Stop Analyzing

Stop analyzing means to relax. By trying to figure it out, whatever it is, I compulsively keep myself busy with activity in my head. I no longer claim serenity when I'm analyzing. Analyzing is a way for me to create chaos and maintain terror in my head. Chaos is a way for me to continue to terrorize myself.

Stop interpreting

Stop interpreting means to give up "stories." This is another activity that is designed to keep me busy in my head. By creating stories about something that has happened, or is happening, I create chaos in my head. The chaos is designed to maintain a level of terror for myself. Terror has become so normal, that to me, the lack of it feels terrorizing.

If I choose to interpret something that has happened, or is happening, I try to start with the phrase, "The story in my head is . . . . . ." Sometimes I have fun with this lesson by making up an outrageous story. Creating humor for myself is healthier than creating terror for myself.

Another way to stop interpreting is to check it out. When I need to stop creating chaos around a situation that I think is bothering me, I check it out. When I'm interpreting something that has happened and I need to know without guessing, as a way to acknowledge and affirm what I feel, I check it out. As an example, when I have an impression that someone is angry with me, I say, "Are you angry with me?" Without controlling or being controlled by the other person, I ask in a way to affirm and nurture what I feel or believe. Whatever the situation, I ask as a way to affirm, comfort, and nurture myself, "I feel like you are . . . . . . . ." "Are you . . . . . . . .?," to check it out.

Stop explaining

Stop explaining means:

- Stop over-explaining.

- Explaining when no explanation was asked for.

- Explaining as a response to hostile questions.

Over-explaining is saying the same thing over and over in different words as a way to create chaos and terror for myself. Over-explaining may be offering an entire dictionary when only a single definition was asked for. Over-explaining is a type of approval seeking; "Is what I say acceptable to you? I need your acceptance to feel safe so I'll continue to explain until I feel accepted and safe enough (acceptable to you)." When I start to feel anxious about what I'm saying as I'm explaining myself, chances are that I'm over explaining without realizing it. This is the time to catch myself and nurture the anxiety.

Explaining when no explanation was asked for, is when I react to something someone has observed. I feel like I'm "on the spot" in response to someone else's observation. As example, someone might say to me, "It sounds like you have a cold." In reaction to this observation I might find myself explaining the entire history of colds and how I got mine. If I were to look back at what was said, I see that the observation was not a question. It was an observation. My reaction to this observation was as if the person had stated a question like, "How did you get your cold and tell me how to avoid one and while your at it, could you explain the history of colds to me." I practice responding to observations by nodding my head or saying, "Hum-m" and wait for an observation to become a question before answering.

Explaining as a response to a hostile question, means to answer a question that was asked as a way to shame and not to gather information. Examples of questions that are hostile (attacks) and are not being asked to gather information are:

• "Why did you do that!"
• "How come you always do that!"
• "How come you did that!"
• "How come you're always late!"
• "How come you didn't do this!"
• "You're just doing this to piss me off aren't you!"

What sounds like a question is not a question. The question is actually a hostile remark designed to attack and shame. One way to respond to an attack like this is for me to say, "I don't know." And I continue to say it until it is accepted, or I walk away (hang up, etc).

Stop looking for answers

Stop looking for answers means to accept that:

- Not knowing something is ok.

- Not knowing something does not mean I'm defective.

- I don't need to know everything as a way to compulsively meet someone else's needs or gain their approval.

Saying to myself, "I don't know anything and I don't need to know" is a free-ing experience. This takes the pressure off myself by reducing the chaos and terror of having to know everything. Having to have all the answers is a weighty responsibility. It's designed to create chaos and maintain a level of terror. By looking for answers I don't have, I terrorize myself for not knowing the answer.

Allowing other people to have a belief system separate from my own

Allowing other people to have a belief system separate from my own may also keep me out of chaos and terror. When my young son looks up in the sky, points at a group of clouds and says, "Look daddy . . . . its a dog!," I don't need to create chaos for myself by discounting his belief system. By saying to him, "No son . . . . . . its just clouds," I create chaos for myself and discount him at the same time. He believes the clouds to look like dogs. He has a right to experience clouds (his life) in his own way.

When my spouse says to me, "I think you are golfing too much," I don't need to create chaos for myself by discounting or minimizing her belief system. By saying something like, "Your crazy or No way," I create the opportunity for chaos and terror to occur for myself and discount or minimize her at the same time. She believes I'm golfing too much. The point is not whether I am, or am not golfing too much. The point is that she believes that I am. I may respect her beliefs without agreeing with them. I don't need to create chaos by trying to gain her approval, i.e. convincing her that my golfing is not too much and that it ought to be ok with her. I may respect her belief system without agreeing with it or creating chaos in a compulsive way for myself. I do this by saying, "I didn't know you felt like that," or "I'm sad you feel that way," and stop there. Acknowledging her belief system is all that I need do. I need not change it, change her, or change myself.

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