is for safety
purposes. It's odd not to be able to come and go but when one is in a
critical state, I suppose it is safe to be "locked in." Each hospital has
its own set of rules and expectations of the patient. They are some what
similar in my experience. When you arrive you are evaluated by a nurse and
then the doctor. They ask a series of questions regarding your affect. At
Johns Hopkins they give you what's called a "mini mental" exam. It's a
series of questions designed to see how you function and what your memory
capacity is at the time. The psychiatrist will evaluate you and then give
you a physical examination. When I was at Johns Hopkins last July, the exam
with the doctors was about 90 minutes. They have a "team" approach at the
hospital.
The team is made up of an attending doc who is the primary on the case,
and an resident doc who does most of the work and sometimes a medical
student. They do rounds in the morning to assess how you are doing. The
rooms are comfortable and the baths are shared by two rooms. They have
private and semi-private rooms. Fortunately, I was able to get a private
room. I was glad of that. The daily routine consists of educational groups,
support groups, occupational therapy, relaxation therapy and gym. Not all
hospitals offer these programs. Twice a day you meet with your assigned
nurse to discuss how you're feeling. This gives the staff an opportunity to
write down your progress so that the team can review your status each day.
The majority of the nurses at Johns Hopkins were excellent and very
comforting. Meals are served three times a day. One is allowed to select
meals from a provided menu. The food was pretty decent and the selections
were adequate.
I usually end up in the hospital because I am suffering from very severe
depression or mixed states. I had an excellent and very skilled set of
doctors thankfully. After my assessment, the team put together a proposal
for me that I was not comfortable with however. They suggested ECT for me
which threw me completely. Because of the nature and duration of my
depression, they felt that ECT would help break the cycle. I had been in bed
for months on end with no hope in site and finally I developed a plan to
take my life. I was a wreck when I went into Johns Hopkins. After four days
of careful consideration, I decided to ask what plan "B" was. My doctors had
examined my lengthy records and decided that I had not had a long enough
trial of Lithium. Thus they decided to put my back on that drug. They felt I
needed two mood stabilizers and I was already taking Depakote. I went
through days getting my blood drawn to check my levels and suffered some
side effects to boot. However, I decided I wanted to give this a fair
chance. So I went through the daily routine each day in the hopes I would
start to feel better soon. Just a note about ECT. I did see some
improvements in some of the patients who were undergoing ECT. It just wasn't
for me at the time. (Update: I no longer take Depakote. I'm on Lamictal and
Lithium now).
The first and second days being hospitalized are the hardest. I cried and
cried after my husband had to leave. It was very difficult on me. I felt
totally isolated and all alone. My depression seemed to get a bit worse
because of these intense feelings. You feel like you're under a microscope
with all the docs and nurses watching you, not to mention the other
patients. Eventually, you make friends on a very deep level. It's easy to
relate to someone who shares a similar illness. At first you're very quiet
at the groups and don't want to talk or look at anyone. Then in due time you
warm up a bit. It becomes easier to look people in the eye instead of away.
It also becomes easier to speak if you choose to. The main thing to remember
is that your there to get stabilized. That should be your main goal. It
takes a lot of work to get there, however.
Each day I awoke around 7 AM and literally forced myself to shower at
least every other day. That was really hard because I was not showering
properly at home. I would try eat breakfast like a good camper even though I
didn't have much of an appetite. I went to most of the groups as it was
expected of me. I tried my best to do what was asked of me, but sometimes I
skipped going to the gym and relaxation group because I just wasn't up to
it. I would take naps on occasion even though they request that you stay out
of your room for the day. Occupational therapy allows you to work on arts
and crafts and other things. That group seemed the most enjoyable. They
requested that I do an extra task and cook a meal because I was not going to
the grocery store or cooking at home. They took me to the grocery store,
well actually we walked, and I purchased what was needed for me to cook
lunch. Making the lunch seemed rather foreign to me since I hadn't cooked
anything in such a long time. It took me a while to get going, but once I
did everything turned out fine. I worked the program as best as I could even
though it was tremendously difficult. When your so depressed you can't see
straight, it's really hard to participate. I fought my feelings to surrender
to my gloom on a daily basis.
While I was in the hospital, my mood was not stable. My doctors gave me a
scale to measure my moods on from 1-10, 1 being the lowest, 10 being the
highest. My moods would fluctuate several times a day. I was never hypo
manic, however. For example, my mood would climb in very small increments
usually between a 1 and 3. I was very hopeful when my mood would get to a 3
thinking the drugs were working. Then I get slammed back down again. It was
very upsetting to say the least. I was in tears a lot of the time. The whole
experience was very difficult. I also suffered agitated depression which is
very uncomfortable.
Being hospitalized is not glamorous. They expect a lot out of you in an
attempt to help you I suppose. You are exposed to all walks of people with
varying degrees of illnesses. You are expected to follow the schedule, eat,
and participate even if you don't feel like it. On Meyer 4 where I was,
there are two groups of illnesses which are affective disorders and eating
disorders. The unit has 22 beds and it's very difficult to get on this unit.
They always have a waiting list. I had to wait a day or two before they
would take me. This was really hard on my family because of the degree of my
suicidal state. They watched over me very carefully until I was able to be
admitted. Once there, I felt extremely sad, especially when my husband had
to leave. He was facing a 3 hour drive home. He visited me during visiting
hours as much as possible. The staff was very nice and allowed him to come a
bit early and stay a bit late sometimes as long as it didn't interfere with
the groups. They do this for people who live far away.
Gradually after almost a month, they discharged me. The lithium was not
an instant success. My doctors explained that it could take several months
for the lithium to reach optimum benefits. When I left the hospital, I was
still depressed however it wasn't as seriously pronounced and my death wish
had gone. I look back on this experience and am thankful for the excellent
and knowledgeable doctors that I had. The staff treated me very well for the
most part. I fired my old psychiatrist and went with another Hopkins trained
doctor. He's excellent and has written four books to boot. I feel very
fortunate to have him. Today, I'm doing much better and I feel the Lithium
and other drugs I'm taking are starting to improve my state. It was very
hard to be hospitalized for that long of a period of time, but I managed and
got through it!
If you wish, you can click the links below to see what patient hand-outs
and things they give you when you arrive. It will give you good insight as
to what it's like to be in the hospital. Thank you.
about juliet ~
what hypomania, mania, mixed state feels like
being hospitalized ~
husband on juliet's
illness
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