continued:

Tuesday, May 11th, 1999

Okay, I don't know why it hasn't occurred to me to date these entries before, but they'll be dated from now on. I told one of my close guy friends about my rape, and he has been really great about it. It is always wonderful when a friend reacts well to your survivor story. I am so grateful to him for being supportive.

I really think that once people are allowed to see the human side of rape victims (it's like Katie Koesner said, "One-in-four: your mother, your sister, your girlfriend, your daughter" which one would you choose? Because no one is going to take your one-in-four. Statistics don't work like that"), they really make the connection that rape is a giant problem and that they need to be sensitive to the fact that they probably know a lot of people who have been raped.

The other thing that happened isn't as uplifting. I broke up with my boyfriend of one year. The first person who I told about my rape. The person who has been there for me through everything. Who had held me when I was crying, who was with me through the horrible two weeks of the HIV test, who taught me how to love again, and be sexual again and trust again. We broke up.

My world has not come crashing down, and this is, I think, part of becoming a survivor. He has been a huge support to me during my healing, but I have learned to stand on my own two feet. I'm not saying that this doesn't hurt, because it hurts very much. I loved him. I know that I will be okay. And where am I going with this? Here: we're strong. All of us. We're strong people. And bad things can happen to us, and we can be okay. I know that right now, you may be feeling like you are the weakest person in the world, but you are a survivor, and you are strong.

Wednesday, June 30th, 1999

I am at home right now. I came home from college three weeks ago. It's very hard to be back here. I have had two panic attacks since I got home and I absolutely hate panic attacks, so I'm really frustrated right now. I hate being at home because it makes me feel like I've made absolutely no progress in my healing. Here, I feel nervous all of the time, I have flashbacks more frequently and depression slowly creeps in and takes hold of my life. I find myself crying all the time for no reason and I have been sleeping an insane amount, which my mother is convinced is a thyroid problem (I had to have blood taken today so my doctor could test for this alleged thyroid disorder), but I am sure is just a symptom of the depression that is caused from being at home. It sucks because I love my family, but I hate my hometown and what it does to me.

Have I recommended Tension Tamer tea before? I probably have, but I'm just going to do it again. It totally sounds like some kind of voodoo cure, but I find that it really helps me calm down. And it's made by Celestial Seasonings, which is a company and not a cult, I promise. Anyway, back to what I was saying. I really do hate it here, and I know that once I go back to college, I'm going to have to make up for the ground that I will have lost while at home, but that's okay, because I know that I will be able to get back on track and continue healing. It just sucks right now.

Sunday, July 4th, 1999

Happy 4th of July, everyone. Last night, I started the Courage to Heal Workbook. I was pretty sure of two things: 1) that since the book is geared towards survivors of childhood sexual abuse, that it wouldn't apply to me and 2) that I would breeze through the entire book in one night and be done with it.

Well, it turns out that I was completely wrong. The book is really valuable for survivors of all kinds of abuse...or at least, the first couple pages are, which is all I got through before I burst into tears and had to stop. So much for finishing the whole thing in one night. Ah, reality checks. Aren't they fun? I'm going to try again.

This book is really good at making you look at your feelings, so I recommend it to anyone who is at the stage that they think they can handle something like this (and it's important that you are ready, because it is hard. I'll update this page with my progress as I go through the book.

Friday, July 9th, 1999

Well, here's an interesting turn of events...

Remember the doctor that I went to see a couple weeks ago for my mother's crazy thyroid-disorder allegation? I went to see her again yesterday (because my mother made me) and told her that I was having panic attacks (although I have not told my mother that), so she prescribed Paxil. I thought that this was probably a good idea (although my first reaction was "NO MIND ALTERING DRUGS! AAAAAAH!"), since it is supposed to help deal with panic attacks.

I'm a little nervous because there are about five billion side effects, but I have decided to brave the world of antidepressants and try it.

I haven't made much progress in the Courage to Heal Workbook in the last couple days. I found that I was really really angry after doing the first chapter or two (unresolved anger sucks) and I ended up throwing the book and then collapsing on my bed in tears. So, needless to say, I've decided to take a few days off. And hey - maybe the Paxil will keep me from going into more book-slaying fits. Ah, antidepressant humor.

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