Becoming An Effective
Parent
Recently my sister and I were talking about our own parenting styles and
that of our parents. I vowed I would never 'guilt-trip' my own kids. She said,
"so I was very surprised to hear myself say to my oldest daughter, 'you
should be ashamed of yourself.' That's what our parents did with us to try to
control us."
Whether we like it or not, the methods and words of our parents affect our
own parenting, both positively and negatively. We can, all too easily, repeat
their mistakes or swing to the opposite extreme in a way that may be
detrimental to our children.
There are positives and negatives to this. The bad news is that these habits
may be deeply entrenched and hard to change. The good news is that, with
awareness, knowledge, skills and effort, we can change negative habits and
create patterns of parenting which facilitate the healthy growth and
development of our children. Awareness is the first step.
Please fill out the rating scale below to provide a
"preliminary awareness" of how your style compares to that of your
parents.
First, on the left side, rate on a 0-5 scale how prevalent
this was in your parents' style (0=none at all, 5=very prevalent). Then use the
right-hand column to rate your own parenting practices (using the same
scale).
Negative Parenting Habits
| .. |
Intimidation through yelling,
screaming, tirades, etc. |
.. |
| .. |
Intimidation through being violent
to other parent, pets, property, etc
|
.. |
| .. |
Violence toward you (pushing,
hitting, kicking, arm twisting, etc.) |
.. |
| .. |
Threats, e.g., of physical harm,
abandonment, suicide, confinement, etc.
|
.. |
| .. |
Emotional abuse like put-downs,
shaming, name-calling, or inconsistency
|
.. |
| .. |
Sexual abuse (incest,
exhibitionism, sexual touching, or inappropriate sexual talk, etc.) |
.. |
| .. |
Emotional violations (using
children as confidants or information sources) |
.. |
| .. |
Vague or non-existent rules and
inconsistent consequences |
.. |
| .. |
Economic abuse (withholding basic
needs, squandering family money) |
.. |
| .. |
Withholding child support |
.. |
| .. |
Using kids as a ``bargaining
chip'' in divorce |
.. |
| .. |
Isolation (controlling access to
peers, other parent, siblings, grandparents) |
.. |
| .. |
Treating children as servants |
.. |
| .. |
Absenteeism, or leaving kids alone
too much, or being too busy |
.. |
| .. |
Excessive control of actions,
thoughts, emotions, friends, dress, etc.
|
.. |
| .. |
Excessively permissive |
.. |
| .. |
Punishment that is too harsh or
severe |
.. |
| .. |
Threatening punishment by God, by
courts, police, detention, foster care
|
.. |
| .. |
Other
|
.. |
Positive Parenting Practices
| .. |
Talking and acting so that
children feel safe expressing themselves |
.. |
| .. |
Acknowledging the child's right to
his own thoughts, feelings, opinions
|
.. |
| .. |
Speaking to the child with
kindness and gentleness |
.. |
| .. |
Allowing the child space, privacy,
time alone |
.. |
| .. |
Being consistent and dependable
(do what you say, deliver on promises)
|
.. |
| .. |
Promoting and encouraging
independence |
.. |
| .. |
Believing what the child says
whenever possible |
.. |
| .. |
Modeling good self care (adequate
time, health, sleep, love, friendships) |
.. |
| .. |
Giving quality and quantity time
together with the child (be present)
|
.. |
| .. |
Expressing verbal and appropriate
physical affection to the child |
.. |
| .. |
Giving care and comfort when
children are hurt (emotionally or physically) |
.. |
| .. |
Giving unconditional love (not
linked to performance) |
.. |
| .. |
Allowing children to make mistakes
and learn by them |
.. |
| .. |
Encouraging kids to develop and
follow their interests |
.. |
| .. |
Participating in children's lives
(sports, school, celebrations, activities) |
.. |
| .. |
Being clear about limits,
expectations, and consequences |
.. |
| .. |
Being consistent with follow
through |
.. |
| .. |
Providing adequate food, shelter,
clothing |
.. |
| .. |
Teaching and practicing nutrition
and personal hygiene |
.. |
| .. |
Providing for and monitoring
safety |
.. |
| .. |
Providing a secure family routine
|
.. |
| .. |
Other
|
.. |
You can probably think of many others in each category. Add
them in if you wish.
Please take a few minutes to write down what you learned and
some items for action. Congratulations! You have increased your awareness of
your own effect on your children, and renewed your efforts toward positive
parenting. I encourage you to talk this exercise over with a trusted friend or
counselor.
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