About Me (Juliet)
My Life With Bipolar
The most important thing is to be whatever you are without shame."
~Rod Steiger~Actor
The aggravated agony of depression is terrifying,
and elation, its non-identical twin sister, is even more
terrifying - attractive as she may be for a moment.
You are grandiose beyond the reality of your creativity.
~Joshua Logan~American theatrical and film director and writer
In short, I am sharing my story to help others. I have opened myself up
in this forum and web site because people have written to me and requested I
relate more about my experiences and myself. Thanks for your interest! :-)
Some things here I have never told anyone, not even members of my own
family. This was a difficult decision to make, but I hope it will help
someone somehow.
I just turned 40, yes 40, in April of 2004. I'm still a very big kid at
heart however! Most people think my husband and I are still in our early
30's. Aren't we fooling them ;-) I am blessed with a wonderful marriage. My
marriage is strong because I have a very loving and supportive husband named
Greg. He's been through a lot with me and has tolerated many things that
most people would not have. I guess we value our long relationship, having
met each other in the summer of 1981. We have no children at this time, just
a dog that is spoiled rotten. I try to lead a simple life, nothing too fancy
at least. I grew up in a small coastal town on the Eastern Shore of
Maryland, located between the Chesapeake Bay and Atlantic Ocean.
I have suffered from Bipolar Disorder, also known as Manic Depression,
for years. I was not diagnosed until age 30, in 1994. In retrospect, I can
now put the pieces of the puzzle together. I can now look back and say "ahh",
that's what caused me to behave this way. I only wish it hadn't taken me so
long to get a proper diagnoses. Enduring countless years of searching for
what was wrong, I suffered a great deal. I understand that statistics state
that the average Bipolar suffers for perhaps 10 years before being properly
diagnosed and treated.
My depressions date back to early childhood. I can remember going to the
guidance counselor's office in 6th grade begging for someone to help me
because I felt so awfully sad. The feeling was just so overwhelming, I can't
tell you how horrible it was. I just wanted to disappear from the earth
altogether. Overwhelming sadness seems to have always been a part of my life
since very early childhood.
The first "manic" attack that I can truly recognize happened while I was
at boarding school. I was in 10th grade. I can remember being up and awake
for days and being extremely chatty, witty, charming, thinking life was just
beautiful. My mind was working overtime, and my studying was impeccable. I
was brilliant! The school was located in the Allegheny Mountains of
Pennsylvania so naturally I felt at one with the earth. We used to sneak out
at night and go on the hockey/soccer field and look at the stars. I knew my
soul was part of the universe! Everything glowed! My senses were totally
alive. I was on a cloud. I had never felt so good. I was one busy girl.
Then things got out of hand. I thought I was able to see energy in the
air of my dorm room. I'm not a new wave kinda girl if you will, not that
there's anything wrong with that! I tried to convince a few of my friends of
this, but they blew it off for the most part. I KNEW I could see this. It
was there, it was real, and I could touch it! I could see brilliant white
and electric blue balls of energy floating around my room. No one understood
(except for one friend who was into things like "energy" and such) so this
upset me and angered me to some degree. I snubbed some of my friends for a
few weeks over this. I didn't understand what was going on in my head, nor
did anyone else including the staff. I dressed oddly, spoke oddly, was
impulsive in class, and couldn't talk fast enough to keep up with my
thoughts. I participated in a big "NO NO" kitchen raid which was TOTALLY
against my "normal" character. After all, I was President of my class! How
could I have done something so mischievous? I think the staff chalked this
up to typical "adolescent" behavior. Back then not much was known about this
illness.
Then on one sunny afternoon while in history class my teacher was on my
case and I totally crashed. I ran from the room in tears and went to find my
health teacher whom I was close to. She comforted me and seemed to
understand that "something" was "wrong." I was crying hysterically! She
thought that perhaps my history teacher who was known for being a hard ass
had gotten to me. However, I was a total mess. I couldn't put words together
to explain what was going on in my head. She sent me to the infirmary where
I spent the night because the powers that be thought I was exhausted. The
next day I returned to my dorm, totally dark, depressed, and so very hurt. I
was aching with sorrow. What had happened? Where did that mountain high go?
It was gone...This was the eclipse of when my severe depressions started and
the cycling began.
about juliet ~
what hypomania, mania, mixed state feels like
being
hospitalized ~
husband on juliet's
illness
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