Oct. 1983 - May 1985

It was an uneventful pregnancy. We talked about getting married. I wanted to, he didn't. I guess I should have left it at that! But no, I continued to argue for it, and eventually, in March 1984, we did get married in the Judge's chambers; no family, no flowers, and only his friends in attendance. My "maid of honor" was his best friend's brother. I was seven months pregnant by then.

At one point, right before that, I found out from his boss's wife that a woman named Pat kept calling him at work. When I asked him who Pat was, he gave me some vague answer about she was a girl he went to school with. He said he ran into her in the course of his job, and that I shouldn't worry about it. No matter what I asked, he always said the same thing. To this day, I know he was lying, but can't prove it.

We didn't know if the baby was a boy or a girl, and didn't want to know. I picked a name for a girl, but never did settle on a boy's name, which was odd, because we did end up with a girl. She was beautiful. The joy of my life. She kept me very busy, as babies do, and for awhile, life seemed almost perfect. Well, as perfect as having no money could be! But many couples have the same problem, so I didn't think much about it.

A major incident happened during this time. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, but at the time I didn't see it for what it was.

My parents had been on vacation, and stopped into our town to see the baby, who was by then 8 months old and starting to walk. Since I was not working, and we had not yet been "back home" to show off the new baby, they invited me to drive back with them, and they'd send us back on a bus in a couple of days. (You need to know here, we had not been back home because every time I suggested it, he made some excuse not to go. Either he had to work, or the car wouldn't make it, or he didn't feel like driving the long drive, whatever.) He was at work, so I called him and asked if he would mind if I went. I felt like I was doing the right thing, to let him know I wanted to go, since it wouldn't cost us anything. His only response was to become very sullen and say, "Do whatever you want to do." So I did. I went with them. Who wouldn't have? Silly me...

I had a wonderful time, seeing all of my family, showing off our little angel. I saw a few old friends, again very proud of the baby. We discovered that if I stayed two extra days, instead of the original four, I could fly back instead of taking the bus for the same price. So we set up the flight and I called him to tell him. I was glad that I would be able to stay two more days, and also that I wouldn't have to sit on the bus for hours. The flight would only take one-hour.

When I called him, he simply said, "Fine," and hung up. Since I was enjoying being with my family, I thought nothing of it. I just assumed he was having a bad day and was tired. Boy, was I ever in for a surprise!

When he picked me up at the airport, I was expecting a warm welcome: "Hi honey, I missed you and how's my angel?" etc. Not so. He never said a word to me or the baby. I was carrying her, her car seat, her diaper bag, my purse and my carry-on bag.

He just made sure I saw him, then turned and walked off, presumably towards the car. I called after him, but he ignored me. So I put the car seat in the floor, put her diaper bag and my carry-on in it, and started pushing it step-by-step with my foot. Some lady, bless her heart, saw what was going on and helped me carry the stuff to the car, where he was waiting. We got home, and he never said anything. For the next three days, I got the "silent treatment" in response to anything I said. He made his own meals, did his own laundry; but even worse, he ignored the baby. It was as if we didn't exist.

As it turns out, he had "found out" about some shuffling I had done with the money. Nothing more than anyone else would have done in our sad financial position, but he didn't see it that way. You know, "rob Peter to pay Paul." I would let the electric bill go late to pay the already late water bill, then pay half of the rent to pay the electric bill, etc. I'd tell him I needed more of his check than he was giving me to pay those bills, but he'd say "this is all there is," not realizing that I had become friends with the bookkeeper where he worked, and I knew that he was not telling me how much he REALLY made each week.

Bottom line is this: he was convinced I was stashing money in a savings account! No amount of pleading on my part would convince him otherwise. He just "knew" that I was planning something behind his back.

Looking back, that could have been one of the things that should have made me leave. But one of the characteristics of "co-dependence" is wanting to make things better AT ALL COSTS. That's what I wanted to do. I was determined to make him see the truth about any situation, not realizing that his truth was the only one he would ever see. Now I know that, but not then.

Well, after a few more months of living check-to-check, I knew I had to find a job in order to make ends meet. So I found a good sitter for the baby, who was 11-months by then, and got a really great job at a small loan company.

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