Sexual Unresponsiveness - What Can Be Done?

In just about every case, it is possible to overcome an occasional, more frequent or even long-term lack of desire for sex.

It is important to rule out any physical cause. If you suspect that an illness, disease, the physical after-affects of childbirth or a medication (including a contraceptive) may be repressing your desire for sex you should consult a medical practitioner. Alternatively, you may feel you have been suppressing sexual feelings for most of your life; perhaps because of a particular cultural, environmental or religious background or a traumatic incident in your childhood - if so, you should seek the assistance of a counselor.

Depression and similar disorders, and grief after the death of a relative or close friend, can temporarily suppress many feelings of desire - the desire to eat or control eating, the desire to work, the desire to be involved and the desire to have sex.

Some women find the idea of masturbation a turn-off, this is sometimes caused by influences from childhood where masturbation may have been regarded as 'dirty', or by the woman's lack of regard for and pleasure in her own body. Masturbation is a healthy and normal part of sexuality - it is important to learn to turn yourself on, develop erotic and sensual fantasies and feelings and prepare your body and mind for other desires, such as sex with a partner.

Talking with your partner is one of the most important things you can do to overcome your lack of sexual desire - don't suppress the problem, bring it out into the open. Your partner needs to be told what you expect from them - in the home, within the relationship and in bed. If there are things you desire your partner to do with you in bed, tell or show them - partners need to respond to each other in such a way that they both know what they both like and dislike during sex. Don't lie there, 'take it' and let your partner fumble in the dark.

There will be periods in your life, for example when you are very tired, over stressed by work, family and other commitments or have been ill, when you may experience a lack of sexual desire - this is a normal response. It is important to put these feelings into perspective, to understand the reasons behind them, and understand they need only be temporary - worrying about why you don't feel like sex can turn temporary feelings into a pattern of sexual anxiety.

Be positive about your sexual 'self'. Don't put off sex because you think you're going to 'flunk' or not come up to your partner's expectations or your perceptions of those expectations - tell yourself you can, and will, have terrific sex with your partner. If you don't feel like 'full-on' sex, tell your partner. Don't leave them guessing. And don't let your relationship become penetration-centered, explore other aspects of your relationship - physical affection like cuddling, necking, massage, sensual touch. Feel good about discovering other kinds of sex - tickling and caressing, oral sex, mutual masturbation.

'Variety is the spice of life' - to make it fresh and more exciting, it's important not to get too routine about it - the same positions, limited foreplay, no seduction, penetration only, no 'adventure'. Try to recover some sexual spontaneity- take time to have a 'quickie' occasionally, if you both feel like it, don't lock in to the same time every other night, especially when you're tired or stressed. Be true to yourself and your partner - if you are unwilling to have children, but your partner is and you are worried about getting pregnant, be honest and discuss your differing expectations.

Think about how often you would like to have sex - with your partner, or with someone else. If you would like to have and enjoy sex more often with your current partner, think about the reasons why you don't - are you put off by your partner's criticism (verbal or otherwise) of your performance.

Are you turned-off by what your partner does during sex? Are there positions and techniques you would like to try with your partner? Is there something about yourself that you believe turns your partner off? Is your partner more sexually 'driven' than you? If you would like to have less sex with your partner or more sex, but with someone else, think about the reasons why - are you no longer aroused or turned-on by your partner, are you with the 'right' partner, do you believe your partner has certain expectations of you that you feel you cannot fulfill?

If you are troubled by work hassles, by finances or by family, try to resolve these problems or discuss them with your partner or at least put them at the back of your mind before taking them to bed with you. If you believe you are lesbian, unhappy with your present relationship and would prefer a lesbian lifestyle, don't suppress it, seek counseling from lesbian support agencies.

Last updated: 8/05

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