Are You Satisfied? The New Groundbreaking Ebony Sex Survey

Continued

Question: Why do some Black women feel bad or "dirty" about initiating sex with their mate?

Dr. Ashby: It is an issue of feeling they are not entitled to pleasure and not recognizing themselves as sexual beings with needs of their own. This also goes back to how gifts are socialized in American society. Some girls are socialized to think that sex is dirty and that only bad things can come of it if you engage in sex. Boys, on the other hand, are socialized to think that they can have sex with anyone at any time and that it is their right to do so.

Question: Based on your research, how do Black women feel about oral sex and anal sex?

Dr. Ashby: Black women are more comfortable today than they were a few years ago in giving and receiving oral sex. I usually hear about male partners having problems giving oral sex. Anal sex is still relatively taboo for Black women.

Question: What can mothers do to make sure their daughters are informed about sex?

Dr. Ashby: It is imperative that mothers sit down with their daughters and talk about sex and sexuality. Adolescence is a time for experimentation; adolescents question their sex appeal, whether they are gay, straight, or bisexual, whether oral sex is "sex," and how to go about it. Being open and honest with your teen is key to impacting their behavior. Even though information is available, children still need and seek guidance from the ones they trust most--their parents.

Question: Are Black women today more comfortable in accepting their lesbianism?

Dr. Ashby: From many conversations with my patients, it seems that Black women are much more comfortable than they were a few years ago about accepting their lesbianism, but it is still a struggle. My patients state that the African-American community still has difficulty accepting and dealing with the gay and lesbian subpopulation. Black lesbians are confronted with a triple handicap--being Black, female and a lesbian. This comes with a host of challenges that White lesbians don't have to face.

Question: Many women are concerned about whether sexual desire decreases during menopause. Does it?

Dr. Ashby: The wonderful thing about being human is that we are all different and some are lucky not to have a decrease in sexual activities. I have seen some women who are barely affected by the changes brought on by menopause and others whose lives are completely devastated by the hormonal imbalance.

Question: Why is HIV affecting Black women disproportionately?

Dr. Ashby: Because many are engaging in sexual activity without condoms. Many women I see as patients say that their man won't wear a condom because it "feels" better; or if she insists that he wears one, he accuses her of cheating. If your man won't wear a condom, there are ways you can protect yourself. First, there is a female condom available; secondly, there are nonoxynol-9 spermicides that can be inserted into the vagina prior to intercourse. Thirdly, abstinence is always an option until you find that someone who will respect you and your body. The ultimate form of caring and respect is when someone places your feelings and needs above their own.

Question: How do Black women approach masturbation and sex toys? Are there feelings of guilt?

Dr. Ashby: Masturbation is still somewhat taboo for Black women as it is seen as "dirty." My patients have said they are embarrassed to seek out sex toys and feel that buying them would make them appear "loose." Sex therapists have had their patients use sex toys either with a partner or alone as a way to figure out what turns them on and what turns them off.

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Question: If there is one message about sexuality that you would like to deliver to African-American women around the country, what would that be?

Dr. Ashby: I think the message I would like to deliver to both African-American and African Sisters is that you are much more than disease carriers and baby-makers. You are sexual beings with needs and desires, and you are entitled to healthy, fulfilling sexual lives, and that there is help for your sexual problems. Everyone is entitled to a fulfilling sex life.

Next: The Results of the Ebony magazine Sex Survey of Black Women

Last updated 4/04. Last reviewed: 11/05

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