Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

THE NARCISSIST AND THE OPPOSITE SEX

Chapter 5

page 2

The narcissist likes to believe that he is the maker of the decision which type of relationship he will establish with whom. He doesn't even bother to be explicit about it. Sometimes people believe that they have a "contractual" (binding and long-term) relationship with the narcissist - while the latter entertains an entirely different notion without informing them. These, naturally, are grounds for innumerable disappointments and misunderstandings.

The narcissist uses this language to describe his relationship with his partner. He says that he has a contract with his girlfriend/spouse. This contract has emotional articles and administrative-economic articles.

One of the substantive clauses is emotional and sexual exclusivity.

But the narcissist feels that there is an asymmetry in the fulfilment of contracts that he has with other humans in general - and with his female partner in particular. The narcissist always feels that he gives and contributes to a relationship more than he receives from it. This is true in all the types of relationships that he has, be it business relationships or emotional ones. He needs to feel deprived (read punished). This is the only way he can safely execute the guilty verdict rendered in his case by the primary and all important object in his life (usually, his mother).

The narcissist, though highly amoral (and at times, immoral), holds himself, morally, in high regard. He describes contracts as "sacred" and feels averse to cancelling or violating them even if they expired or were invalidated by the behaviour of the other parties. The narcissist engages in asymmetric moral judgements. When violated by the partner the violation of a contract is deemed either trivial or nothing less than earth-shattering. If a contract is violated by the narcissist he is invariably tormented by his conscience to the extent of calling the contract (the relationship) off even if the partner judges the violation to be trivial or explicitly forgives the narcissist.

In other words, sometimes the narcissist feels compelled to cancel a contract just because he violated it and in order not to be tormented by his conscience (=by his superego, the internalized voices of his parents and other meaningful adults in his childhood).

But things are even more complex. It is true that the narcissist acts asymmetrically as long as he feels bound by the contract. He tends to judge himself more severely than he judges the other parties to the contract. He forces himself to comply more strenuously than his partners do with the terms of the contract.

But this is because he needs the contract more than the others do. The contract represents a relationship.

The annulment or the termination of a contract represent rejection and abandonment, which the narcissist fears most. The narcissist would rather pretend that a contract is still valid than admit to the demise of a relationship. He never violates contracts because he is afraid of the reprisals and of the emotional consequences. But this is not to be confused with developed morals. If confronted with a better alternative - one which more efficiently caters to his needs (see the next chapters) - the narcissist will annul or violate a contract without thinking twice.

Moreover, not all contracts were created equal in the narcissistic twilight zone. It is the narcissist who retains the power to decide which contracts are to be scrupulously fulfilled and which offhandedly ignored. The narcissist determines which laws (=social contracts) to obey and which to break. And he expects society, his partners, his colleagues, his spouse, his children, his parents, his students, his teachers – in short: absolutely everyone – to abide by his rulebook. White collar narcissist criminals, for instance, see nothing wrong with their behaviour. They regard themselves as law-abiding, god-fearing, community-members. Their acts are committed in a mental reserve, an enclave, a psychological no man's land, where no laws or contracts are binding upon them.

The narcissist is sometimes perceived as whimsical, traitorous, posing and double crossing. The truth is that he is the most predictable, consistent of all people. He follows one over-riding principle: the principle of Narcissistic Supply (upon which we will expand in the next few chapters).

The narcissist has internalized a bad object. He feels bad, corrupt, deserving to fail, to be disgraced and punished. He is forever surprised and thankful when good things happen to him. Out of touch with his emotions and with his capabilities, he either exaggerates them or underestimates them.

He is likely to be grateful to his partner for having selected him. He is also be likely to berate her for doing precisely this and to think that no other would have been (or will be) as foolish, blind, or ignorant as to commit the same mistake and choose him. The stupidity and blindness of his mate or spouse is substantiated by the very fact that she IS his mate or spouse. Only a stupid and blind person would have preferred the narcissist, with his myriad deficiencies, over others.

This feeling of perchance occurrence is the true source of the asymmetry in his relationships. The partner, having made this incredible choice, having elected to live with the narcissist (=to bear this cross) is worthy of special consideration. The partner represents an eventuality as rare as a supernova or the appearance of a comet. The partner warrants special treatment and the application of a special (double) standard. The partner can be infidel, not contribute in any way (emotionally, financially), be dependent, be abusively critical and display unforgivable behaviours - and, yet, be forgiven unconditionally.

This, no doubt, is the direct result of a very flawed sense of self worth and of a prevailing sense of inferiority.

This asymmetry is also an effective barrier against the expression of anger, even legitimate anger.

Instead, anger is accumulated every time that the partner takes advantage of the asymmetry (or is perceived by the narcissist to be doing so). The narcissist believes that this is an expected result of the daily friction between two cohabiting humans, especially partners with radically different personalities.

Some of the anger is passively-aggressively expressed. The frequency of sexual relations is adversely affected. Less sex, less talk, less touch. Sometimes the aggression erupts volcanically in the form of rage attacks. These are usually followed by panicky reactions intended to restore the balance and to reassure the narcissist that he is not about to be deserted or rejected. Following such rage attacks, the narcissist resorts to passiveness, tenderness, appeasing gestures, or to wimpish and infantile behaviour. The same behaviour is not expected (and in certain cases, not accepted) from the partner. She is allowed to explode without as much as apologizing.

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