10 Reasons Gays Chase Straights

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So if you're a self-respecting 'mo looking to hook up, it shouldn't surprise anyone that your sexual ideal is colored by the endless Kulturkampf over gender roles. If you want a real man or a real woman--and what gay person wouldn't?--they have to be straight, by definition.

It may take some effort for gays and lesbians to embrace our inner sissy boy and bull dagger, but that's the best first step in shedding our fantasy life of culturally imposed restrictions. After all, much of the time "straight-acting" is also just plain straight. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

6 IT'S SAFE That assertion seems counterintuitive, but it's often true: Chasing after the straight ones gives us all the pleasures of fixation without the danger of consummation, the risks of a relationship. As long as we can avoid getting creamed for making unwanted passes, idolizing the unavailable is the gay and lesbian equivalent of Lisa Simpson's Non-Threatening Boys magazine. It's lasciviousness without follow-through. It's the safest sex possible: impossible sex. And for anyone in the fear-of-commitment camp, what better dodge from "I do" is there than "I'm attracted only to straights"?

7 ATTRACTION KNOWS NO BOUNDS If you see a hot number across the room or down the street, it's probably not the person's sexual orientation that first got your attention. Given enough time and psychic bruises, we may train ourselves to follow the Wow! of sex appeal with the sobering But wait: Straight or gay? If straight, never mind. But even then, our eyes linger and the longing remains.

Sexual allure knows no logic. If a person sets off your particular, inexplicable sexual radar, you're likely to lean over to your pal with little hesitation and say, "Check out that one: Yum!"--or your own more moderated equivalent ("Babe at 3 o'clock ..."). Only after our engines are revved up do we take the time to consider the other person's sexual orientation.

Thankfully, this works both ways. Certainly, there are countless straight men and women out there ogling the bodies of gay men and lesbians without giving any thought to their sexual orientation--and straights are just beginning to know the instant letdown of the appearance of a significant other of the wrong sex. (Think of that karaoke scene in Chasing Amy when Ben Affleck thinks that Joey Lauren Adams is singing to him, only to have sexy Carmen Lee join her onstage for a hot kiss.) The upside is that even if we can't all hit the sack together, we can still enjoy all the sights.

8 WE'RE LOOKING FOR NORMAL In a world where there's Halle Berry, your dad might say, it just doesn't seem normal for a guy to be hung up on Adrien Brody. And why would a girl want to trade blood vials with Angelina Jolie when she can exchange rings with her own personal Matt Damon? It's one of the most frustrating things about being queer--when folks like clergy or family try to make you explain it, you can't. Love is a mystery. So when some well-meaning person assures you, "You just haven't met the right guy/girl yet," part of you feels like they might actually be telling the truth. That's how the trouble starts. The land of everyone else's normal may not be the home at the end of your world, but they do such a sales job for it from the moment we're born that we may start to buy in.

You meet somebody of the opposite sex; they're charming and funny and attractive; you hit it off. There's even a bit of sexual sizzle in the air. Now you start to wonder, Could this be the one? The man or woman they kept telling me would came along? Before you know it, you're deep in a daydream in which you get married, have children, move to a small town, and join the Kiwanis Club. Everybody likes you. You fit in. You're normal.

Hey. Snap out of it. This daydream might be normal--if you're straight. Otherwise, Far From Heaven, here we come. Stop wondering whether you want to join a club that would have somebody like you as a member. You've paid your dues already.

9 IT'S THE LURE OF THE FORBIDDEN There's a reason that you're more likely to find adult videos with the phrases frat house and cop than drama club and hairdresser, or that Gina Gershon chases after the femmiest of the femme in her dyke screen roles. The idea that we have enough sex appeal to "turn" a straight person for some same-sex nasty may be one of life's greatest ego boosts.

We're not talking closet cases and "everyone's bisexual" here--we're talking hard-core heteros, Kinsey zeroes whose last gay thought was sandwiched between Marcia and Harden. Because true conquest is not about tapping the inner queer, it's about knocking 'em dead with your wizard-level sexual magic. After all, gay sex remains one of straight people's biggest taboos, so you must be All That if you snag a breeder.

Anyway, cruising other gays and lesbians is just too easy, right? Landing that elusive heterosexual remains our Everest, our great white whale, our forbidden nonfruit. It's that double whammy of pursuing something we're told is out of our reach and the sweet gratification of closing the deal.

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10 THERE'S MORE OF THEM THAN OF US Statistically speaking, there's no way around it: Gay romance is a long shot. Even the best odds have straight people outnumbering us by 10 to 1. Subtract the millions of us who are out of circulation thanks to the closet or to long-term relationships, and the odds get even worse. So what are we supposed to do when those hormones hit? Save ourselves for gay marriage?

Don't sweat it. Consider yourself lucky if even three or four of your last 10 crushes have been fellow travelers--and don't fret too much about your eyes' occasional detour into the straight and narrow. It's a big world, people, and it's full of scenery. Even if a gay Prince Charming is headed your way, how will you find him if you're wearing blinders?

Written in 2003. Last reviewed: 10/05

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