Doomsayer

"The worst is going to happen if . . . . ." This type of destructive control behavior is used by the addict parent in order to shame, scare, or terrorize the child into compliance. The addict parent will predict some catastrophe and then use it to control the child. The addict parent might say something like, "If you do this, then ________ will happen. And it will really be terrible; something really bad will happen to you."

I remember spilling sugar when I was little. My mother turned to me full of terror and fury and said, "Now ants are going to come into the house!" The idea was to instill shame, terror, or fear into me in order to force (control) me into not making the same mistake twice. Doomsaying is also a form of coercion. That is to say controlling by use of fear, terror, and shame.

Unfortunately, the thought had not occurred to her that cleaning up the sugar would change that "catastrophic" outcome. Her perceptions and reactions to this "catastrophic" outcome were based on information that she received as a child. And left unexamined, she continues to react or overreact in response to these same kinds of events as an adult doomsayer, and with no forethought as to the possible changes that have occurred over time or alternate coping strategies for the situation.

Playing the Victim

Playing the Victim is an extremely effective technique used to control someone (especially children). The addict parent controls the child's behavior by becoming the so-called wounded victim. The child might say or do something that the addict parent becomes uncomfortable with. In reaction to the child's behavior, the addict parent responds by saying something like this:

• "How could you do that to your mother?"
• "Mommy thinks you don't love her anymore."
• "You don't care about me at all, do you."
• "You're hurting mommy. You're driving her crazy and no one will be able to take care of you then!"

This destructive control behavior uses false guilt to control the child. When the addict parent plays the victim, the child looks inward and thinks: "How could I do that to my parent . . . . . She (or He) looks so hurt and sounds so angry or depressed . . . . She's (or He's) talking and looking at me; therefore I must have caused her (or his) pain . . . . I'd better be good so I don't hurt her (or him) any more . . . . . she's (or he's) the only one I have to take care of me and the alternative of taking care of myself scares me to death, because that's impossible for myself as a child to do. I could die. I'm sure I'd die."

The goal of an addict who is addicted to their child is to "feel better" by controlling the child. As stated before, control is equated to compliance and compliance is equated to no frustration. No frustration or conflict is equated to security and security equates to happy addict. Unfortunately, Children of addict parents grow up full of false guilt or shame as a result of being trained by the addict parent's use of playing the victim. They (the children) automatically feel guilty, terrified, and anxious when they come in contact with anyone playing the victim.

Shaming and Abusive Language

Shaming and Abusive Language are destructive control behaviors that use shaming remarks, names, and labels to control the child. Shaming is not the same as false guilt. Shaming is judging with the intent to humiliate and discount the child's sense of self worth.

An addict parent may see or hear something that the child has done or said and begin to "feel bad." In response to their own feelings of bad-ness or shame, they'll try to project these internal feelings externally onto the child. The addict parent will do this by saying things in a victim-like way such as,

• "Why did you do that?."
• "What a stupid thing to do."
• "Why are you so stupid?"
• "I thought I raised you better than that."
• "You ought to know better."
• "You should of known better."
• "You're embarrassing me and pissing me off."
• "Stop that right now; everyone is looking; you're being naughty (or a bad) girl/ boy."

Shame is designed to lead the child into believing that they are somehow inadequate, strange, or not good enough. The addict "feels better" by expelling their internal feelings of shame or bad-ness and projecting that shame or bad-ness onto the child. In this way the child has been used like a drug in order for the addict to feel better or avoid "feeling bad."

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