To Coach or Not to Coach
The Fine Line Between Helping and Hindering

continued

A little self-effacing humor on the part of the parent can go a long way towards helping to cultivate a more receptive mood in your child. Humor can also effectively set the stage for parent and child to reflect upon some of the coaching backfires in the past, and unearth what went wrong and why. For instance, in the "bad coaching" example, it provides the parent with the opportunity to suggest that in her zeal to help, she actually made the child feel controlled by her approach.

Another important step in "coaching cultivation" is to talk about every child's need for autonomy. Many children experience relief to hear parents say something like the following: "Being a kid who needs help every once in a while but also wants to be able to do without it, is not an easy position to be in. And sometimes when you need help the most, you want it the least! That's because a lot of kids reject help when they're feeling touchy about not knowing something as well as they think they should." These words convey a parent's empathic understanding of the Catch-22 that kids find themselves in.

Once a child acknowledges that this is true of them, parents might follow with a comment such as this one: "Maybe you could tell me a way that I could let you know that I've got some help to offer without you feeling like I'm trying to take control away from you?"

Such a comment diminishes the child's feelings of being controlled by placing them in the advice-giving role. Apart from the various factors that parents can weigh in considering their "coach approach," there is the option of not offering help. Sometimes this choice is made by default because circumstances require it, while other times it can be voluntarily determined by parent and child.

If a particular situation arises that lends itself to a child "going solo," parents can highlight that perhaps this time the child might want to handle things on their own from start to finish. For instance, in the case of a child who has always relied on the parent to format a study plan for upcoming tests, the parent might suggest that this time they do it alone and give themselves the directions that they have relied upon the parent to give them in the past. In fact, the expression, "Give Yourself The Directions," may be the only coaching advice the parent offers in those situations that lend themselves to such tests of autonomous functioning.

Much more can be said about supporting our children's needs for autonomy. As Kenny's mother put it, parents must walk that "real fine line" that tends to keep moving as the child's mood and surrounding circumstances shift it's position. Parents are advised to pay particular attention to the balance between coaching and supporting autonomy by not emphasizing one side to the exclusion of the other. Many factors will help you stay abreast of where the line is, especially an open communication channel between you and your child.

Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com

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