Identifying Anger Problems

by Dave Goetz, M.S.W.

Fair Fighting Rules

• Stay in the present. Don't dredge up things from the past or predict the future.
• Stick to one issue. Try to identify exactly what triggered your anger.
• Use "I feel" statements. Stay away from "you make me" statements.
• Avoid the words always and never.
• Avoid name-calling and degrading or profane names. Name-calling and profanity are often the fastest way to arouse another person' s anger.
• Take time to listen. Don't say, "I know what you are thinking or feeling."
• Don't interrupt--Wait your turn to speak. Only one person at a time should speak.
• Don't assign blame. Avoid "I'm right" or "you're wrong" statements.
• Focus on the real issue. Don't argue about minor or unrelated details.
• Clarify what you are hearing. Repeat back to the other person what you heard them say. Ask them if you are on track.
• Don't hit below the belt. Refrain from using intimate knowledge to attack or hurt the other person.
• Lower your voice. "A soft answer turns away wrath."
• Take a time-out when needed. If you sense an unsafe situation or your own anger seriously limits your ability to follow these rules, agree to come back and discuss the issues at an agreed upon time.

Both research and experience show that when people pay attention to and make positive changes in their self-talk, their anger is reduced and they gain control of themselves. When you feel yourself starting to get angry, take time out to get a grip on yourself mentally by the use of anger-down talk. Listed below are some examples. Memorize and rehearse particular "Anger-Down Talk" that is effective for you. Write down the "best" statements on a 3x5 card to carry with you. Anger is a result of thoughts. Take charge of your thoughts.

Examples:

• I feel angry--that means I must have been hurt or something.
• I'm getting angry. I better figure out what's underneath it.
• I can stay calm.
• I don't need to prove myself.
• I don't have to defend myself.
• I can face this.
• I'm the only person who can make me mad or keep me calm.
• It's time to relax.
• It's okay to be unsure.
• Nothing says I have to be competent and sure all the time.
• It's okay to feel threatened.
• I don't need to be in control of everything and everybody.
• If people criticize me--I can survive that.
• Nothing says I have to be perfect.
• If this person wants to go off the wall, that's their thing.
• This will seem stupid later.
• This isn't what it seems. It's just old feelings getting stirred up again.
• I will like myself better later if I walk away now.
• It's nice if others accept me, but I don't have to have it.
• People are going to act the way they want to act, not the way I want them to act.
• They don't have to believe me. We just disagree.
• I can choose to give in.
• I want a relationship more than I want to win this argument.
• All I want to do is speak my mind clearly and appropriately. That's it.
• I want to respect myself later.
• That's life. I don't have to let it get me so down.

Editor's Note: The material on anger was put together by Dave Goetz, M.S.W., and presented in an Anger Workshop my husband and I attended. I hope you will find this helpful in discovering how you respond during conflict, as well as giving insight into how those around you respond. If you have difficulty expressing or managing your anger, or if you are the recipient of someone else's anger that is out of control, please seek the help of a counselor.

back to top | next | table of contents

annie's corner | survivors-female | survivors-male | parents corner
partners-friends