Dump the Stigma
and Focus on Recovery
by Andy "Electroboy" Behrman
continued from page 1
"Mom, Dad, I've been diagnosed as a manic depressive by a psychiatrist,"
I said. There was a long silence. It's as if I'd told them that I had two
months to live (interestingly, the same reaction that I had when my doctor
told me).
They had a million questions. Are you sure? Where did it come from?
What's going to happen to you? Although they didn't come out and say it,
they seemed concerned that I was going to "lose my mind." Oh, God. Their son
had a mental illness. Was I going to end up living with them for the rest of
their lives? And of course, they wanted to know if it was genetic. My
telling them that it was didn't exactly make for a pleasant conclusion to
the dinner. Not only were they now faced with the stigma that their son had
a mental illness, but the stigma that mental illness ran in the family.
With friends, it was easier to break the news of my mental illness.
They seemed to know more about manic depression and were supportive of my
getting well and staying on a medication regime. But all hell broke loose
when medication didn't manage my illness and I opted for the last resort -
electroshock therapy.
My friends had had a really mentally ill friend who had to be
hospitalized and "shocked" to maintain an even keel. This was too much for
some to handle and those people simply disappeared. Nobody seemed to want a
friend who was now officially a psychiatric patient and, after electroshock,
a certifiable zombie.
In fact, everybody seemed frightened of me, including my neighbours, my
landlord and shopkeepers who I had known for years. They all looked at me
"funny" and tried to avoid making eye contact with me. I, however, was
extremely up-front with them. I told them all about my illness and was able
to explain my symptoms to them as well as my treatment. "Have faith - one
day I'm going to be just fine," I seemed to cry out inside. "I'm still the
same Andy. I've just slipped a bit."
As no one knew much about my mental illness, a lot of people had the
attitude that I had the capability to "kick it" and get better instantly.
This was the most frustrating attitude for me. My manic depression was
ravaging my life, but because nobody could see it, many people thought it
was a figment of my imagination. Soon I started thinking this too. But when
the symptoms were out of control - the racing thoughts, the hallucinations
and the sleepless nights - the fact that I really was ill was reassuring.
The guilt I felt for having a mental illness was horrible. I prayed for a
broken bone that would heal in six weeks. But that never happened. I was
cursed with an illness that nobody could see and nobody knew much about.
Therefore, the assumption was that it was "all in my head," rendering me
crazy and leaving me feeling hopeless that I'd never be able to "kick it."
But soon, I decided to cope with my illness like it was a cancer eating
away at me and I fought back. I dealt with it like it was any old physical
illness. I dumped the stigma and focused on recovery. I followed a
medication regime, as well as my doctor's orders, and tried not to pay
attention to the ignorant opinions from others about my illness. I fought it
alone, one day at a time, and eventually, I won the battle.
Andy Behrman is the author of Electroboy: A Memoir of Mania, published
by Random House. He maintains the website
www.electroboy.com
and is a mental health advocate and spokesman for Bristol-Myers Squibb. The
film version of Electroboy is being produced by Tobey Maguire. Behrman is
currently working on a sequel to Electroboy.
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