Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

BEING SPECIAL

Chapter 1

page 1

We all fear to lose our identity and our uniqueness. We seem to be acutely aware of this fear in a crowd of people. "Far from the madding crowd" is not only the title of a book – it is also an apt description of one of the most ancient recoil mechanisms.

This wish to be distinct, "special" in the most primitive sense, is universal. It crosses cultural barriers and spans different periods in human history. We use hairdressing, clothing, behaviour, lifestyles and products of our creative mind – to differentiate ourselves.

The sensation of "being unique or special" is of paramount importance. It motivates many a social behaviour. A person feels indispensable, one of a kind, in a loving relationship. His uniqueness is reflected by his spouse and this provides him with an "independent, external and objective" affirmation of his special-ness.

This sounds very close to pathological narcissism, as it was defined in our Introduction. Indeed, the difference is of measure – not of substance.

A healthy person "uses" people around him to confirm his sense of distinctiveness – but he does not over-dose or over-do it. Feeling unique is to him of secondary importance. He derives the bulk of it from his well-developed, differentiated Ego. The clear-cut boundaries of his Ego and his thorough acquaintance with a beloved figure – his self – are enough.

Only people whose Ego is underdeveloped and relatively undifferentiated need ever larger quantities of external Ego boundary setting, of affirmation through reflection. To them, there is no distinction between meaningful and less meaningful others. Everyone carries the same weight and fulfils the same functions: reflection, affirmation, recognition, adulation, or attention. This is why everyone is interchangeable and dispensable.

The narcissist employs one or more of the following mechanisms in a loving relationship (say, in a marriage) ["he"-read: "he or she"]:

• He "merges" with his spouse/mate and contains him/her as a symbol of the outside world.

• He exerts absolute dominion over the spouse (again in her symbolic capacity as The World).
  These two mechanisms come in lieu of the healthier form of relationship wherein the two members of the couple are a unity of two distinct entities. They maintain their distinctiveness while, at the same time, creating a new "being of togetherness".

• He replicates his Ego in every possible manner and, at times, without "justification". He becomes addicted to publicity, displays graphomaniacal tendencies and ignores information, advice and criticism to the contrary.
  Merely observing his "replicated Ego" provides the narcissist with sensations of power, omnipotence and omnipresence, akin to the ones that the he experienced in his early childhood.
  The function of this never-ending replication process is to provide the individual with an "existential substitute", proof of the occupation of space and time – functions normally carried out by a healthy, well-developed Ego through its interactions with the outside world ("reality principle").

• In extreme cases, the narcissist resorts to hallucinations, even to psychotic micro-episodes. The latter sometimes occur during treatment. The narcissist can also form hermetic social circles, which share his delusions (Pathologic Narcissistic Space). The function of these social cohorts is to serve as a psychological entourage, "objectifying" the feeling of self-importance and the illusions of grandeur harboured by the sick individual.

It is the failure of these mechanisms, which leads to an all-pervasive feeling of annulment and detachment.

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Introduction | Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

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