The Sexual Surrogate

by Barbara Roberts

In modern Western societies, the messages about sex are extremely contradictory and confusing. We have no traditional rites of passage nor meaningful ceremonies to initiate young people into informed adult sexuality. I hoped that my work might establish standards that could help people of all ages have less confusion about sex and intimate relationships. Much to my professional satisfaction, there were several enlightened parents who paid for a full course of sexual surrogate assisted therapy so that their sons could be initiated into the wonders of their own sexuality. How lucky to have subsequently been those young men's girlfriends or wives! I often wished that parents would take that same enlightened view toward sexual initiation for their daughters, but it was not yet the time for that. I predict, however, that this day will eventually come.

Until recently, the message was very strong that sex should be limited to marriage and monogamy. Yet everyone knows this standard is continuously being broken. But more often than not, it is broken in secrecy and with guilt. Our standards are very hypocritical. What we say and what we do just don't jibe.

Mixed Messages

We are led to believe through the incessant references to sex in the media that we live in a society that condones open sexuality, but when examined more closely, most of what is shown on TV, in the movies, or in print is labeled "X-rated" or "for adults only," which implies that the sexual activities depicted are really not OK. And, although sexual innuendo sells everything from baby lotion to trucks, the link between sex and violence is more prevalent than the seductive soft sell.

The number of children sexually abused, the number of teenage pregnancies, the spread of Aids, the high incidence of rape, and the millions of people who are unhappy in their sex lives shows that in our supposedly open and free culture things have really gotten out of hand. The authorities who shape our attitudes toward Sex attempt to make us believe that these problems are caused by too much openness toward sexuality. Just the opposite is true. It is the unwarranted sexual repression that causes sexual exploitation and aberrant behavior. Both the stifling of sexuality and the inevitable rebellion against prudery and ignorance is what puts us at the mercy of our sexual urges rather than being personally in charge of our sexuality.

Using the argument that sex is natural and therefore need not be discussed and taught in the schools, on TV, or in sexual surrogate assisted therapy is most often just a cover for the attitude that any reference to sex is sinful. What in reality is sinful is not talking about sex, not respecting and honoring our natural sexual feelings. Condemning and preventing all attempts to learn what sex is really about is actually the root of the evil.

Sexual Surrogate Or Prostitute?

There are several major differences between what a sexual surrogate does and what we typically think of a prostitute doing. Frequently a prostitute provides only the sexual experiences that are asked of her. In many cases her job is simply to provide instant gratification. She may never see the client again.

A sex surrogate's main purpose, rather than just to provide sexual pleasure, is to educate the client in how to reverse specific sexual problems. And it is the therapist, not the sex surrogate or the client, who decides what activities are appropriate in view of the overall therapy. A course of therapy is likely to take several months or more. And, in most cases, sex (defined as genital stimulation and orgasm) is the least of it.

Last updated: 8/05

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